


Terrible Ideas

by CloudDreamer



Category: Hiveswap, Homestuck
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Caliborn (Homestuck), Abusive Dave's Bro | Beta Dirk Strider, Abusive Parents, Abusive Relationships, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst and Feels, Angst and Humor, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst too, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Aromantic Asexual John Egbert, Asshole Caliborn, Asshole Doc Scratch, Author loves to chat in the Comments, Author regrets nothing, BAMF Kanaya, BAMF Rose, BAMF Rose Lalonde, BAMF Roxy, Blind Terezi, Blood and Gore, Canon Disabled Character, Canon Lesbian Relationship, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Child Abuse, Cherubim, Child Abuse, College, Depression, Dialogue-Only, Drugs, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, F/M, Face Punching, Femslash, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Gang, Gang Violence, Gay Dave Strider, Gay Rose Lalonde, Getting to Know Each Other, Graphic Violence, Horny Teenagers, Human AU, Human Gamzee, Human Karkat Vantas, Human Terezi, Human Vriska, Humanstuck, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Incest, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Sex, Innuendo, Internet Friends, Internet Relationships, Intersex, Karkat Needs a Hug, Karkat Swearing, Lesbian, Lesbian Rose, Lesbian Roxy, Lesbian Sex, Love Confessions, M/M, MY POOR HEART IM SORRY, On the Run, Organized Crime, POV Third Person, POV Third Person Limited, Pain, Past Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Relationship(s), Past Sexual Abuse, Past Sexual Assault, Pedophilia, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Punching, Rape, Referenced Sex, References to Depression, Romantic Poetry, Roxy Is a Good Bro, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Assault, Slow Burn, Sober Gamzee Makara, Sober Roxy Lalonde, Stalking, Suicide, THERE ARE A LOT OF BAMFS, The Author Regrets Everything, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Top Rose, Trans Roxy Lalonde, Unexpected Plot Twists, Vriska Serket's Metal Arm, abusive brother, all of these girls need hugs, also scatch, any more specific triggers will be in the note for every episode, aradia bamf, aranea is a bad mom and a bad person, aro ace john, as in the writer was inspired to change from slice of life to way darker, author is not a survivor of abuse so if they mess up please tell them in the comments, author regrets everything, bi karkat, bottom kanaya, calliope needs help, calroxy, current trauma stress, damara megido is an interesting character, davekat - Freeform, davekat slowburn, decking people who deserve it in the face, disabled tavros, doc scratch is a dick, does karkat like anything, eventually, everyone needs a hug really, fuck that guy, gamzee is bad, gamzee is the only of the trolls thats an adult, human caliborn - Freeform, human calliope - Freeform, i dunno i spent a lot of time on this, im going to deck gamzee in the face, in which caliborn is an ass, internet friend meet up, its going to be okay, its just going to take a long time to get there, jk, jude and joey are sixteen, just basically fuck that guy okay, just so you know vriskrezi might actually go from sane amounts of innuedo to flat out sexting, justified punching, karkat doesn't like it, large amounts of hitting on each other, loss of toes, lots of fluff, lots of swearing, love poetry, meet up, only as background characters tho, pervert gamzee, pesterchum, pesterlogs, please comment, please don't start any vriscourse, polyamorous, porrim Maryam/latula pyrope (minor), porrim isnt really going to be featured but she needs a hug too, probably, probably going to be more explicit in the femslash, pure fluff in calroxy, rosemary, roxy is going to kick their asses don't worry, scratch is a condescending dick, snark off, suicide baiting, tag hell, terezi kicks ass, terezi pyrope has a body count, text logs, the mafia, the main ships will probably be the femslash ones, there will be no gamzee redemption, theres caliborn and bro so yeah, they're all eighteen or so give or take a few, this is a pro vriska au, this is going to hurt, this is only hiveswap because joey and jude will probably be mentioned, top terezi, trans girl main character, vriska is a bottom, vriska serket kicks ass, vriskrezi - Freeform, vriskrezi is love and life, well now the mob's here and i dunno how i feel about it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-30
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-03-09 08:30:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 36,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13477626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CloudDreamer/pseuds/CloudDreamer
Summary: A large group of internet friends from across the group. Some of them might have a criminal record. Several of them have relationships that, if fully realized, could lead to an explosive reaction as destructive as several bombs going off. None of them have very long fuses.They're all going to meet up over winter break.Vriska and Terezi have a past, with an uncomfortably high body count.Dave and Karkat seem to have made it a life's mission to get on each other's nerves.Rose and Kanaya get along great online, but will they be able to translate their chemistry from words into actions?Roxy and Jane want to save Calliope from her abusive brother, but they don't know just how dangerous her family is.Dirk and Jake, aka two teenaged boys who probably couldn't communicate their true feelings to save their lives.But don't worry. They've totally got this situation under control.





	1. awkward lesbians and shout filled memos volume 1

**Author's Note:**

> I hope ya'll like this fic! I've been working on this chapter for a while. :)  
> TW for vague descriptions of abuse.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> two weeks before break

carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened a memo on board ADORABLOODTHIRSTY SQUAD: ROAD TRIP TO HELL 

CG: FOR THE RECORD   
CG: WHICH IS GOING TO BE LONG, TEDIOUS, AND FULL OF SHUT THE FUCK UPS  
CG: THIS IS A FUCKING HORRIBLE IDEA AND EVERYONE OF YOU ARE INSUFFERABLE MORONS WITH ENOUGH SELF DESTRUCTIVE TENDENCIES TO CAUSE THE END OF THE HUMAN RACE.  
CG: PUTTING ALL OF YOU TOGETHER IN ONE CITY, LET ALONE A DORM ROOM, WILL ALMOST CERTAINLY RESULT IN AT THE VERY LEAST FIVE SEPARATE LOST LIMBS AND HALF OF YOU IN JAIL FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER.  CG: AND THE OTHER HALF FRAMED THEM FOR THE MURDER THEY COMMITTED.  
CG: OH, AND WHAT ABOUT ME, IN THIS LENGTHY AND PROBABLY COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY PREDICTION?   
CG: THE OH VERY SLIGHTLY LESS STUPID OF YOU CAN LIKELY DEDUCE MY ROLE.   
CG: .   
CG: .   
CG: .   
CG: I'M WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO INTERJECT AND RUIN MY LENGTHY MONOLOGUE LIKE YOU FUCKING SHITHEADS ALWAYS DO.   
CG: SERIOUSLY I'M GIVING YOU A WIDE OPEN SHOT HERE.  
CG: I KNOW YOU FUCKERS ARE READING THIS, YOU'RE ALWAYS UP AT BIZARRE HOURS OF THE NIGHT .  
CG: REALLY?  CG: NOBODY?   
CG: WELL THEN, IF ALL OF YOU ASSHOLES WILL ALLOW ME TO CONTINUE UNMOLESTED BY COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY COMMENTS THEN I'LL JUST CONTINUE ON MY LENGTHY RANT AGAINST THE ENTIRE CONCEPT OF A REAL LIFE MEETUP.   
CG: WOW IS THIS FUCKING ANTICLIMATIC.   
CG: ANYWAY, I'M THE POOR SUCKER THAT GOT STABBED. 

gallowsCalibrator [GC]  responded to memo.  


GC: Y3S W3 4R3 4LL W3LL 4W4R3 OF YOUR V1CT1M COMPL3X 4ND YOUR 1NS1ST4NC3 TH4T YOU 4R3 4BOV3 TH1S HUM4N 3MOT1ON C4LL3D FR13NDSH1P.  
CG: OKAY, FIRST OFF  
CG: FRIENDSHIP ISN’T AN EMOTION, NUMBNUTS.  
GC: SUR3 1T 1S!   
CG: SHUT UP AND I WON’T BAN YOU.  
GC: OH NO! NOT TH3 B4N BUTTON!!!   
GC: 1M GO1NG 4NYW4Y  
GC: 1TS PR3TTY L4T3 1N MY T1M3ZON3.  
CG: DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A FUCK?  
GC: Y3S  


CG  banned GC from responding to memo

CG: I DON'T HAVE A VICTIM COMPLEX.  
CG: I AM REASONABLY CONCERNED FOR MY SAFETY BECAUSE ALL OF MY QUOTE END QUOTE FUCKING FRIENDS ARE SOCIOPATHIC ASSHOLES WITH DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR.  
CG: ANYWAY AS I WAS SAYING BEFORE I WAS SO RUDELY INTERRUPTED BY OUR FELLOW “FRIEND” AND HER UNNECESSARILY SARCASTIC COMMENTS.  
CG: THIS IS A BAD IDEA.  
CG: SCRATCH THAT.  
CG: THIS IS A FUCKING HORRIBLE IDEA  
CG: IT IS THE WORST IDEA THIS GROUP OF MORONS COULD EVER COME UP WITH.  
CG: AND UNTIL YOU ALL ACKNOWLEDGE HOW FUCKING STUPID YOU’RE BEING, I WIIL SHOUT MY UNDYING RAGE TOWARDS YOU FROM THE ROOF TOPS.  
CG: SERIOUSLY THE ONLY REASON WHY I’M EVEN GOING AT ALL IS BECAUSE YOU INSISTED AT HOSTING IT AT MY PLACE.  
CG: WITHOUT MY PERMISSION!!  


tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo.  


TT: I’m looking forward to our meet up, actually.  
CG: OF COURSE YOU ARE.  
CG: ROSE LA“LET’S SIGN UP FOR LITERALLY THE MAXIMUM AMOUNT OF COURSES POSSIBLE AND ALMOST BURN THE SCHOOL DOWN WHILE TRYING TO WITCH YOUR PROFESSORS FOR GIVING YOU A REASONABLE AMOUNT OF WORK”LONDE, DID I ASK FOR YOU OPINION??  


turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo.

TG: hey rose are you ever gonna tell me the story behind that or what  
TT: It’s not much of a story, beyond what Karkat has already overshared.  
CG: EARTH TO LALONDE AND STRIDER  
CG: I’M NOT DONE TALKING YET.  
TG: oh wow look at this shocking turn of events  
TG: karkat isnt done talking yet  
CG: FUCK YOU AND THE SUNGLASSES YOU’RE PROBABLY WEARING EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE INSIDE STARING AT A COMPUTER.  
TG: hey dont knock the shades.  
TG: the shades are cool  
CG: IF YOU’RE COOL THEN I’M A FUCKING HOUSE CAT.  
CG: MEOW MEOW, MOTHERFUCKERS.  
CG: LOOK AT ME GO.  
CG: I’M LAPPING UP THE MILK AT YOUR FEET.   
TT: ...  
CG: DON’T YOU FUCKING START LALONDE I CAN SEE THOSE EYRBROWS RAISING ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE CONTINENT.  
CG: PUT THEM DOWN.  
TT: One moment. TT: I am searching desperately for a new note taking pen.  
TT: All of my good pens have already been worn out and I require one to record the obscene amount of Freudian slips and homoerotic symbolisms your conversations evoke.  
TT: Do you do it on purpose simply to provoke me?  
CG: MY LIFE DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND FUCKING WITH YOU.  
CG: OR DAVE OR TEREZI OR ANY OF YOU FUCKING IGNORANT DOUCHEMUFFINS.  
TT: How many of your insults revolve around smashing random words and profanity together with the hopes that they might, one day, actually mean something?   
TG: holy shit rose   
TT: There.   
TT: I found a fresh pen in order to record your brilliant merging of profanity, random words, and Freudian "slips."   
CG: FUCK YOU FOR ME HAVING TO PUT UP WITH THIS.   
CG: FUCK OUR FRIENDS, FUCK YOUR PYSCHO ANALYTICAL BABLE, FUCK YOUR NOTETAKING PENS AND FUCK THE LOVECRAFTIAN MONSTROSITY YOU RODE IN ON.   


CG  banned TT from responding to memo

TG: wow you really are worried about this aren't you  
CG: FUCK YOU TOO   


CG  banned TG from responding to memo

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M DONE.   
CG: DONE WITH PUTTING UP WITH THIS BULLSHIT.   
CG: CONSIDER THIS MEMO CLOSED.   
CG: FOR NOW. 

CG  closed memo

tentacleTherpaist [TG]   began pestering   grimAuxiliatrix [TG]

   TT: Hey.   
TT: Are you up?   
TT: This probably isn’t the best time to message you but with all that’s happening, I don’t know if there is a best time.  
TT: And there are some things I want to say before I meet you in real life.   
GA: Yes  
TT: Yes?   
GA: Yes I Am Up   
GA: Actually I Am Having Trouble Sleeping   
GA: So Your Interruption Is A Welcome Distraction   
TT: Do you want to talk about the meet up?  
TT: Or should we continue to let this stressful dark cloud shadow our conversations, like a ghost only a few steps behind us that vanishes when we look over our shoulder?   
GA: Have We Been Doing That   
TT: Maybe.   
TT: What do you think?   
GA: I Think So   
GA: Is That A Bad Thing  
TT: It doesn't have to be.  
TT: It's nice to talk to you about less important problems.  
TT: Or about anything, really.  
GA: I Agree But Nonetheless The Looming Meetup Needs To Be Talked About At Some Point   
GA: Outside Of Planning Memos Where Anyone And Everyone Can Read What We Write   
TT: So there are feelings you don't want to talk about in front of everyone else.  
GA: Uh   
GA: I Dont Know   
GA: Does This Relate To The Meet Up   
TT: It could.  
GA: Rose   
GA: This Conversation Might Have Turned From A Discussion About The Meeting Into A Discussion Over Whether Or Not We Were Avoiding Doing That  
TT: Was this ever an actual conversation?  
GA: The Answer Appears To Be A Definite No   
GA: But Maybe The Conversation We Are Having Is Important Too   
TT: You make a valid point.  
GA: So   
GA: Should We Be Discussing It   
GA: Whether Or Not The Words It And That Have Any Meaning At This Point Is Another Lengthy Tangent Which We Could Be Going Down Instead Of The Big Conversation   
GA: Rose Are You Still There  
TT: Yeah.  
TT: I'm thinking  
TT: Do you want to talk about the BIG MEET UP LOOMING ON THE HORIZON?  
GA: I Should Say Yes Like A Responsible Person   
GA: Instead I Think I Will Say  
GA: Lets Talk Something Else And Ignore The Hypothetical Elephant In The Room  
TT: I second the motion to act in ignorance to the large gray mammal in this hypothetical room, which we are both presently inhabiting.   
TT: Wow.   
TT: Look at us, not talking about this large mammal occupying a large part of this room.   
GA: What Else Could We Talk About Instead Of This Large Mammal   
TT: Perhaps you could send me a picture of your latest sewing project?  
TT: Hold on.  
TT: Roxy is messaging me.  
TT: Talk later?  


tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrax

gutsyGumshoe [GG]   began pestering   tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

GG: Hey, Roxy!  
TG: yesss?  
GG: Do you mind messaging Calliope for me?  
TG: sure im always up 2 talk 2 the cutest of friends  
TG: any reason in particular or?  
TG: scheduling stuff?  
GG: I’ve been chatting with her and she seems upset about something.  
TG: oh nos, really?  
TG: is she ok?  
TG: whats wrong?  
GG: That’s the problem, I don’t know.  
GG: You know I’m not exactly the best at comforting people.  
GG: I’m worried that if I poke she’ll end up getting more upset!  
GG: Also, I need to go to class soon so I can't get into a long conversation.   
TG: i get where ur going  
TG: ok ill talk 2 her  
TG: but dont sell urself short ok?  
TG: uve helped me out of more than 1 crisis

gutsyGumshoe [GG]ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TT]

tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  began pestering  uraniumUmbra [UU]

TG: hey callie!  
 UU: oh hello.   
TG: whats up?  
UU: not mUch.  
UU: i gUess.  
TG: hows the shithead doing?  
TG: still in desperate need of a punch to the ugly face   
TG: i assume   
UU: heh.  
UU: yeah, he hasn't changed mUch.  
UU: mUch to my chagrin.   
UU: i don't know what to say.   
TG: ?  
UU: he might be getting worse.  
TG: oh nos!  
TG: he didnt beat u up again did he?  
TG: plz pretty please tell me he didnt  
UU: it's okay.  
UU: i got lUcky this time.  
UU: he only hit me a few times and it was with his fists, not with anything painful.  
TG: holy shit  
TG: callie dont say things like that  
TG: never ever say that being hit is 'lucky.'  
TG: plz.  
TG: it scares me.  
UU: bUt i was lUcky.  
UU: the thing is...  
UU: i'm so sorry.   
UU: he   
UU: Ugh i'm sUch an idiot!  
UU: i can't believe i was so careless.   
UU: it was my faUlt he foUnd them.   
TG: callie what ru talkinbg about?   
TG: bc u r not careless   
TG: and hes the 1 whos making the choice 2 hurt u   
TG: theres no way any of this is ur fault   
UU: bUt it is   
TG: ok explain it 2 me like im 2   
TG: how would him attacking u b UR fault?  
UU: the thing is he started when he  
UU: i'm so embarrassed telling yoU this  
UU: i feel like sUch an idiot!  
UU: i sUppose there's no point delaying it  
UU: better rip off the bandage  
UU: he foUnd those nice pencils yoU sent me for my birthday.  
UU: and the reason why i feel so bloody stUpid is becaUse i shoUld've been more carefUl with yoUr amazing present.  
UU: i loved them so mUch.  
UU: i was in the middle of making a present to give yoU as thanks  
UU: bUt now I can't  
UU: he crUshed them and tore up all of what i'd drawn before into a million tiny pieces  
TG: oh no!  
TG: callie its not ur fault  
TG: & if u say it is 1 more time  
TG: i will personally come over 2 ur place early  
TG: give u a giant hug  
TG: & beat the living shit out of your awful bro  
TG: u made a regular ol mistake that he took advantage of & there isnt anything u cldve done to prevent it  
TG: and theyre just pencils   
TG: ull get some more.  
UU: i appreciate the sentiment.  
UU: i really do.  
UU: bUt yoU aren't here and he is.  
UU: it's so hard to remember what it is that's worth caring aboUt when he gets into one of his moods.  
UU: i was looking forward to showing yoU what i'd drawn.  
TG: its not the art im friends with.  
TG: altho u r a GREAT artist & i love everything uve shown me  
TG: stay strong ok   
UU: i will.   
TG: im here 4 u.  
TG: jane is 2  
TG: every1 is.  
TG: ur probably 1 of the few people in the world karkat makes an effort to be patient with  
TG: i mean   
TG: i cant wait 2 see u IRL  
TG: ur still ok 2 come, right?  
UU: thank yoU.  
UU: yeah, i shoUld be alright.  
UU: and really, thank yoU so much.  
UU: yoU don't Understand how mUch that means to me.  
UU: withoUt yoU, i don't know what I'd do.  
UU: i don't want to know.  


tipsyGnostalgic [TG]ceased pestering uraniumUmbra [UU]

tipsyGnostalgic[TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: we need 2 go 2 the art store asap  
TT: Is there a reason behind this sudden request?  
TG: yes her name is calliope  
TT: Messaging mom now.  
tipsyGnostalgic [TG]ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

turntechGodhead [TG]began pestering uranianUmbra [UU]

TG: yo  
TG: just wanted to say   
TG: you aint alone  
UU: i wish i was.  
TG: i get that  
TG: been there a few times myself  
UU: did roxy ask yoU to talk to me?  
TG: nah  
TG: she didnt say any details either  
TG: that girl is loyal as hell  
TG: all I know is something happened between you and your Bro  
TG: maybe im really looking for help myself  
UU: ?  
TG: anyway scratch that because damn did that sound stupid as fuck  
TG: what im getting at is that you arent alone  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering uraniumUmbra [UU]

gallowsCalibator [CG]began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG]

TG: 1 C4N'T W41T TO S33 YOU 4G41N  
TG: W3'V3 GOT SOM3 TH1NGS TH4T N33D TO B3 S3TTL3D 1N P3RSON  
AG: I'm looking forward to it. :::;)  


gallowsCalibator [TG] ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG]

tipsyGnostalgic [TG]   began pestering   gutsyGumshoe [GG]

TG: her bro found the present we got 4 her  
TG: she said he didnt beat her up 2 much  
TG: still  
TG: damn it   
TG: damn him  
TG: we cant rescue her soon enough imo  


tipsyGnostalgic [TG]   ceased pestering   gutsyGumshoe [GG]

carcinoGeneticist [CG]   began pestering   arachnidsGrip [AG]

CG: CAN YOU PRETTY FUCKING PLEASE WITH A FUCKING CHERRY ON TOP OF THIS SHITTY METAPHOR TRY TO KEEP THE DRAMA TO A BARE MINIMUM.  
CG: TRY NOT TO GET ANYONE FUCKING MAIMED THIS TIME  
AG: What are you talking a8out?  
CG: TEREZI TOLD ME ABOUT YOU THREE AND ALL OF YOUR BULLSHIT.  
CG: EXCUSE ME.  
CG: SPIDER SHIT.  
AG: Really.  
AG: Wh8t did she say?  
AG: 8ecause I can guarantee that whatever you think you know about us isn't the full picture.   
AG: No offense, w8t, actually, full offense intended, you don't know half as much a8out us as you think you do.   
AG: :::;D   
CG: AND YOU'RE NOT HALF AS FUCKING COOL AS YOU THINK YOU ARE   
CG: WE'RE BOTH TEENAGERS, YOU DON'T HAVE TO ACT LIKE YOU'RE GODS GIFT TO HUMANKIND BECAUSE SURPRISE, SURPRISE, YOU'RE NOT.   
CG: SHIT, WHY AM I FRIENDS WITH SO MANY FUCKING STUCK UP ASSHOLES WITH GOD COMPLEXES THE SIZE OF PLANET FUCKING EARTH.  
CG: NO, WAIT, YOUR GOD COMPLEX IS THE SIZE OF THE MILKY WAY BECAUSE THAT'S HOW STUPID BIG IT IS.   
AG: The funny thing is, you pro8a8ly typed all that out without realizing how stupid that sounded.  
CG: NOT AS STUPID AS YOU SOUND ALL THE FUCKING TIME.  
AG: H8h8h8h8h8h8h8h8  
AG: Seriously????????  
CG: IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LISTEN TO THE ONE PERSON MAKING AN EFFORT TO KEEP THIS MEET UP FROM TURNING INTO AN UTTER TRAIN WRECK OF ASSHOLES ATTACKING EACH OTHER WITH SWORDS, BUILDINGS BEING EXPLODED, AND FIFTY OTHER RANDOM ASS BULLSHIT THAT'S DEFINITELY GOING TO HAPPEN THEN I'M GOING TO HOLD YOU RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERY SINGLE THING THAT GOES WRONG.  
AG: The sword fight thing only fucking happened once!!!!!!!!  
CG: WAIT WHAT THE FUCK  
AG: Oh, you weren't referencing that.  
AG: Pretend I didn't s8y anything.  
CG: I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO ASK.  
CG: I'LL SEE YOU SOON, I GUESS.  
CG: YAY.  
CG: (THAT WAS SARCASM)  
AG: I couldn't tell.   
AG: (That w8s also sarcasm)  


carcinoGeneticist [CG]   ceased pestering   arachnidsGrip [AG]

ectoBiologist [EB]   began pestering   gardenGnostic [GG]

EB: hey!   
GG: hello john!!   
EB: i can't wait to see you again, it feels like its been ages since the family got together  
GG: you tell me!   
GG: sometimes i wonder if i shouldve gone to a different school   
GG: the island is great but itd be nice to see the rest of the world   
EB: i wish i lived on a cool island in the middle of the ocean like a mysterious witch  
GG: im not a witch im a scientist in training :P   
EB: a witch i tell you   
EB: a wiiiiiiitch  
GG: hows school been going for u?   
EB: it's been going great  
EB: the teachers are all super nice  
EB: i'm glad i decided to study jokes  
EB: i miss jane though  
GG: same  
GG: i mean i obviously dont miss jane  
GG: she's great and all but i mean i miss jake  
GG: you know what i mean hehe!  
EB: yeah i get it   
EB: i miss both of you as well   
EB: it'll be nice to catch up   
GG: definitely!! :)   
GG: its a shame my other cousins cant make it because i think youd really like them   
EB: oh yeah, jodie and jude, right?   
GG: joey but yeah  
GG: theyre great   
EB: i hope i get to meet them one of these days  
GG: anyway i need to get to class now but its been nice talking to my favorite cousin named john!  
EB: i'm your only cousin named john!  
GG: :P  


ectoBiologist [EB]   ceased pestering   gardenGnostic [GG]

undyingUmbrage [UU]   began pestering   tiaemusTestified [TT]

UU: HEY DIRK  
UU: DIRK   
UU: HEY DIRK ARE YOu THERE   
UU: DIIIIIIIRK  
UU: I KNOW YOu CAN'T POSSIBLY BE ASLEEP YET   
UU: IT'S LIKE FIVE IN YOuR LAME ASS TIME ZONE  
UU: I AM BEING PATIENT AND GRACING YOu WITH MY PRESENCE  
UU: DIRK I WANT TO PLAY A GAME  
UU: WHY ARE YOu IGNORING ME   
TT: I'm not ignoring you, I'm just doing my homework.   
UU: YOu CAN DO YOuR HOMEWORK LATER, CAN'T YOu  
TT: Yes, but if I do it now, I won't have to worry about it later.   
TT: Also, homework can be relaxing.   
TT: I don't think you even know what the word "relaxing" means.   
TT: It's a miracle I haven't blocked you yet.   
UU: DO YOu BELIEVE IN MIRACLES, DIRK?   
TT: No, miracles are as fake as shit and so is magic, that was just something stupid I said for no reason.   
UU: WAS THAT SARCASM OR NOT, I CAN'T TELL OVER TEXT   
TT: Sort of.   
TT: Anyway, I'm doing my homework now so bug me later and I'll draw all the porn you want.   
UU: HOW DID YOu KNOW THAT'S WHAT I WANTED FROM YOu?   
UU: MAYBE YOu REALLY ARE MAGIC   
TT: Oh, I don't know.  
TT: Maybe because it's what you talk about nearly all the time?   
TT: The exception being those lovely days where you talk about beating your sister into the ground or about how useless and stupid everyone but you is.  
TT: You should get a hobby.   
UU: I'LL GET BACK TO YOu WHEN YOu'RE IN LESS OF A GRuMPY MOOD  
UU: I DON'T KNOW WHO I'LL BuG INSTEAD SINCE MOST OF YOu DELuSIONAL LOSERS BLOCKED ME BUT I'M SURE I CAN FIND SOMEONE  
TT: Is that supposed to make me feel bad for you?  
UU: FuCK OFF  


undyingUmbrage [UU]   ceased pestering   tiaemusTestified [TT]


	2. are you allowed to bring a sword to a college campus and other questionable google searches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1 day before break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has some more descriptions of abuse and its psychological affects. This fic will likely only grow more and more explicit, so if this amount makes you uncomfortable, I recommend not reading any further. Also, it involves a minor instance of a far older guy creeping on a younger girl, so if that makes you uncomfortable, skip the final pesterlog in this chapter.

golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering  timaeusTestified [TT]  


GT: Finally!  
GT: Gee i sure am worn out by all these examinations and the infernal amount of studying that i was doing for them. How have yours been going dirk?  
TT: I’ve got one left.   
GT: Really? Shucks that must be as frustrating as... something thats incredibly frustrating i suppose!  
TT: Sure is.   
TT: But it’s just calculus, which I like to think I’m pretty okay at.  
GT: Hey dont sell yourself short like that. I happen to think youre a downright old fashioned genius when it comes to mathematics and stuff like that!  
TT: Thanks, man.  
TT: It’s been a bit weird, adjusting to being surrounded by people who think like me.  
TT: Don’t even get me started on the work load.   
GT: Alrighty then i wont.  
GT: Are you excited to meet up with all of our internet pals?  
GT: I for one am more than a little worried half of them might turn out to be hairy old men masquerading as teenager.  
GT: The internet is a dangerous place dirk!  
TT: Nah, they’re fine.  
TT: I’ve facetimed with most of them myself and I’m pretty sure I can trust you when you say your sister isn’t a pervert in disguise.  
GT: She is most certainly not!  
GT: Speaking of the meet up i feel obligated to ask you if you have any intentions of bringing that AWESOME SWORD OF YOURS!  
TT: I’ve been considering it.  
TT: The problem is that I really don’t want to get in trouble with Rose’s university.  
TT: if only Karkat and his asshole roommate went there, I wouldn’t give a shit but there’s cousin loyalty to be considered.  
GT: That is a very valid point indeed!  
GT: Its fine if you dont i was just asking  
TT: You know what, fuck it.  
TT: It should be fine as long as I don't use it and if I tell the administration I'm bringing it.  
GT: Golly!  
GT: Can you send me another picture in anticipation of this fabulous meeting?  
TT: I could do that or you could be surprised by which one it is when we meet.  
TT: Which do you prefer?  
GT: Id definitely love to be surprised.  
GT: Gee how is it that all of my friends are so cool?  
TT: Don't you think literally everything is cool?  
TT: Especially movies.  
GT: Whats your point?!  
GT: I have impeccable taste.  
TT: You think Weekend at Bernie's is a masterpiece.  
GT: Yes i think that because its true  
TT: I'll let that comment speak for itself.  
GT: Stop pulling the aloof hipster baloney its stupid as hell  
TT: Sure.  
TT: I'll do that the moment you describe literally any movie as 'bellow average'  
GT: Oh come on thats not fair  
TT: It's okay, I'll be judgmental enough for us both.  
GT: You do that because ill be over here having a grand gay time with all of my excellent movies! TT: It's not like I don't like anything.  
TT: Puppets are pretty great.  
GT: Are puppets a movie?  
TT: Well, no.  
TT: If we're talking exclusively movies, the MLP movie was top notch.   
GT: Mlp?  
TT: My little pony.  
GT: Right, I forgot about your obsession with youthful equines!  
TT: Way to make it sound creepy as fuck, dude.  
GT: Isnt that what they are?  
TT: Technically?  
TT: Never mind.   
TT: Let's talk about literally anything else, please.  
GT: Alright but im not sure what else there is to talk about  
TT: How's school going for you?  
GT: Rather good if i do say so myself  
GT: Some people have asked me if i talk 'like that' because im practicing for a role  
GT: Should i be offended by that?  
TT: Nah.  
TT: They can join in the club of People Who Are Confused By Jake English.  
TT: Where I'm the founding member, of course.  
GT: Oh most certainly  
GT: Did you found it for ironic purposes?  
TT: Yup.  
TT: Though, I should point out I am genuinely baffled by you.   
TT: That's not an exception for you, I'm baffled by people in general.  
GT: Hah!   
GT: I agree people are rather confusing in general.  
GT: Especially when youve been raised on a deserted island with only your sister grandfather and occasional college students from the next island over for company!  
GT: Golly its a freaking miracle i have any social competence at all  
GT: And yes i do have some social competence  
GT: Delete that snarky comment youre typing right now Mr Strider  
TT: What snarky comment?  
TT: I had no such intentions.   
GT: Oh really?  
TT: Nah, I was totally gonna say that.  
GT: Shucks, buster!  
GT: You got me good  
TT: Thank you.  
TT: I'll be here all week.  
TT: Actually, I won't be because I'll be meeting up with ya'll.   
TT: God.  
TT: That'll be surreal as fuck.  
GT: Agreed  
GT: Man.  
GT: I'm getting a bit sweaty and im only thinking about it.   
GT: Where in damnation did i leave my towels?  
TT: In the bathroom, maybe.  
GT: Oh right haha  
TT: You're one hell of a guy, Jake.  
GT: Is that a compliment?  
GT: It can be bloody difficult to figure out what youre talking about sometimes  
TT: Yeah, I think so.   
GT: Especially when youve been raised on a deserted island with only your sister grandfather and occasional college students from the next island over for company!  
GT: Golly its a freaking miracle i have any social competence at all  
GT: And yes i do have some social competence  
GT: Delete that snarky comment youre typing right now Mr Strider  
TT: What snarky comment?  
TT: I had no such intentions.   
GT: Oh really?  
TT: Nah, I was totally gonna say that.  
GT: Shucks, buster!  
GT: You got me good  
TT: Thank you.  
TT: I'll be here all week.  
TT: Actually, I won't be because I'll be meeting up with ya'll.   
TT: God.  
TT: That'll be surreal as fuck.  
GT: Agreed  
GT: Man.  
GT: I'm getting a bit sweaty and im only thinking about it.   
GT: Where in damnation did i leave my towels?  
TT: In the bathroom, maybe.  
GT: Oh right haha  
TT: You're one hell of a guy, Jake.  
GT: Is that a compliment?  
GT: It can be bloody difficult to figure out what youre talking about sometimes  
TT: I feel the same way and I actually know what I’m thinking.  
TT: Ugh, I have a nasty headache.  
GT: I hope i didnt cause it!  
TT: No, it’s probably from sleep depravation.  
TT: God, I need another cup of coffee.  
GT: How late is it over there?   
GT: I was certain texas time was ahead of los angeles.  
TT: It is.   
TT: I have an hour or so before dinner, but I stayed up pretty late last night.  
TT: I don’t know what I’d do without caffeine.  
GT: You drink it black right?  
TT: Yup.  
TT. While you take yours barely caffeinated and with a mountain of whip cream.  
GT: I sense disdain hidden in that statement  
TT: Was it hidden?  
GT: Touche  
TT: That's not really what touche means.  
GT: Oh whatever  
GT: Hows the studying going anyway  
TT: It's not and I should get back to that.   
TT: Oh.   
TT: Im sorry.  
GT: It's fine.  
GT: I did need a break.  
GT: You always know when I need one, somehow.  
TT: Youre welcome bro  
TT: I like to think ill always be there for such a fabulous bro like you  
TT: and the rest of the gang of course!  
GT: Yeah.  
GT: We're all good pals.  
TT: Dont get me wrong ive known you for the longest and youre definitely number 1  
GT: How am I supposed to respond to that?  
TT: I dont know.  
TT: Maybe by getting back to your studies?  
GT: Oh, right.  
GT: Thanks for the reminder.  
GT: Good talk, though.  
GT: Let's do it again soon.  
TT: Tomorrow?  
GT: Sure.  


TT  ceased pestering GT

arachnidsGrip [AG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC]   


AG: Hey Terezi.  
AG: How many finals do you h8ve left?  
CG: TOO M4NY.   
CG: YOU?  
AG: Three.  
AG: Which, if I do say so myself, is too many.  
AG: Them's the 8r8ks!  
CG: Y34H  
CG: UGH WHY D1DN'T YOU KNOCK M3 OUT 4ND K1DN4P M3 UNT1L 1 CH4NG3D MY M1ND WH3N 1 S41D 1 W4NT3D TO GO TO L4W SCHOOL.  
CG: S3R1OUSLY TH1S FUCK1NG SUCKS  
AG: You've only g8t yourself to 8lame, Pyrope.   
CG: BL3CK  
CG: 1 M1SS YOU.  
AG: I'll be seeing you soon.  
CG: TH4NK GOODN3SS FOR TH4T.  
AG: It's gonna 8e fantastic.  
AG: Aradia finally got 8ack to me, 8y the way.  
AG: She'll 8e there.  
AG: It'll practically 8e a full Scourge-Charge reunion.  
AG: All we need is an a8surd amount of emotional trauma and near death experiences.  
GC: MOST OF TH4T 3MOT1ON4L TR4UM4 W4S 1NFL1CT3D BY YOU 1F 1 R3M3MB3R 4CCUR4T3LY.   
GC: 4ND W3'D N3V3R H4V3 B33N 1N D4NG3R OF D34TH 1F NOT FOR YOUR 4BSURD BULLSH1T  
AG: Point taken.  
AG: I was a 8it of an idiot when I was thirteen. /span>  
GC: SO W4S 1.  
GC: W3 GR3W OUT OF 1T, 3V3NTU4LLY  
AG: I don’t know, w8’re still pr8tty dum8.  
GC: M4YB3 YOU 4R3  
GC: 1 4M 4 C3RT1F13D G3N1US  
AG: You don't need to 8r8g little miss Harvard.  
GC: :P  
GC: L1K3 YOU W3R3N'T BR4GG1NG TO 4LL OF OUR FR13NDS 4BOUT HOW COOL YOU W3R3 FOR H4V1NG SUCH 4 SM4RT B3ST FR13N3MY W1TH B3N3F1TS  
GC: W3LL YOU D1DN'T T3LL TH3M 4BOUT TH3 L4ST B1T  
AG: Th8t w8s, wh8t?  
AG: 8nly 8 h8ndful of t8m8s!!!!!!!  
GC: TH4T'S WH4T TH3Y 4LL S4Y.  
AG: Th8y?  
> GC: YOU DO C4R3  
GC: 1 THOUGHT YOU W3R3 4BOV3 MUND4N3 HUM4N 3MOT1ONS L1K3 J34LOUSY  
AG: Fuck youuuuuuuu  
GC: N4M3 4 T1M3 4ND PL4C3  
AG: R8lly?  
AG: Th8 inf8mous Pyrope wit 8nd all you can think up is N4M3 4 T1M3 4ND PL4C3?  
AG: 8nd you know the time and pl8ce alr8dy  
> AG: 8r8k's coming up soon  
GC: HMMMMMMMM  
AG: 8 m's?  
AG: You must r8lly miss me.  
GC: OH NO WH4T WOULD 1 3V3R DO W1THOUT YOUR CONST4NT STR34M OF BULLSH1T 4ND L4M3 ON3 L1N3RS  
GC: *G4SP*  
GC: COMPL3T3LY F1N3  
AG: We're a mess.  
GC: COULDN'T S4Y 1T B3TT3R MYS3LF  
GC: HOLY SH1T W3 N33D 4CTU4L TH3R4P1STS 1NST34D OF PS3UDOSC13NC3 L4LOND3 4ND H3R M3DDL3SOM3 G1RLFR13ND  
AG: I wonder if th8y're going to sp8nd the entire meet up d8ncing around each other in a flighty 8road snark off of epic proportions or 8ver just hook up alr8dy  
AG: 8t l8st we're open with 8ch other with how fucked up we are.  
GC: 1 TH1NK TH3Y W1LL F1ND TH4T WH3N 1T COM3S TO H4V1NG 4N 1MM3NS3 4MMOUNT OF 1SSU3S, NOBODY C4N B34T T34M SCOURG3 1N 4 FUCK3D UP R3L4T1ONSH1P OFF.  
GC: W3 4R3 S1MPLY TH3 B3ST TH3R3 IS  
GC: 4LTHOUGH D4V3 4ND K4RK4T DO S33M TO B3 TRY1NG TO G1V3 US 4 RUN FOR OUR MON3Y  
GC: QU1CK, PUSH M3 OFF 4 SURPR1S1NGLY CONV13N3NT CL1FF 4ND P4R4LYZ3 M3 FROM TH3 W41ST DOWN  
AG: That W8S an accident  
AG: 8esides he says he's fine with it  
GC: YOU R34L1Z3 T4VROS 1S TOO T3RR1F13D OF YOU TO S4Y 4NYTH1NG 3LS3, R1GHT?  
GC: B3C4US3 H3 TOT4LLY 1S  
GC: 4LTHOUGH H3 M1GHT B3 F1NE W1TH 1T  
GC: 1 DON'T KNOW  
GC: H3'S SC4R3D OF M3 TOO  
AG: What a scaredy cat!!!!!!!!  
AG: W8 8re totally h8rmless  
GC: SUR3   
GC: 1F YOU DON'T COUNT S41D PR3V1OUS P4AR4LYZ1NG   
AG: That sure is a v8lid point you made.  
AG: I'm going to ignore it like th8 grown up I am.  
GC: WOW MUCH M4TUR1TY   
GC: D4MN1T DO 1 M1SS YOU  
GC: H34R1NG TH3 SCR33N R34D3R R3C1TE YOUR WORDS 1S S1MPLY NOT TH3 S4M3 4S L1ST3N1NG TO YOUR BULLSH1T 1N R34L L1F3  
AG: Riiiiiiight th8t!  
AG: We could f8cetime if you w8nt  
GC: 1T'S F1N3   
GC: 1'LL B3 4BL3 TO S33 YOU 1N P3RSON SOON, 4FT3R 4LL  
AG: How in person 8re we t8lking here? :::;)  
GC: D3P3NDS  
AG: On wh8t?  
GC: 4 LOT OF F4CTORS  
GC: ON3 B31NG HOW MUCH T1M3 W3 4CTU4LLY H4V3 4LON3  
GC: 1'M PR3TTY SUR3 K4RK4T 1S PL4NN1NG ON B31NG 4 ON3 M4N 4RMY 4G41NST 4NY SLOPPY M4K3OUT S3SS1ONS  
GC: 1T'LL B3 H1LL4R1OUS WH3N H3 4ND D4V3 HOOK UP  
AG: You think that'll happen?  
GC: 4LMOST C3RT41NLY   
AG: I might 8s well take your word for it.   
AG: How 8re you so good at th8t?  
AG: One of th8se days you need to teach me.  
GC: WH4T, HOW TO H4V3 4 SLOPPY M4K3OUT S3SS1ON?  
GC: YOU KNOW HOW TO DO TH4T PR3TTY W3LL 4LR34DY 1F 1 DO S4Y SO MYS3LF  
AG: Can we h8ve a single convers8tion that's not littered with innuendo?   
GC: 4LMOST C3RT41NLY NOT  
AG: You kn8w wh8t I mean  
AG: Pr8dicting rel8tionships and people  
AG: Everyone likes you.  
GC: VR1SK4 4R3 YOU K1DD1NG ME  
AG: No?  
GC: 1'M T3RR1BL3 W1TH P3OPL3  
GC: SUR3 1 C4N GU3SS WH3R3 TH3Y'R3 H34D3D  
GC: BUT 1F 1 ST1CK MY H34D 1N?  
GC: 1T 3NDS UP 4 W1LD CLUST3RFUCK 1 M34N LOOK 4T TH3 TWO OF US  
AG: I'm not 8elieving that for more than a second  
GC: B3L13V3 WH4T YOU W4NT TO  
GC: F4CTS 4R3 F4CTS  
AG: You know, your lack of self confidence wh8n you're not pl8ying around surprises me to this day.   
GC: YOU'R3 NOT SO D1FF3R3NT   
AG: Fuck you, I h8ve aaaaaaaall the self esteem.   
AG: ALL of it.  
GC: BL4T4NT L13S  
AG: May8e a 8it  
AG: You know too much 8bout me  
AG: I should n8v8r have told you a8out my mom  
GC: YOU COULDN'T 3X4CTLY 4VO1D 3XPL41N1NG 4FT3R 1 S4W THOS3 SC4RS 4ND BRU1S3S  
AG: You ignored them th8 first f8w times you saw m8 topless :::;)  
GC: B3C4US3 TH3Y W3R3 OLD  
GC: 1 H4V3 OLD SC4RS TOO  
GC: 1 COULDN'T 1GNOR3 FR3SH WOUNDS  
AG: Ugh.  
AG: You're too perspective for your own good.   
GC: 4ND YOU LOV3 1T  
GC: 4DM1T 1T  
AG: Y8h, okay.   
AG: I do.  
AG: I don't kn8w why  
GC: B3C4US3 1'M BR1LL14NT, FUNNY, 4ND 4M4Z1NGLY HOT?  
AG: Two out of three 8nt bad  
GC: OH 1 S33 WH4T YOU'R3 DO1NG  
AG: How c8n you see yours8lf?  
GC: 1 C4N'T  
GC: 1'M BL1ND, R3M3MB3R?  
AG: I knowwwwwwww  
GC: WH1CH ON3 4M 1 NOT?  
AG: You can guess if you want  
GC: 1T'S OK4Y   
GC: 1 KNOW YOU TH1NK 1 4M 4LL THR33 4ND 4R3 JUST LY1NG TO FUCK W1TH M3 L1K3 YOU L1K3 TO DO ON 4 R3GUL4R B4S1S  
GC: YOU SUR3 H4V3 4 FONDN3SS FOR BL4T4NT L13S   
GC: M4YB3 YOU SHOULD G3T B3TT3R 4T 1T  
AG: 8t what, lying?  
GC: SUR3  
AG: 8ullshit, I'm a gr8 liar  
GC: ONLY WH3N YOU'R3 LY1NG TO YOURS3LF  
GC: WH1CH YOU DO FR3QU3NTLY WH3N YOU CL41M YOU DON'T F1ND M3 4S HOT 4S 4 MOTH3RFUCK1NG VOLC4NO   
AG: ........sick 8urn?  
GC: Y3S 3XTR3MLY SO  
GC: YOU SHOULD C4LL TH3 HOSP1T4L FOR TH4T F1RST D3GREE BURN OR 4T TH3 V3RY L34ST 4PPLY SOM3 HOT W4T3R TO TH3 SCORCH3D 4R3A B3C4US3 TH3S3 SHOTS H4V3 B33N F1R3D  
GC: 4ND TH3Y TOO 4R3 1NCR3D1BLY HOT JUST L1K3 4LL TH3S3 1RONS 1 H4V3 1N TH1S F1R3  
GC: 4LLOW M3 TO OFF3R YOU 4N OOOOOOOOH SN4P  
GC: TH4T'S 31GHT OS FOR YOU M1SS S3RK3T   
AG: Holy shit you 8re getting more and more like Strider every d8y.   
AG: Were you th8t desper8 for comfort while I w8s 8t therapy?  
GC: OM1GOD NO  
GC: TH4T 1S SUCH 4 D1SGUST1NG THOUGHT YOU H4D, 1 4M EMBAR4SS3D FOR YOU R1GHT NOW  
GC: H3'S 4 GOOD FR13ND 4ND H3'S S1GN1FIG4NTLY L3SS OF 4N 4SS TH4N YOU 4R3  
AG: That's not too hard  
GC: :P  
AG: Ugh.  
GC: ?  
AG: I miss you so much.  
GC: 1'M H3R3 NOW 4R3N'T 1  
GC: W3'R3 GO1NG TO S33 34CH OTH3R R34LLY SOON  
AG: It's not the s8me  
AG: 8nd besides everyone's going to 8e at the meet up it's not like we'll h8ve much time to ourselves   
AG: T8ke that in whatever sense you want.  
AG: H8lf of them 8re going to 8e 8usy with their relationship drama and the other half will 8e getting their stupid noses in everyone else's business  
AG: I still can't w8 to see you despite the inevita8le clusterfuck that'll happen due to all of our conflicting personalities 8eing in a confined space.   
GC: W3'LL B3 F1N3  
GC: W3 4LW4YS 4R3  
AG: Hah  
GC: 1T'S NOT L1K3 4NYON3 D13D  
GC: OR MOR3 4CCUR4TL3Y 1T'S NOT L1K3 W3 K1LL3D 4NYON3  
AG: God.  
AG: We were a such a fucking mess.  
GC: ST1LL 4R3 SUG4R  
GC: :P  


GC ceased pestering AG

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] opened a memo on board ADORABLOODTHIRTSY SQUAD: ROAD TRIP TO HELL  


TG: ok so I know most of u r just finishing up final tests essays & what not  
TG: but 2 those who r already done & starting 2 pack then u need 2 know this b4 the road trip to hell a la karkats over dramatic declaration begins  
TG: if any of u ever & i mean EVER get pestered by a user named undyingUmbrage then u need to contact me o jane immediately  
TG: weve mentioned callies shithead of a bro in passing 2 some of u but theres a lot jane dirk jake & i havent mentioned  
TG: callie is 2 shy 2 make this announcement herself & she asked me 2 do it 4 her  
TG: he is a violent sociopath  
TG: psychopath  
TG: sadist?  
TG: o who the fuck cares hes awful & u guys need 2 b majorly careful if he catches wind of this  
TG: he types in dark gray & all of his letters r capitalized except 4 u  
TG: i wld recommend blocking him immediately  
TG: if he makes an alt account o if u dont want 2 block him then u r not allowed 2 mention calliope at all  
TG: dont let on u even know her name  
TG: if he finds out u r connected 2 her & might know where she is then we r all in big shit  
TG: “where she is” i hear u asking  
TG: callie is going 2 b staying with me after the meetup until we can find her a safer place to live  
TG: if caliborn  
TG: thats his name  
TG: if caliborn finds out from any of u then i will personally track u down & tear ur beating heart out of ur chest  
TG: u will b torn limb from 2 limb  
TG: Got it?

uranianUmbra [UU]  replied to memo

UU: thank yoU so mUch, roxy.  
UU: i mean it.  
UU: i don’t know how i feel aboUt people being eviscerated in my name bUt i appreciate the sentiment.  
TG: no problem  
TG: anything 4 u!  
TG: or shld i say anything for uu  
UU: hehehe!  
UU: yoU and yoUr friends are so extraordinarily kind, i simply cannot wait to meet yoU in person.  
TG: right back atcha!  
UU: thank yoU.  
UU: see yoU soon, i hope.

timaeusTestified [TT]  replied to memo

TT: Roxy, should I block him?  
TG: i think ur fine  
TG: uve been dealing w him 4 a while & u know how 2 avoid giving info away  
TG: also blocking him right b4 callie vanishes will only confirm that shes w us  
TT: Alright.  
TT: Good to know you’re on top of the situation.  
TG: omg i am not on top of it  
TG: if b ing on top of it is mt everest then im deep in the mariana trench of not  
TG: looooool  
UU: shUsh!  
UU: yoU are a very competent and clever yoUng lady.  
UU: if i'm not allowed to be self deprecating then yoU are not either.

TT ceased replying to memo

TG: any other questions or can i wrap this up?

carcinoGeneticist [CG] replied to memo

CG: I GOT ONE FUCKING QUESTION  
CG: WHY DID YOU HAVE TO USE MY FUCKING MEMO BOARD INSTEAD OF, YOU KNOW, MAKING YOUR OWN LIKE A FUCKING REASONABLE PERSON WHO ISN'T BATSHIT OFF THE WALLS CRAZY IN FIFTY DIFFERENT FUCKING WAYS?  
TG: bc every1 is already subscribed 2 this 1 next question  
CG: FUCK YOU I COULD BAN YOU FROM THIS MEMO IF I WANTED TO  
TG: but u wont bc deep down behind all that shoutiness is some1 who gives a shit about his friends & the safety of their friends?  
CG: FUCK YOU, I CARE A SHIT TON ABOUT MY FRIENDS AND THE SAFETY OF THEIR FRIENDS.  
CG: YOU DON'T GET JUST HOW MUCH I CARE ABOUT YOU AND WILL FUCKING PROTECT YOU EVEN WHEN EVERY PART OF MY MORONIC ASS BRAIN IS TELLING ME TO LET YOU GUYS KILL EACH OTHER OFF IN A STUPID BATTLE ROYALE-ESC FIASCO.  
TG: there u go  
TG: u do care & u wont shut down a memo which might b saving callies sanity  
CG: HER SANITY?  
TG: yeah i told u he was a psychopathic sick piece of shit w a violent streak a mile wide  
CG: YOU ONLY MENTIONED HE WAS A PSYCHOPATH SLASH SADIST SLASH SOCIOPATH  
TG: that 2  
TG: seriously i wouldnt be bulging in on ur SUPER FANCY MEMO if it wasnt serious af  
CG: SHIT  
CG: WELL... I'M SORRY CALLIOPE.  
CG: THIS MEET UP IS A TERRIBLE IDEA NONETHELESS BUT YOU'RE COOL  
CG: YOU'RE PROBABLY ONE OF THE LEAST BATSHIT BANANAS IN THIS WHOLE CREW UU: thank yoU, i think?  
UU: that is a compliment, is it not?  
TG: if i were u i wldnt listen 2 what grumpykat says  
TG: hes grumpy  
CG: GRUMPY KAT?  
CG: SERIOUSLY?  
CG: I AM RECONSIDERING MY KIND AND BENEVOLENT CHOICE NOT TO BAN YOU AT THIS VERY MOMENT.  
TG: its ok ill probably head offline soon i just need 2 lurk 2 make sure every1s got the drill  
CG: UGH FINE.  
CG: I NEED TO GO ANYWAY, ERIDAN IS YELLING AT ME FROM ACROSS THE ROOM.  
CG: BUT TRY TO FINISH UP SOON, GOT IT?  
TG: will do.  


CG ceased replying to memo

UU: eridan is his roommate, right?  
TG: yeah he goes by caligulasAquarium, uses double ws slash vs, & hits on everything that moves  
UU: oh i think i know him!  
TG: i'm sorry  
UU: heh  
UU: he is pretty strange  


gallowsCalibrator [GC] replied to memo

GC: 1F H3'S 4S B4D 4S YOU S4Y, WHY C4N'T YOU R3PORT H1M TO TH3 POL1C3?  
TG: were going 2  
TG: ive been gathering evidence like photos of her injuries & his notes ect  
TG: but b4 we get the cops involved we need 2 get her 2 a safe place  
TG: this is a very delicate sitch  
TG: if we move 2 quickly & he finds out b4 hand i dont know how badly he might hurt her  
TG: at the very least shell never get the opportunity to run 4 a very long time  
UU: no.  
TG: ?  
UU: no, i do know what woUld happen if he foUnd oUt.  
UU: he woUld kill me.  
TG: dont say that callie  
UU: it's true.  
UU: he's threatened as mUch.  
UU: and oUr dear old jUggalo dad has never intervened before so it's not like i can rely on him to save me.  
UU: he likes caliborn more.  
TG: jeez.  
GC: JUGG4LO?   
UU: don't even get me started.  
GC: NO, 1'M JUST 4SK1NG B3C4US3 1 W4S B31NG H4R4SS3D BY 4 P3RV FOR 4 WHILE  
GC: H3 W4S A JUGG4LO TOO  
GC: WH4T'S TH31R D34L?  
UU: i don't know.  
UU: all i know is that i really, really, really, REALLY hate puppets  
TG: no wonder u & dave get along  
TG: his bro has a thing about puppets 2  
GC: W31RD  
TG: i couldnt agree more  
GC: HOW MUCH DO YOU KNOW 4BOUT TH3 L3G4L SYST3M  
TG: not much  
TG: im researching it now  
GC: B3C4US3 MY MOM 1S 4 L4WY3R 4ND 1M STUDY1NG L4W.  
UU: i really woUld prefer to avoid getting them arrested  
UU: they are awfUl bUt they are family  
TG: no  
TG: were family  
TG: theyre just the people ur related 2 ok  
UU: thanks  
UU: bUt if i did want them to get in troUble legally then i'd have to go through the whole process  
UU: i don't want people to see what he's done to me.  
UU: what i've let him do to me.  
UU: i shoUld've run before.  
UU: why do i need yoU to tell me what he says and does is wrong?  
UU: why can't i fight back?  
GC: H3Y C4LL1OP3  
GC: SHUT UP  
GC: YOU 4R3N'T TH3 ONLY P3RSON WHO'S 3V3R B33N 1N TH1S S1TU4T1ON 4ND 1F YOU 1NSULT YOURS3LF, YOU'R3 1NSULT1NG TH3M TOO  
GC: SO DON'T DO TH4T  
TG: terezi!  
UU: roxy, no, it's okay.  
UU: she's not trying to be mean and she isn't.  
UU: i've never really thoUght about it like that before  
GC: ROXY, TRUST M3  
GC: 1'V3 D3LT W1TH VR1SK4 FOR TH3 L4ST 31GHT33N Y34RS.  
GC: 1 TH1NK 1 C4N H4NDL3 H3LP1NG ON3 N1CE N3RDY G1RL  
UU: what do yoU mean by dealing with vriska?  
GC: SH3'LL PROB4BLY T3LL YOU WH3N YOU M33T 1N P3RSON  
GC: 1T'S NOT 4NY MY JOB TO 3XPL41N H3R STORY  
GC: J33Z WHY DO 4LL OF MY FR13NDS H4V3 SH1TTY F4M1L13S?  
TG: hey terezi  
TG: behind all of ur bluster & morbid jokes who r u?  
TG: like  
TG: u & vriska maybe Aradia 2 r mysterious as fuck  
TG: who ARE u?  
GC: WHY, WH4T COULD YOU POSS1BLY M34N BY TH4T? ;]  


apocalypseArisen [AA] responded to memo

AA: im in for operation protect calliope!  
TG: were not calling it operation protect calliope  
TG: thats so boring  
AA: okay then, what do you suggest, boss?  
TG: boss?  
AA: is that not what you are?  
TG: i mean ok sure y not  
UU: yoU are rather effective at getting people organized  
AA: if not operation protect calliope, how about something cool sounding like...  
AA: hm  
AA: operation cherub?  
TG: by any chance do u watch a lot of anime  
AA: yeah actually quite a bit  
TG: i knew it  
TG: anyway callie what do u think  
UU: i’m not certain we need a code name at all bUt operation cherUb does soUnd rather cool, as aradia puts it.  
AA: excellent!  
GC: J33Z YOU 4LL 4R3 SUCH W33BS  
AA: im sorry i couldn’t hear you over the sound of yours and vriska’s death note obsession.  
AA: pot, kettle?  
GC: 1 N3V3R S41D W3 W3R3N’T, JUST TH4T YOU W3R3  
GC: BTW D34TH NOT3 1S GR34T 4ND YOU SHOULD W4TCH 1T 1F YOU H4V3N’T 4LR34DY, C4LL1OP3.  
UU: i prefer shows with more romance in them, I hope yoU don’t mind.  
GC: 4LR1GHT  
GC: BUT 1F YOU DO W4TCH 1T 4ND DON’T L1K3 1T YOU’R3 3V3N BL1ND3R TH4N 1 4M  
AA: oh and my sister says shes in on operation cherub too!  
AA: well actually she said a lot more than that mostly to do with what shed do to caliborn and that juggalo  
AA: individual  
AA: if they ever came near me or her  
TG: o boy  
TG: how much profanity did u censor w that short summary  
AA: approximately?  
AA: i could make out a handful of words that werent profanity  
GC: TH4T SUR3 1S OUR D4MNNNNNNNN4RA  
AA: she is not our anything  
AA: I told her you said that and she predictably cussed you out  
UU: is she coming to the meetUp with yoU?  
AA: yeah but shell probably spend the entire time getting drunk and aggressively propositioning everything and anything  
AA: once when she was really drunk she started flirting with a flower pot  
TG: drunk guardian huh  
TG: i can relate  
UU: Uh aradia was that sUpposed to be reassUring becaUse it was not very.  
UU: U_U  
AA: oh dont worry she almost exclusively talks in japanese and makes an effort to stick to people her own age  
AA: youre probably safe from her   
UU: roxy said drunk gUardian  
UU: do yoU not have parents?  
UU: i'm sorry if i asked a rUde question  
AA: no its fine  
AA: they passed away when we were younger  
UU: i'm sorry!  
AA: dont be  
AA: ive long since come to terms with it  
TG: hey y is she with u  
TG: rnt u at school?  
AA: oh my school lets out earlier  
UU: what are yoU studying?  
AA: archeology!  
UU: oh that is incredible.  
UU: i wish i coUld go to school.  
TG: u will  
TG: when we get u out of there were gonna catch u up 2 speed as quick as we can   
TG: might take a while but we will get u a life  
UU: yoU're brilliant, roxy.  
UU: can i say thank yoU enoUgh times?  
TG: nah  
TG: i dont think thats possible  
UU: so then i will say it again and again Until i am blUe in the face!  
UU: hehe  
TG: u can b tots adorbs some times  
AA: you are both very nice  
TG: yeah?  
AA: its great to talk  
AA: im excited to meet you ‘irl’ as they say  
TG: SAME  
TG: like im absurdly hype  
AA: terezi vriska tavros and i go way back  
AA: we used to go to school together  
TG: seriously?  
TG: y didnt u tell us?  
AA: i thought you guys knew  
TG: i mean every1 knows u 3 r shady af  
AA: us three?  
TG: yeah no offense intended 2 the guy but tavros is a pretty easy read  
AA: he can be a lot of fun, though.  
TG: huh  
TG: 4 some reason tavros and fun dont tend 2 correlate in my head frequently  
AA: team charge is frequently underestimated  
AA: we think its because were short  
TG: huh?  
AA: inside joke sorry  
UU: what’s team charge?  
AA: fun!  
AA: and also a REALLY long story  
TG: well on that mysterious note i think im gonna say goodbye 4 now  
TG: lunch is calling me   
UU: I shoUld try to scavenge Up something to eat too  
UU: caliborn’s probably done in the kitchen by now  
UU: time to go clean his messes again  
UU: i cannot wait till i am free of the fUcking disaster that is his attempts at ‘cooking’  
UU: or really, anything.   


UU ceased responding to memo 

AA: if youre both heading out i might as well go do something too

AA  ceased responding to memo

TG closed memo

terminallyCapricious [TC] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

TC: HEY JANE  
TC: are you up for some  
TC: MOTHERFUCKING GAMES?  
GG: How do you know my name?  
TC: i guess its a  
TC: MOTHERFUCKING MYSTERY ALL UP IN THIS BITCH  
TC: :o)  
GG: Oh dear god.  
GG: You're the weird juggalo that was harassing GC, aren't you?  
GG: You have five seconds before I'm blocking you.  
TC: i know  
TC: SOMETHING YOU MOTHERFUCKING DONT  
GG: I'm sure you do.  
GG: Goodbye.  


GG  blocked TC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Their majors so far: Jake is studying acting, Terezi is studying law, Dirk is studying robotics, Aradia archeology, Roxy is coding and game design, Jane is cooking, Rose is literature/english, Kanaya is fashion design, and Calliope would be studying art if she could (she takes courses online when she can, though). The rest are either undecided or being purposefully not revealed. 
> 
> Vriska's mom is a combination of her lusus and Aranea/mindfang. She doesn't have a father.


	3. road trip to hell: furry edition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the first day: am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's some more discussion of vriskrezi's nsfw interpersonal relationship and equius is in here which means furries.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: have i ever mentioned how much i hate mornings  
TT: Yes, actually.  
TT: Quite a few times.  
TG: well i was wrong  
TT: Really.  
TG: i dont hate mornings  
TG: i DESPISE them  
TT: Let me guess, you slept in again  
TT: Which is why you're messaging me about this two hours after you usually wake up.  
TT: I can't talk for too long, by the way.  
TT: I'm waiting for Roxy to get her act together.  
TG: seriously youre already at her place?  
TG: did you get up at the crack of dawn or what  
TT: It's only a half hour's drive from my school to hers.   
TT: Besides, we have to pick up Jane and Calliope as well so we needed to get going early.   
TG: you sure are addicted to complexity aren't you  
TT: It's not that complicated, Dave.   
TT: If anything, you're the one who can't ever do anything the simple way.  
TG: ha  
TG: whats that supposed to mean  
TT: Oh, there's Roxy.  
TT: I've got to go.  
TG: taking the cowards way out i see   
TT: Hilarious, as always.  
TT: See you soon.  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

arsenicCatnip [AC] began pestering centaursTesticle [CT]

AC: :33< terezi and i are on our way!  
CT: D--> Alright  
CT: D--> You did tell her it would be I who would drive you two did you not  
AC: :33< uh well  
AC: :33< she's already very grumpy about needing help  
AC: :33< so i mewbe furrgot to mention i dont have mew drivers license  
CT: D--> Well then  
CT: D--> This is going to be... interesting.

arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased pestering centaursTesticle [CT]

gallowsCalibrator [GC] began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG]

GC: SO  
GC: D1D YOU H4V3 4NYTH1NG TO DO W1TH TH1S  
AG: What.  
GC: 4PP4R3NTLY MY ROOMM4T3 C4N'T FUCK1NG DR1V3 4ND SH3 JUST SO H4PP3N3D TO FORG3T TO T3LL M3 UNT1L 1'M 1N THE P4RK1NG LOT 4ND 1NST34D OF CL1MB1NG 1NTO TH3 DR1V3R'S S34T, SH3 GO3S "H3Y 3QU1US!"  
GC: 3XCUS3 M3  
GC: hey equius!! im a furry! isnt it funny youre a furry too! wow do i love cats  
AG: Says the girl who's o8sessed with dragons.  
GC: S4YS TH3 SP1D3R FURRY  
GC: FUCK 1 DON'T KNOW W3'R3 4LL FURR13S  
GC: 4NYW4Y DR4GONS 4R3 OBJ3CT1V3LY COOL  
GC: WHO G1V3S 4 FUCK 4BOUT HORS3S 4NYW4Y  
AG: Wow.  
GC: 1 4M 4 M4TUR3 T33N4G3R 1 4M 4LLOW3D TO THROW 4 H1SSY F1T OV3R B31NG TR4PP3D 1N 4 C4R W1TH TWO FURR13S FOR HOURS  
GC: WHO'S DR1V1NG YOU 4NYW4Y  
AG: Kanaya.  
AG: While you'll 8e stuck in 8ickering roleplayer hell, I'm listening to her ten page essay on why Rose Lalonde Is Actually The Smartest Person On This Planet And We Should All Want To Fuck Her Like I Do  
GC: SH3 D1DNT 4CTU4LLY WR1T3 4N 3SS4Y ON TH4T D1D SH3?  
AG: No, 8ut she does have a folder filled with notes on how to successfully hit on the girl.  
AG: It's pretty in depth  
GC: D34R GOD TH3Y'V3 GOT 3QU4L ODDS OF 4WKW4RDLY STUMBL1NG 4ROUND 3ACH OTH3R FOR TH3 WHOL3 TWO W33KS OR JUST 1MM3D14TLY M4K1NG OUT ON S1GHT  
AG: We should get Roxy to check if Rose has a file on Kanaya as well.  
GC: 1 DON'T DOUBT 1T  
GC: S1GH  
GC: H4V3 1 M3NT1ON3D 1 H4T3 NOT B31NG 4BL3 TO DR1V3  
GC: L1K3 B31NG BL1ND 1S F1N3 MOST OF TH3 T1M3 4ND 1 LOV3 M4K1NG P3OPL3 UNCOMFORT4BL3 W1TH T4ST3L3SS JOK3S BUT D4MN 1T 1 W4NT TO B3 4BL3 TO GO PL4C3S W1THOUT SOM3ON3 3LS3 C4RT1NG M3 4ROUND  
AG: I know  
AG: I mean I COULD get my driver's license 8ut whenever I 8ring it up I get so many offers to 8e driven anywhere I might as well take them up on it  
AG: 8ut I h8 being patronized  
GC: NO OFF3NS3 BUT 1'M GL4D 1 ST1LL H4V3 MY 4RMS  
GC: TH3 4MMOUNT OF ST YOU G3T 1S 4BSURD  
AG: Yeah, I won't be "armless" for much longer if they keep going on like that  
AG: Pricks  
GC: 3Y3 H4V3 NO 1D34 WH4T YOU'R3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT  
AG: Hah.  
AG: Never heard that one before in my entire life. How creative.  
GC: H3H3H3H3  
GC: UGH  
GC: OH NO NOT 4G41N  
AG: ????????  
GC: TH3Y ST4RT3D 4RGU1NG OV3R ROL3PL4Y1NG 4G41N  
GC: N3P3T4, 4LTHOUGH 4 GOOD FR13ND 4ND LOY4L ROOMM4TE, H4S SOM3 B1Z4RR3 1NT3R3STS 4ND 1 S4Y TH4T 4S 4N 4V1D LOV3R OF DUNG3ONS 4ND DR4GONS  
GC: OH GOD  
GC: 3QU1US 1S T4LK1NG 4BOUT FUCK1NG HORS3S PL34S3 D1STR4CT M3 VR1SKA YOUR3 MY ONLY HOP3  
AG: Wow.  
AG: I do NOT envy you right now  
GC: 1 DO NOT FUCK1NG W4NT TO H34R 4BOUT HOW B34UT1FUL M1LK 1S  
GC: 1 W1LL N3V3R LOOK 4T M1LK TH3 S4M3 W4Y  
AG: 8y the way, can they hear my replies?  
GC: N4H 1 H4V3 MY 34RBUDS 1N ON3 34R  
GC: 1F 1 TRY TO L1ST3N TO YOU 3XCLUS1V3LY TH3Y ST4RT N4GG1NG M3  
GC: 1’M NODD1NG 4LONG TO MOST OF WH4T TH3Y S4Y  
GC: WH1CH H4PP3NS TO B3 4 L3CTUR3 4BOUT HORS3 UDD3RS  
GC: 1’V3 GOTT4 G1V3 H1M PO1NTS, FOR 4 HORS3 OBS3SS3D W31RDO, H3 1S 4 TOP NOTCH MULT1T4SK3R  
AG: For your information, I’m reading everything you’re saying out loud to Kanaya and she said to tell you that’s hilarious.  
GC: TH1S 1S USU4LLY WH3R3 1 S4Y SCR3W YOU 4ND YOU M4K3 TH3 S4M3 T1R3D JOK3 OF S4Y1NG SOM3TH1NG L1K3 “SOON” BUT 1 H4V3 4 H34D4CH3 FROM TH31R BULLSH1T  
AG: Don’t you mean “horse shit?”  
AG: Eyyyyyyyy  
AG: :::;)  
GC: 1’M PR4CT1C4LLY CR4CK1NG UP B3C4US3 OF HOW FUNNY TH4T JOK3 W4S  
GC: P34K COMM3DY R1GHT TH3R3, 1 M34N D4MN, HOW C4N 4NYTH1NG 1 3V3R DO B34T TH3 MOST OBV1OUS PUN 1N TH3 GOD D4MN WORLD  
AG: Thank you, thank you very much  
AG: I’ll 8e here for two weeks.  
GC: 4R3 YOU R34D1NG TH1S TO K4N4Y4?  
AG: Not anymore, she said she needed to focus on the road.  
AG: Sure would be a shame for us to have an accident.  
AG: Then I might lose 8OTH arms and I could 8e fully 8lind like you  
GC: NOT S331NG 1SN’T TH4T B4D  
GC: 1 M34N 1T’S NOT L1K3 1 H4V3 4NYTH1NG TO COMP4R3 1T TO BUT 1 W1SH P3OPL3 WOULD STOP P1TY1Ng M3  
GC: 1 DON’T W4NT P1TY.  
GC: 1’M NOT TH3 TOK3N BL1ND CH1CK FOR P3OPL3 WHO W4NT 3XTR4 BROWN13 PO1NTS TO P4TRON1Z3 WH3N TH3Y CL41M TH3Y JUST W4NT TO H3LP  
AG: Was I like that 8efore I lost my arm and my eye?  
GC: NO  
GC: 4CTU4LLY 1 TH1NK TH4T’S WHY 1 L1K3D YOU SO MUCH  
GC: YOU D1D WH4T YOU W4NT3D 4ND N3V3R W41T3D FOR 4NYON3 3LS3’S 4PPROV4L  
GC: 1F SOM3ON3 D1SR3SP3CT3D YOU, YOU D1DN’T TH4NK TH3M THROUGH GR1TT3D T33TH FOR P4Y1NG 4TT3NT1ON TO TH3 F4CT YOU 3X1ST3D  
GC: YOU D3M4ND3D R3SP3CT 4ND F41LUR3 TO G1V3 1T TO YOU W4S 4N 1NSULT TO YOUR PR1D3  
GC: 1F 1 F3LL B3H1ND, YOU N3V3R BL4M3D MY D1S4B1L1TY  
GC: YOU 3XP3CT3D M3 TO B3 YOUR 3QU4L 4ND YOU N3V3R H3LD MY H4ND THROUGH 4NY OF 1T  
GC: T34M SCOURG3: RUTHL3SS 4ND F3D UP W1TH T4K1NG 3V3RYON3 3LS3’S SH1T  
AG: Was?  
GC: W3LL TH3N TH3 WHOL3 4R4D14 4ND T4VROS TH1NG H4PP3N3D  
GC: 1 W4S SO P1SS3D 4T YOU BUT 4LSO 4T MYS3LF FOR GO1NG 4LONG W1TH YOU FOR SO LONG  
AG: Harsh.  
GC: TH4T'S WH4T 1 F3LT.  
GC: 1 M34N, 1 W4S WRONG, OF COURS3.  
GC: 1 D1DN'T GO 4LONG WITH 4NYTH1NG 4ND 4CT1NG L1K3 1T W4S 4LL YOU W4S MY W4Y OF D3NY1NG R3SPONS1B1L1TY FOR 3V3RYTH1NG  
GC: 1 W4S F1N3 W1TH 1T 4S LONG 4S 1T W4SN'T MY FR13NDS C4UGHT UP 1N TH3 M3SS 4ND TH4T W4S S3LF1SH OF M3  
GC: WH1L3 YOU W3R3 OFF 4T TH3R4PY 1 W4S MOSTLY OV3RLOOK3D  
GC: M4YB3 B3C4US3 NOBODY 3XP3CTS 4 BL1ND G1RL TO B3 4 BORD3RL1N3 PYSCHOP4TH L1K3 YOU OR M4YB3 B3C4US3 1 CH4NG3D MY M1ND 4T TH3 L4ST MOM3NT WH3N 1 FOUND OUT TH3 FULL S3T OF CONS3QU3NC3S BUT TH3Y 4LL THOUGHT 1 W4S 4NOTH3R V1CT1M 1NST34D OF YOUR P4RTN3R 1N CR1M3.  
AG: Technically, we didn't commit any crimes.  
GC: (SHOOSH. 1'M MONOLOGU1NG.)  
GC: 4ND 1 C4N D34L W1TH 4 LOT OF TH1NGS BUT P1TY 1SN'T ON3 OF TH3M.  
GC: 4S 1 W41T3D FOR YOU, 1 THOUGHT 4BOUT 4 LOT OF TH1NGS.  
GC: 1 WORSH1PP3D YOU.  
AG: ........  
GC: TH4T W4S 4 M1ST4K3.  
GC: YOU'R3 HUM4N L1K3 TH3 R3ST OF US 4ND 1 F3LT SO STUP1D FOR NOT R34L1Z1NG 1T UNT1L YOU 4LMOST BL3D OUT R1GHT B3FOR3 M3.  
GC: SO 1'M 4 B1T CR4ZY TOO  
GC: FUCK 1T  
GC: 1 M1SS3D WHO 1 W4S WH3N W3 W3R3 SCOURG3 3V3N 1F TH3 CONF1D3NC3 H4D B33N 4 L13  
AG: God.  
AG: I missed that too.  
AG: Still do.  
AG: There's a part of me I'll never get 8ack even if the doctors could figure out how to make me a new eye and arm.  
AG: Which they can't.  
GC: WOW TH4T W4S ON3 H3LL OF 4 CONF3SS1ON  
GC: NOT 4NYTH1NG YOU D1DN'T R34LLY KNOW BUT 1T H3LPS TO PUT TH1NGS 1NTO WORDS  
AG: So now I know the gritty details 8ehind why I lost my virginity on my first night 8ack. GC: L3T'S NOT T4LK 4BOUT TH4T WH3N 1'M L1ST3N1NG TO TH1S FURRY SH1T  
GC: 1T'S 4 B1T D1STURB1NG  
GC: WOULD YOU L1K3 TO 4SSOC14T3 3XC3SS1V3LY D3T41LS D3SCR1PT1ONS OF HORS3 G3N3T4L14 W1TH YOUR F1RST T1M3?  
AG: That's a good point.  
AG: What exactly do you mean 8y excessively detailed?  
GC: 4S 1N 1'M WOND3R1NG HOW H3 KNOWS TH1S  
GC: S3R1OUSLY 1F H3 4DM1TS H3 FUCK3D 4 HORS3 TH3N 1 WOULD NOT B3 SURPR1S3D  
GC: HOW TH3 FUCK D1D SUCH 4 N1C3 G1RL L1K3 N3P3T4 G3T 1NVOLV3D W1TH H1M?  
AG: May8e they're rel8ed?  
GC: 1 DON'T W4NT TO G3T 1N ON TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON  
AG: Ask Dirk or Hal.  
GC: TH3Y N3V3R M3NT1ON TH3 HORS3 FUCK3R 3V3N 4FT3R 4 LONG CONV3RS4T1ON 4BOUT TH3 L4LOND3S SO 1 DON'T TH1NK SO.  
GC: ST1LL TH3Y H4V3 ON3 CONFUS1NG F4M1LY TR33  
GC: D1RK L1K3S HORS3S TOO  
GC: M4YB3 B31NG 4 FURRY 1S G3N3T1C  
AG: Hah.  
AG: May8e everyone is a furry and some are 8etter at hiding it than others.  
GC: R3PL4C3 TH3 WORD FURRY 1N TH4T S3NT4NC3 W1TH B4S1C4LLY 4NYTH1NG 3LS3 4ND 1T SOUNDS PROFOUND  
AG: Funny, how the english language works.  
GC: H3H3H3  
AG: How long is your trip?  
GC: TWO HOURS OF HORS3 4ND C4T H3LL  
AG: Ouuuuuuuuch.  
AG: Them's the 8r8ks.  
GC: YOU'R3 G3TT1NG OFF TO MY M1S3RY 4R3N'T YOU  
AG: No  
GC: Y3S  
AG: No  
GC: Y3S, YOU 4R3  
AG: No, I'm not.  
GC: YOU TOT4LLY 4R3 OH MY GOD VR1SK4  
GC: 1 4M 3MB4R4SS3D TO B3 YOUR FR13ND  
AG: Oh, we're just friends now?  
AG: *raises eyebrows*  
GC: B3ST FR13NDS  
GC: 4LSO 4RCH R1V4LS  
GC: 4ND T3RR1BL3 1NFLU3NC3S  
AG: That's fair.  
GC: OF COURS3 1T 1S, 1 4M 4 L4WY3R 1N TR41N1NG 4FT3R 4LL  
AG: Yes, because there have never been any unfair or corrupt judges in the history of law.  
GC: OBJ3CT1ON  
GC: TH3 PROS3CUT1ON POL1T3LY T3LLS TH3 D3F3NS3 TO SHUT UP  
AG: The defense politely tells the prosecution that she's hot when she's 8ored.  
GC: TH3 PROS3CUT1ON 4CKNOWL3DG3S TH3 OBV1OUS ST4T3M3NT OF F4CT BUT WOULD L1K3 TO CL4R1FY B3C4US3 SH3 1S 4LW4YS HOT  
GC: 4ND SH3 PO1NTS OUT TH3 D3F3NS3 1S PROB4BLY LOOK1NG GORG3OUS TOD4Y BUT SH3 C4N'T T3LL B3C4US3 SH3 1S BL1ND  
GC: BUT TH3 PROS3CUT1ON WOULD B3 4BL3 TO T3LL TH3 PR3C1S3 L3V3L OF 4TTR4CT1V3N3SS TH3 D3F3NS3 1S 1F TH3Y M4D3 OUT FOR 4 WH1L3  
AG: Nerd.  
AG: For the record, I am looking quite attractive today.  
GC: WH4TCH4 W34R1NG?  
AG: A loose tank top under my hoodie.  
AG: The one I had to steal 8ack from you 8efore I left 8ecause you "8orrowed it"  
GC: MMMMMMMM, GO ON.  
AG: My hair's down and I haven't had it cut since summer 8r8k.  
AG: Lower down, I've got my com8at 8oot and jeans.  
GC: 4NY J3WL3RY?  
AG: You're just asking cause you want to know if I remem8ered to match  
GC: GU1LTY 4S CH4RG3D  
AG: I thought you were the prosecution in this long winded metaphor.  
GC: 1'M FL3X1BL3  
AG: I already knew that :::;)  
AG: Anyway, yeah, I got it.  
AG: One silver scorpio necklace and also a pair of hoop earrings.  
AG: I'm assuming you're wearing yours.  
GC: 1'M 1NSULT3D YOU F3LT L1K3 H4D TO 4SK  
AG: Weren't you the one who was fishing to find out if I was?  
GC: Y34H BUT YOU TRUST M3 MOR3 TH4N 1 TRUST YOU  
AG: I trust you as far as I can throw you  
GC: Y34H 4ND 1'M H4LF 4 FOOT SHORT3R TH4N YOU  
AG: You have 8oth arms  
GC: YOU'R3 R1PP3D 4ND ONLY H4LF BL1ND  
AG: Like you're not hella 8uff yourself  
GC: 1'M NOT BUFF 1'M WH4T CULTUR3D P3OPL3 C4LL TON3ED  
AG: First off, how the hell would you know what cultured people say?  
AG: Second, you have no idea how 8uff you are 8ecause you can't look at yourself in the fucking mirror  
GC: R1GHT 1 FORGOT  
AG: Says the girl with a 8orderline photographic memory.  
GC: HOW C4N 1 H4V3 4 PHOTOGR4PH1C M3MORY 1F 1 C4N'T S33  
AG: You tell me.  
AG: Whatever  
AG: You know what I meant.  
GC: DO 1 NOW?  
GC: 1 4M NOT PYSCH1C D3SP1T3 YOUR N34R CONST4NT 1MPL1C4T1ONS TH4T 1 4M  
GC: YOU’R3 TH3 ON3 W1TH TH3 M4G1C 31GHT B4LL F3T1SH  
AG: It’s a compulsion not a fetish  
AG: 8nd I’m working on 8r8king it  
AG: And you’re one to t8lk Ms. Lick Girl  
GC: OH MY GOD  
AG: Wh8t?  
GC: TH3Y’V3 ST4RT3D R4PP1NG  
GC: WH1L3 ROL3PL4Y1NG  
GC: 4ND B3FOR3 YOU 4SK, NO TH3Y 4R3 NOT 4NY GOOD  
GC: 1 MUST B3 L1ST3N1NG TO TH3 W31RD3ST R4P OFF 1N 4LL OF T1M3 4ND SP4C3  
AG: Wow.  
GC: ...  
AG: Woooooooow  
AG: You’ve got to t8ke a video or recording or SOMETHING  
GC: WHY DO YOU W4NT TO 3XP1R13NC3 TH1S M1S3RY F1RST H4ND WH3N YOU H4V3 TH3 OPT1ON OF DO1NG L1T3R4LLY 4NYTH1NG 3LS3  
GC: 1’M PR3TTY SUR3 YOU W3R3 4 S4D1ST L4ST 1 CH3CK3D  
GC: S4V3 YOURS3LF VR1SK4 4ND L34V3 M3 TO MY F4T3  
AG: I could do that  
GC: BUUUUUUUUT  
AG: But I could 8lso screenshot this entire convers8tion and put it on my snapch8t  
GC: YOU WON’T  
AG: Is that a dare?  
GC: NO  
GC: 1 JUST KNOW YOU’D N3V3R SH4R3 4NY CONV3RS4T1ON WH3RE YOU 4DM1TT3D H4V1NG 4NY F33L1NGS B3YOND N4RC1C1SSM.  
AG: 8ullshit.  
AG: I'm so well adjusted  
AG: My ego is perfectly reasonable for a confident college student who knows she's going places in life.  
GC: L1K3 4N 1NS4N3 4SYLUM FOR TH3 M3G4M4N14C4L  
AG: Been there, done th8t.  
GC: YOU'R3 3X4G3RR4T1NG  
GC: TH3 PL4C3 YOU W3NT TO W4SN'T 4N 1NS4N3 4SYLUM  
AG: Coulda fooled me.  
GC: :?  
GC: 1S TH4T G3NU1N3 3MOT1ON 1 4M D3T3CT1NG?  
AG: I'm always genuine.  
GC: 4S G3NU1N3 4S 4 SP1D3R D34R SCOURG3 S1ST3R OF M1N3  
AG: God, you using terms of "8ffection" triggers my fight or flight reflex  
GC: FUCK YOU  
GC: 1 C4N B3 4FF3CT1ON4T3 W1THOUT B31NG THR34T3N1NG 34S1LY  
AG: No need to try  
AG: 8fter all, you 8cting threateningly is basically the same as affection  
GC: OUR R3L4T1ONSH1P 1S SO FUCK3D UP  
AG: Soooooooo fucked up.  
AG: But it sure is fun.  
GC: D4MN R1GHT 1T 1S  
AG: I should talk to K8n8ya for a bit  
AG: See you soon?  
GC: SUR3 TH1NG  


gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG]

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering uranianUmbra [UU]

TG: r u still ready 2 do this?  
UU: yUp!  
UU: i'm scared bUt excited too.  
UU: as far as i can tell, they haven't caUght on.  
UU: i packed my bag last night.  
UU: thank yoU   
UU: for everything  
TG: im just doin what any1 wld do in this sitch  
UU: plenty of people woUldn't cross the coUntry for a random stranger they met on the internet.  
UU: yoU are the exception.  
TG: ur not a random stranger tho  
TG: ur my friend  
TG: :)  
UU: how far away are yoU?  
TG: 1 mo  
TG: rose says a half hour give or take a few  
UU: alright.  
UU: see yoU soon  
TG: :D

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering uranianUmbra [UU]

gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering uraniumUmbra [UU]

GG: We're about ten minutes away.   
GG: Roxy has turned on the James Bond music up to eleven!   
UU: thank yoU  
UU: caliborn is bUsy yelling at someone on the internet again and dad left to go shopping a few minUtes ago  
UU: everything seems to be in order  
UU: it's so strange  
UU: all these years i've spent trapped here and now i'm going to rUn away forever  
UU: i don't know if this is easier or harder than i thought it woUld be.  
GG: It's going to be okay.  
GG: We're here for U!  
UU: hehe  
UU: i think i'm ready

gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased pestering uraniumUmbra [UU]

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] opened a memo on board ADORABLOODTHIRSTY SQUAD: ROAD TRIP TO HELL 

TG: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!  
TG: OPERATION CHERUB IS COMPLETE  
TG: MOTHERFUCKING  
TG: SUCESSFUL!!   


grimAuxilatrax [GA] responded to memo

GA: Congratulations   
GA: Tell Calliope I Am Very Happy For Her Okay  
TG: She says thanks  
GA: I Cant Talk For Long Because Vriska And I Are Having Lunch   
GA: By The Way She Is Also Happy For Calliope Even If She Wont Admit It  


[GA] ceased responding to memo

carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to memo

CG: THAT'S GOOD   
CG: BY THE WAY DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW DAVE IS GETTING HERE  
TG: *raises eyebrows*  
CG: PUT THOSE EYEBROWS DOWN, ROXY  
CG: I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO KNOW WHEN THE HOARDS OF THIRSTY TEENAGERS WILL ARIVE TO SWARM MY ROOM  
TG: rnt u 1 of them  
CG: SHUT UP   
TG: hes taking a train   
TG: y dont u ask him  
TG: u know u want 2 yell @ each other  
CG: FUCK OFF  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] stopped responding to memo

TG: lmao  
TG: anyway if nothing else comes up we should make it by 3  
TG: in karkats time zone i mean  
TG: we is rose jane callie and i   


tipsyGnostalgic [TG] closed memo

undyingUmbrage [UU] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

UU: WHERE IS SHE  
TT: Where is who?  
UU: YOu KNOW WHO I MEAN  
UU: WHERE THE FuCK IS MY TRAITOROuS BITCH OF A SISTER  
UU: ALSO KNOWN AS ABSOLuTE FuCKING GARBAGE  
UU: OR CALLIOPE  
UU: MOST PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW HER LIKE I DO JuST CALL HER CALLIOPE  
UU: GOOD FuCKING RIDANCE THAT'S WHAT I SAY  
UU: SHE IS YOuR “FRIEND” IS SHE NOT  
TT: ...okay?  
TT: We're friends.  
TT: But I don’t know what you’re talking about.  
TT: Don’t you two live together?  
UU: YES AND SHE IS MISSING  
UU: ALONG WITH HALF OF HER WARDROBE AND APPARENTLY  
UU: GET THIS  
UU: FIVE HuNDRED FuCKING DOLLARS  
UU: THAT BITCH HAD THE AuDACITY TO STEAL FROM uS  
UU: AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN LEAVE A NOTE LIKE THE PuSSY SHE IS  
UU: WHEN I FIND HER, I AM GOING TO  
UU: I DON'T KNOW, WHAT'S SOMETHING THAT'S WORSE THAN JuST FINALLY KILLING HER LIKE SHE DESERVES  
UU: SHE BETTER BE SCARED WHEREVER SHE IS  
UU: GOD I HOPE SHE'S DEAD  
UU: HAHA WOuLDN'T THAT BE JuST FuCKING GREAT?  
TT: I thought you wanted to kill her or something.  
UU: YOu KNOW WHAT YOu'RE RIGHT  
UU: I HOPE SHE'S ALIVE SO I CAN DESTROY HER MYSELF  
TT: Murder is frowned upon in most states.  
UU: IT'S ONLY ILLEGAL IF YOu KILL SOMEONE uSEFul  
TT: That's... REALLY not how the law works.  
UU: WHATEVER  
UU: ANYWAY I KNOW YOu HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT  
UU: I’D BE ASKING YOuR BITCHES BuT THEY BLOCKED ME  
TT: My what now?  
TT: Do you mean Roxy and Jane?  
UU: YES WHO ELSE WOuLD I BE REFERRING TO?  
TT: One, I have several female friends and relatives outside of those two.  
TT: And more importantly, they aren’t my anything.  
UU: SuRE WHATEVER YOu SAY MR TOuGH GuY  
UU: YOu THINK YOu’RE SO SMART  
UU: LET ME TELL YOu A SECRET  
UU: YOu AREN'T.  
TT: I'm shocked.  
UU: TELL THEM TO uNBLOCK ME OR ELSE  
TT: I could tell them you want them to unblock you.  
UU: NO I MEAN  
UU: MAKE THEM uNBLOCK ME  
TT: Give me one good reason I should.  
UU: BECAuSE I WILL COME AND KILL YOu IF THEY DO NOT  
UU: I WILL KILL THEM TOO  
TT: And there we go, the first death threat of the conversation that's NOT aimed at Calliope.  
TT: Took you a while but we got there eventually.  
UU: SHuT YOuR STuPID MOuTH BEFORE YOu SAY SOMETHING YOu WILL REGRET  
UU: THESE ARE NOT IDLE THREATS  
TT: Today marks your 600th death threat to me and 2,321th death threat to her.  
UU: STOP KEEPING TRACK OF THAT  
TT: Or you’ll kill me?  
UU: YES!!  
TT: 601.  
TT: Anyway, I have no idea where your sister went.  
TT: I’ll ask them about it for you but I can't guarantee you an answer.  
UU: GOOD  
UU: FOR YOu THAT IS  


undyingUmbrage [UU] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dirk, Hal, and Nepeta are siblings in this AU, to represent Davepeta.


	4. fuck off to fucking jupiter and other greetings by karkat vantas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the first day noon or so

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when i said vague descriptions i may have been underestimating a bit. tw for suicide baiting

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: FUCK YOU  
TG: you know its traditional to start with hello right  
CG: FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU  
CG: FUCK OFF TO THE MOON  
CG: NO FUCK OFF TO FUCKING JUPITER  
CG: AND THEN FUCK RIGHT BACK HERE BECAUSE I'M NOT FUCKING DONE YET YOU FUCKING DOUCHEMUFFIN SHITHEAD   
TG: dude what  
CG: DON'T YOU FUCKING START YET  
CG: I WASN'T FUCKING DONE YOU UNAPPRECIATIVE PIECE OF SHIT WITH DELUSIONS OF COOLNESS  
CG: YOU FUCKING PRICK  
TG: what is it now  
CG: FUCK  
CG: I CAN'T  
CG: VGGHGH HRTHIGHIRUGHISHGPIOAEGAEGFAFOEAJFG VGGHGH  
CG: OW  
CG: I JUST HIT MY HEAD AGAINST THE KEYBOARD TO EXPRESS HOW FUCKING DONE I AM  
TG: dude you dont actually have to hit the keyboard when you do a keyboard smash  
TG: are you okay?  
CG: NO, I AM NOT  
TG: alright lets take it from the top  
TG: can you breath for five seconds?  
TG: is it politics an adult or one of our friends  
CG: OKAY  
CG: OKAY  
CG: THIS IS FINE  
CG: I CAN BREATH  
CG: THANKS I GUESS  
CG: AND ITS FRIENDS AGAIN  
CG: MORE SPECIFICALLY YOU  
CG: AND TAVROS  
TG: oh gog  
TG: god  
TG: whats his deal again  
CG: HE SEEMS TO THINK YOU'RE SOME KIND OF BADASS AND AN EXPERT AT DEALING WITH MURDER GIRLS?  
CG: WHICH IS TOTAL HORSE SHIT AND I'M PRACTICALLY SHITTING MYSELF OVER HOW STUPID IT SOUNDS  
TG: oh i am the BOMB at dealing with terrifying murder chicks  
TG: dealt with so many of them  
CG: STOP BRAGGING OVER SHIT YOU DEFINITELY MADE UP  
CG: IT'S HUMILIATING   
CG: FOR YOU  
TG: anyway so my badass skills with the sword aside what exactly does he want?  
CG: APPARENTLY A BODY GUARD  
CG: OR AT THE VERY LEAST SOMEBODY TO RUN INTERFERENCE BETWEEN HIM AND THE "SCOURGE SISTERS."   
CG: I SAID TO ASK ARADIA BECAUSE THEY ACTUALLY LIKE EACH OTHER FOR SOME STUPID REASON BUT HE SAID THEY'D SEE STRAIGHT THROUGH IT   
CG: I WAS LIKE, NO, THEY HAVEN'T MAIMED ANYONE SINCE VRISKA GOT OUT OF THERAPY BUT HE'S ALL "THAT YOU KNOW OF" AND I WAS LIKE SHIT THAT'S A VALID POINT  
CG: ALSO HE SAYS HE'LL PAY YOU  
TG: okay okay  
TG: first off why isnt he asking me himself instead of presumably bribing you into it  
CG: I DON'T KNOW  
CG: HE'S KIND OF WEIRD  
TG: second, maimed anyone?  
TG: terezi said tavros's paralysis was an accident  
CG: "AN ACCIDENT"  
CG: HONESTLY I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE HOW INTENTIONAL THE WHOLE MESS WAS BUT VRISKA DIDN'T GET THE SHIT BEATEN OUT OF HER FOR NO REASON  
CG: AND ARADIA'S SERIOUSLY WAY TOO CHEERFUL FOR SOMEONE WHO "ACCIDENTALLY" DESTROYED VRISKA'S EYE AND ARM.  
CG: THEY'RE ALL NUTS IN MY OPINION  
TG: okay i'm going to ignore the absolutely nuts parts of what you just said  
TG: and just ask how much hes offering  
CG: WELL THE NITRAMS ARE FUCKING LOADED BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY ARE SO HE SAID TWENTY BUCKS EVERY DAY FOR YOU  
CG: AND FIVE FOR ME  
TG: shit are you pimping me out  
TG: you are totally pimping me out  
CG: NO   
CG: HOLY FUCK NO  
CG: GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER, STRIDER  
CG: SERIOUSLY  
CG: THE MENTAL IMAGE IS DISGUSTING  
CG: THIS IS WHY I HATE TALKING TO YOU  
CG: YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT  
TG: be honest you love it  
TG: you crave the signature strider smackdown  
TG: tell him i'll do it but i dont know how effective ill be  
TG: dirks the one with the actual sword  
CG: AND HE'LL GET KICKED OFF CAMPUS FIVE WAYS TO SUNDAY IF HE TRIES TO USE IT  
CG: IT'S NOT THE PHYSICAL ATTACKS YOU NEED TO BE WORRIED ABOUT  
CG: TEREZI HAS A WAY OF MAKING YOU DO THINGS FOR HER WHILE THINKING THEY'RE ALL HER IDEA   
TG: uh  
CG: I MEAN LIKE   
CG: IF SHE WANTS YOU TO JUMP OFF A BRIDGE, SHE'LL GET YOU THINKING IT'S THE BEST DAMN IDEA YOU'VE EVER FUCKING HEARD NOT ANYTHING GROSS   
TG: okay...  
TG: anyway ill do it on one condition  
TG: well two  
TG: one is that if theres any bridges she gets me to jump off of he pays my medical bills cause bro sure aint doing that for me  
TG: and two i want 25 bucks instead of 20  
CG: HE SAYS FINE TO BOTH  
CG: GOG  
CG: GOD  
CG: UGH YOUR TYPOS ARE INFECTIOUS AS A FUCKING PLAGUE MADE OF ASSHOLENESS  
CG: I'LL SEE YOU SOON  
CG: WHEN ARE YOU ARRIVING AGAIN?  
TG: probably at 2 or so.  
TG: who's already there anyway  
CG: WELL TAVROS AND ERIDAN ARE CURRENTLY HAVING A COMPETITION TO SEE WHO CAN SOUND STUPIDEST IN A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME  
CG: ARADIA'S HELPING HER PARTNERS UNPACK  
TG: her what now  
CG: YOU KNOW SOLLUX AND FEFERI?  
TG: yeah  
TG: rose told me she facetimes with feferi a lot  
CG: THEY ALL GO TO THE SAME COLLEGE AND SHIT WENT DOWN  
CG: NOW THEY'RE ALL DATING EACH OTHER?  
CG: HONESTLY, I COULDN'T CARE LESS.  
TG: that sounds like something i want to avoid  
CG: TELL ME ABOUT IT  
TG: i just did  
CG: OH SHUT UP  
CG: I'VE GOT TO GO  
CG: JADE'S MESSAGING ME  
TG: oh is she now  
CG: ABOUT SCHEDULING YOU ASS

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering carcincoGeneticist [CG]

GG: my plane just landed!  
GG: i am catching a cab now   
GG: should be there in an hour!  
CG: YAY

gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering carcincoGeneticist [CG]

gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering arsenicCatnip [AC]

GG: i have landed!  
GG: are you close?  
AC: 33:< mew will probably get there by 3  
GG: cool!   
GG: i'm looking "fur"ward to meeting you in person  
AC: mew too!!  
AC: i hope mew are as purrty in purrson as mew are in pictfurs  
GG: aw!  
GG: yeah same  
AC: we're heading back on the road afur lunch  
GG: lucky   
GG: airplane food sucks 0_0  


gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering arsenicCatnip [AC]

grimAuxilatrix [GA] began pestering uranianUmbra [UU]

GA: I Hear Operation Cherub Was Completed Successfully  
UU: yes!  
UU: i am very excited to meet the girl rose talks so mUch about!  
GA: Whom Are You Referring To  
UU: yoU, of coUrse  
UU: Unless yoU don't know how mUch she cares aboUt yoU  
UU: shoUld i not have said that?  
GA: What Do You Mean  
GA: How Much Does She Care About Me  
GA: Like As A Close Friend You Mean  
GA: Or  
GA: Well I Am Just Asking What Has She Said In Regards To Her Feelings For Me If She Has In Fact Said Anything At All  
UU: Uh  
UU: i said nothing  
UU: u_u  
UU: Um   
UU: Unless yoU want her to have said something becaUse i can tell her that if yoU want me to  
GA: NO  
GA: I Mean Please Do Not Do That  
GA: Unless She Is Saying Something She Wants Me To Know  
UU: god SHE LIKES u u duumbassyreraoyiryuaryu  
UU: i am so sorry!  
GA: Wait What  
UU: roxy stole mysoteaoteur  
GA: Excuse Me Are You Alright  
UU: LESAIGTWBAIANTEISSHBISTIOAHROASSTSRRRTTNETOSNOE ROXYTANWTBLTHteioathoehfkhghhkkh  
UU: EYTELL HERSIHRIEJFFEEELFFFELFSLESBIASFFS  
GA: Roast Ass Roxy Tell Her Shire Elf Bias  
GA: This Is Definitely Complete Nonsense With No Relevance To Me At All   
GA: I Feel Like I Should Wait For You And Roxy To Settle Down  
UU: NOEHTUAEOTHUAOENGAIVEAHMETHEBOHBDY  
UU: FICCKKKKCKFIKCAGAYGAGAYGAGGGGGS  
GA: Are You Attempting To Say Fuck Gags  
UU: NO YTOOU DUMBRSARETATAMZIMSTORRYSOSORyryaboutahhtagaftonouimnotsahutfup  
UU: uKESAPPHruaotgKUVKANAyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa  
GA: Alright That Was Definitely My Name  
UU: NNADNANDNADDDADROSeeeeeeeensttstopthtattherestssssnothing  
GA: I Will Talk To You Later  
UU: no stay u need 2yiutnagooagO!escpae

grimAuxilatrix [GA] ceased pestering uranianUmbra [UU]

gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrax [GA]

GG: I am SO sorry about whatever is is Roxy and Calliope might have sent you   
GA: It Is Alright I Am Finding This Entire Situation Rather Amusing Even If I Really Do Want To Know What Rose Might Have Said About Me  
GA: Well Us And Whether Or Not There Even Is An Us To Be Precise  
GG: Oh my, is THAT what they’re tickle fighting over?  
GG: Onejfjgjifodosjdhfisosodog  
GG: GAHJkfjfjggasaaaydlvjgggdgirieiajffj  
GG: theyvehffhfisiaofof  
GG: mtjejjejrkrmrmmwmemmumy phone too  
GG: shes in mad hejeidoeoglglhkgkrknSNOTHINGrjrk  
GA: Alright This Is Mildly Concerning And I Think I Will Check On The Four Of You When You Are In A Less Agitated State  


gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrax [GA]

grimAuxilatrix [GA] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TT: Hi  
GA: Oh Hello There I Thought You Were Driving  
TT: I am the driver, yes, but I made the strategic decision to stop for snacks as to way to bribe my sister and her friends into staying moderately sane.  
TT: Or, at the very least, as sane as a handful of freshman hyped up on the adrenaline of a successful rescue mission can possibly be considered.  
GA: Are You Certain Offering Them Candy Will Not Merely Exaggerate Their Out Of Control Tendencies?  
TT: Nope.   
TT: It is the desperate gambit from the most sane person in the room to hopefully reduce the mean insanity by several degrees.  
TT: But given I am the most sane person in this car, I doubt it will ever reach a reasonable level of absurdity.  
GA: Did They Say What They Were Fighting About?  
TT: Nope.  
TT: Their tickle fight remains an enigma and I was hoping you would enlighten me on the nature of this discussion.  
GA: Um  
GA: It Was  
GA: Well Calliope Said Something About You  
TT: About me?  
TT: Should I be concerned that one of my disciples does not properly respect my superior driving skills?  
GA: You Did Not Let Me Finish  
GA: She Said  
GA: Well It Was About  
GA: You And Me  
TT: Oh.  
TT: In what context?  
GA: Before Roxy Interrupted She Was Being Evasive Almost As If There Was Something About The Two Of Us That She Regretted Nearly Revealing  
GA: Is There A Something She Knows About The Two Of Us That She Is Trying To Conceal  
TT: Is there a reason you keep saying the two of us instead of the more familiar “us?”  
GA: I Am Not Sure  
GA: You Are The Therapist After All   
GA: Shouldnt You Be The One With All The Answers To Questions Posed About The Human Mind  
TT: Hah  
TT: Most of the “psychoanalysis” I preform consists of pointing out phallic symbolism whenever I feel appropriate, or more accurately, inappropriate.   
GA: You Dont Do That As Much Anymore  
GA: The Dick Jokes I Mean  
TT: Really? I hope I haven’t slacked off in my duties as a Living Freudian Slip Detector.   
GA: No That Might Have Been An Incomplete Statement  
GA: You Dont Do That As Much With Me  
GA: In Group Chats Particularily Those Where Dave Is Present Your Sense Of Humor Dives Head First Into The Obscene  
TT: Do you want me to make more comments along those lines?  
GA: Perhaps I Dont Know What I Want  
GA: It Is Only An Observation   
GA: The Conclusions You Draw From Me Pointing It Out Likely Tell You More About Yourself Than Me  
TT: You make a valid point.   
TT: I hate to cut this scintillating conversation about my inclination to keep my amusing remarks directed at you away from more phallic imagery short prematurely but I think I may need to intervene again.  
GA: I Understand  
GA: My Food Is Here Anyway And Vriska Is Practically Begging Me To Pay Attention To Her  
GA: I Would Not Be Surprised If She Resorted To Blackmail.   


grimAuxilatrix [GA] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: emergency   
TG: earth 2 rose   
TT: What's wrong?   
TG: im not sure but uve done this whole deal before w dave so u shld be able 2 help  
TT: Done what?  
TT: I am reasonably certain Calliope and Dave are very different people.  
TG: u know!!  
TG: just get ur ass in here ok   
TT: Okay, one moment.   
TG: bring the tissues??  


tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

apocalypseArisen [AA] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

AA: hi karkat!!  
CG: OH GREAT JUST WHO I WANTED TO HEAR FROM, THE GOTH APOCALYPSE BUFF WITH A FAKE SMILE THE SIZE OF, I DON'T KNOW, FUCKING TEXAS.  
AA: youre welcome 0u0  
CG: GOD YOU ARE SO FUCKING SPOOKY  
CG: YOU PEIXES AND LALONDE SHOULD FORM A CLUB FOR SPOOKY OCCULT OBSESSED GOTHS.  
CG: AT LEAST LALONDE IS OPEN ABOUT THE FACT SHE'S A WEIRDO WHO'S ONLY REAL INTEREST IS SEEKING OUT STORIES ABOUT TENTACLE MONSTERS THAT WOULD HAPPILY CONSIGN OUR EXISTENCE TO OBLIVION  
CG: OR AS I HAVE BEEN LABORIOUSLY INSTRUCTED ON DURING FIVE COMPLETELY SEPARATE OCCASIONS  
CG: APATHETICALLY.  
CG: SO THAT'S HOW I DECIDE TO TREAT YOUR ARRIVAL AT THIS MOMENT.  
CG: AS COMPLETELY INSIGNIFIGENT AND UNDER MY CONTROL  
AA: karkat are you claiming to be a great old one?  
CG: NO THAT SOUNDS STUPID  
AA: okay...  
AA: anyway do you want to come to lunch with sollux feferi and i?  
CG: WHAT.  
AA: tavros and eridan can come if they want  
CG: WHERE AND WHO WOULD BE PAYING?  
AA: feferi or tavros if he comes  
AA: dont worry damara wont be there  
CG: I WASNT WORRIED  
CG: TRUST ME YOU WOULD KNOW IF I WAS WORRIED  
AA: so are you coming or not?  
CG: WHERE ARE YOU GOING?  
AA: actually thats sort of why i was asking  
AA: you and eridan have lived in this city for more than a few months so you probably know the best places  
CG: eridan here  
CG: ara i wwould highly recommend against askin kar for advvice on wwhere to eat  
CG: he exists on a diet of practically only ramen noodles peanut butter and chocolate  
AA: what a completely unsurprising turn of events!  
AA: where do you recommend?  
CG: wwell i wwould suggest goin for seafood because sea food is alwways the best but i suppose not evveryone has such a refined pallete  
AA: uh  
AA: i mean i do like sushi but your attempt to be open to other peoples tastes is coming off a bit condescending  
CG: wwait it is?  
CG: oh wwhatever  
CG: if you want a good japanese restaurant i recommend shiros sushi  
CG: i havvnt eaten yet so ill come with  
CG: KARKAT BACK.  
CG: I MIGHT AS WELL COME TO KEEP AN EYE ON ERIDAN.  
AA: he seems like a nice guy  
CG: DON'T SAY THAT  
CG: HE'S GOT A PRINCE CHARMING COMPLEX THE SIZE OF FUCKING JUPITER AND IF YOU GIVE HIM AN INCH, HE ABSOLUTELY WILL TAKE A MILE.  
AA: alright?  
AA: is tavros coming?  
CG: ARE YOU JUST ASKING BECAUSE YOU WANT HIM TO PAY?  
AA: no?  
AA: whatever he can come if he wants!  
AA: im sending the address of our hotel now

armageddonArisen [AA] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

undyingUmbragetwo [UU] began pestering uranianUmbra [UU]

UU: HEY SIS  
UU: WHERE DID YOu GO  
UU: WHEREVER YOu ARE YOu SHOuLD KNOW IM COMING FOR YOu   
UU: YOu WORTHLESS BITCH  
UU: FuCK YOu FOR THINKING YOu’RE BETTER THAN ME  
UU: YOu DESERVE EVERY BIT OF PAIN YOu’RE GONNA FEEL WHEN THOSE STuPID BITCHES ABANDON YOu   
UU: HAHAHAHAHAHA THEY DON’T REALLY LIKE YOu  
UU: THEY’RE JuST BEING NICE TO YOu BECAuSE THEY PITY YOu AND PITY DOESN’T LAST WHEN YOu START TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THEIR WEAKNESS LIKE THE COWARDLY BITCH YOu ARE  
UU: I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOu AGAIN DEAR FUCKING SISTER  
UU: SO I CAN FUCKING  
UU: DESTROY YOu FOR THE ARROGANCE YOu’RE SHOWING  
UU: HONESTLY IF I WERE YOu I’D KILL MYSELF NOW BEFORE I COuLD   
UU: COuRSE IF I WAS YOu I’D ALREADY HAVE DONE THAT CAuSE ID BE SO EMBARRASSED TO BE AN uGLY uSELESS BITCH WHO’S ONLY PuRPOSE IN LIFE IS  
UU: I DON’T KNOW PROBABLY SOME SICK JOKE  
UU: FREAKS LIKE YOu ARE ONLY GOOD FOR ONE THING AND THAT’S BEING A PuNCHING BAG FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME AND DAD  
UU: WHY AREN’T YOu REPLYING  
UU: YOu’RE SO STuPID YOu CAN’T EVEN RECOGNIZE WHEN YOu SHOuLD BE BEGGING FOR MERCY?  
UU: OH I BET YOu CANT EVEN uSE A COMPuTER WITHOuT ME AND MY SuPERIOR HACKING SKILLS  
UU: HOWEVER YOu MANAGED TO DISABLE YOuR GPS IT WONT WORK FOREVER  
UU: I WILL FIND YOu AND DESTROY YOu  
UU: uGH WRITE BACK AND BITCH ABOuT HOW MEAN I AM OR SOMETHING   
UU: WHAT ABOuT THOSE BITCHES YOu CALL YOuR FRIENDS IM SuRE ONE OF THEM WANTS TO CRY BY NOW  
UU: CALIBORN YOu PRICK  
UU: THEN I WILL DEMOLISH THEM TOO WITH THE ELEGANCE OF A HAMMER DEMOLISHING TuNING EMBROIDERY UU: OR WELL SOMETHING MANLY FuCKING OVER SOME WEAK BITCH THING  
UU: YOu ARE SO BORING WHEN YOu ARENT CRYING  
UU: YOu WILL CRY SOON  
UU: WHEN I FIND YOu AND KILL YOu  
UU: NOT DIRECTLY AFTER THOuGH  
UU: FIRST ILL KILL THE ROXY BITCHES BITCH SISTER  
UU: THEN ROXY AND JANE BECAuSE YOu HATE TO SEE THEM SuFFER  
UU: YOuD RATHER COME BACK AND BE MINE FOR ETERNITY THAN LET ME CLOSE TO THEM   
UU: IM PARAPHRASING BuT OF COuRSE YOu WOuLD BECAuSE YOu “LOVE” THEM   
UU: WELL GuESS WHAT YOu COWARDLY WHORE WHOD NEVER EVER BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING IN REAL LIFE LOVE IS FuCKING STuPID  
UU: SHAKESPEAR OR WHATEVER SAID THAT ITS BETTER TO BE FEARED THAN LOVED LIKE A BITCH  
UU: I THINK IT WAS SHAKESPEARE ANYWAY BuT BOOKS AND SHIT ARE FOR DuMB LOSERS WITHOuT ANY TIME FOR DOING INTERESTING THINGS LIKE BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF THEIR TRAITOROuS SISTER AFTER SHE WATCHES HER FRIENDS SLOWLY DIE  
UU: uGH YOu ARENT EVEN READING THIS ARE YOu  
UU: IM GONNA GO YELL AT THE ROXY BITCH WITH MY BRAND NEW ACCOuNT  


undyingUmbragetwo [UU] ceased pestering uranianUmbra [TT]

uranianUnbound [TG] opened a memo on board ADORABLOODTHIRSTY SQUAD: ROAD TRIP TO HELL 

UU: UnfortUnately, i have been forced by my shithead brother to start a new accoUnt   
UU: this way he won’t see i have seen his crUel messages becaUse i will have not!  
UU: my new pesterchUm is “uranianUnbroken”   
UU: i woUld like to thank rose for the sUggestion   
UU: it is a brilliant nickname!  
UU: i am looking forward to seeing yoU all in person in a few hoUrs  


uranianUnbound [UU] closed memo


	5. matchmaking with bonus lawbreaking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> day 1: pm  
> oh karkat and eridan's university is in seatle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added some new trigger warnings for this chapter in particular. There's some seriously heavy stuff in the end of the chapter. There aren't too many specific details but still. Skip the Dave/Vriska/Calliope conversation if you're not okay with sexual assault, rape, and descriptions of child abuse.

tipsyGnostalgic [TG]   began pestering   grimAuxiliatrax [GA]

TG: yo kanaya  
GA: Hello Again  
GA: Has The Situation Settled Down Over There  
TG: oh the phone smash earlier right  
TG: yeah all good  
TG: we arrived & found out some bad news  
TG: our room is just a wee bit cramped  
TG: like were supposed to have one king bed & a smaller 1 4 rose but it turns out there was some sort of mistake  
TG: rose says shes fine sleeping on the couch but i was wondering if u know any1 willing 2 share?  
GA: Actually I Must Have Accidentally Booked A Bigger Room Than I I Intended Somehow  
GA: I Am Not Sure How This Is Possible But If Rose Is Willing To Share Then I Would Happily Open My Door  
GA: Wait Was This Your Plan  
GA: I Mean Is This Intentional On Your Hand  
TG: lol what do u mean by that  
GA: Um  
GA: No Offense But I Dont Trust You When You Say That  
TG: heh  
TG: she says shes fine w it  


tipsyGnostalgic [TG]   ceased pestering   grimAuxiliatrax [GA]

tentacleTherpaist [TG]   began pestering   ectoBiologist [TG]

TT: Brilliant.  
TT: Absolutely and undeniably brilliant.  
EB: hehe what is?  
TT: Apparently, for SOME bizarre and completely unforeseeable reason, Roxy’s room is too small to accommodate four  
TT: Unless I wanted to squish myself into a bed containing Calliope, Jane, and her which is clearly not ideal.  
TT: It also so happens a certain somebody’s room was bigger than they booked and the hotel is insisting they can’t move us because they are completely full or some absurd excuse along those lines.  
EB: wow, who is it?  
TT: Take a wild guess, but first consider that although Calliope and Roxy appear to be experienced liars, Jane is not.  
TT: Even If she holds steadfast to her insistence it is a complete coincidence I am going to share with my new roommate, I doubt her sincerity.  
EB: uh...  
EB: so who is it?  
TT: Consider.  
TT: Who, among all the seemingly barely adequate peers of ours, manages to continuously leave me dumbfounded?  
TT: Bordering on embarrassed.  
EB: uh is it dave?  
TT: No and the thought horrifies me.  
TT: At the very least, I don’t have to share a bed with him.  
TT: This is a completely different variety of humiliation.  
TT: One which will likely force me to come to terms with feelings I have not yet fully acknowledged, perhaps out of fear of their implications.  
EB: alright i have no idea what you mean by that   
EB: can’t you cut the elusive witch nonsense and just tell me?  
TT: Feelings which if ever realized completely could lead to a schism in our friendships the likes of which hasn’t ever been recorded.  
TT: The world might shake at the intensity of my anguish.  
TT: Flames could rise from the depths to consume us both as our souls transformed from pounding hearts to black holes of sorrow.  
TT: Or, just speculating here, the outcome could be quite different indeed.  
TT: Celebration, no, down right euphoria, might reign for as long as we live.  
EB: um rose  
TT: Hand in hand, emotions synced to understand these strange waves of desire rising and falling in my soul.  
EB: ROSE!  
TT: Yes?  
EB: there’s no need to go all poetic or what not i just want to know!  
TT: Very well.  
TT: The plain and simple, with no embellishments or colorful prose, is that I suspect our dear friends and relatives of setting me up to sleep with Kanaya Maryam.   
TT: Shit.  
TT: I meant sleep in the same bed as her.  
TT: If you tell Dave I said that then I swear I will hunt you down and annihilate your entire family line from the time space continuum.  
EB: i dunno it seems all the nonsense you said about worlds shaking and euphoria or whatnot would be far more interesting to him  
TT: I speak in such a way near constantly.  
TT: He can believe what he wishes.  
EB: sure thing then  
EB: so you wouldn’t mind me sending this entire conversation to him  
TT: Like I said.  
TT: He can believe what he wishes although I would really prefer you not telling him about that particular Freudian slip of mine.  
TT: Dave’s view of the situation matters significantly less to me than Kanaya’s.  
EB: jegus you can be so silly at times!   
TT: Jegus?  
EB: it’s one of those dave typos that’s super infectious!   
EB: or maybe it’s a terezi one?   
EB: i dunno  
TT: Alright then.  
TT: Anyway, I should probably pester Kanaya for her room number and get this awkward conversation over as quickly as possible.  


tentacleTherpaist [TG]   ceased pestering   ectoBiologist [EB]

grimAuxiliatrax [GA]   began pestering   arachnidsGrip [TG]

GA: Vriska Are You Behind These Machinations  
AG: Wh8t machin8tions?  
AG: Is there a conspir8cy I wasn’t made aware of?  
GA: One Involving Rose And I  
AG: I actually have no idea wh8t you’re t8lking a8out.  
AG: Me and Terezi are in our room, 8eing completely harmless  
GA: For The Sake Of Your Neighbors I Hope The Walls Are Thick  
GA: I Highly Doubt You Two Could Ever Qualify As Completely Harmless   
AG: 8ullshit  
AG: I’m all reformed now  
AG: We’re only pl8ying card games.  
GA: Somehow I Dont Think You Will Ever ‘Only’ Be Doing Anything  
GA: Wait  
GA: How The Hell Is Terezi Playing Cards She Cant Even See Whats On Them  
AG: I’m not sure but she’s 8eating me  
AG: Whoever is responsible for wh8tever’s going down between you and Rose, it 8’nt us  
AG: D8mnit!  
GA: Wait What  
AG: How the HELL does she keep 8eating me?  
AG: I’m cheating five different ways from here to sunday and she’s 8LIND  
AG: Good8ye, t-shirt  
GA: Wait Did You Say T Shirt  
AG: I need to focus, talk l8ter?   
GA: Alright I Will Try To Ignore The Mysterious Statement About Clothes That Implies You Are Playing Strip Poker   
AG: Don’t be a8surd.  
AG: It’s strip Gin Rummy.   


grimAuxiliatrax [GA]   ceased pestering   arachnidsGrip [TG]

turntechGodhead [TG]   began pestering   carcinoGeneticist [CG]

 TG: yo  
TG: i dropped my shit off at my room  
TG: now im on my way to yours  
 CG: OKAY  
 CG: BUT WE AREN'T IN MY ROOM, WE'RE ON THE QUAD  
TG: oh rad why  
 CG: TOO CROWDED.  
 CG: WE'VE GOT ARADIA, HAL, NEPETA, JADE, EQUIUS, FEFERI, SOLLUX, ERIDAN, TAVROS, KANAYA, AND NOW YOU FUCKNUT ON THE WAY.  
TG: ah okay  
TG: wheres everyone else?  
 CG: UNPACKING, I THINK  
 CG: OH AND THE SCOURGE NIGHTMARE DUO OF HELL ARE APPARENTLY PLAYING STRIP GIN RUMMY.   
TG: you've got to be kidding me  
 CG: NOPE.  
 CG: I WISH I WAS.  
 CG: SERIOUSLY I COULD GO MY ENTIRE LIFE WITHOUT KNOWING THOSE TWO AND YET  
 CG: AND FUCKING YET.   
TG: i'm torn between going "noooooooooooo" and being completely unsurprised.  
 CG: GO WITH THE UNSURPRISED  
 CG: THEY'RE NUTS  
TG: alright on my way now  


turntechGodhead [TG]   ceased pestering   gallowsCalibrator [GC]

TG: yo terezi  
GC: Y3S, D44444444V3   
TG: heard you and vriska are playing cards  
TG: that true?  
GC: Y3Ss WH1CH 1S WHY 1 C4N’T CH4T FOR LONG NO M4TT3R HOW FUN TH4T M1GHT B3  
GC: 4LSO 1’M NOT W34R1NG H34DPHONES SO YOUR WORDS 4R3 B31NG BRO4DC4ST3D TO S41D VR1SK4  
TG: i also heard you were winning  
GC: YUP  
TG: everyone is wondering how the hell you can even play at all  
GC: 4R3 YOU 4SK1NG M3 TO R3V34L MY S3CR3TS?  
TG: nah we all are  
TG: well most of us that are on the quad  
TG: kanaya mentioned vriska implied there were some shenanigans happening involving t shirts and her cheating five different ways to sunday  
TG: so we drew straws metaphorically to see who’d ask you what was up and i was the poor sucker who lost  
GC: 1 G3T 1T  
GC: TH3Y W4NT TO KNOW WH4T VR1SKA LOOKS L1K3 MOSTLY N4K3D  
TG: holy shit that is so far from what i asked  
TG: jegus   
TG: you’ve made kanaya blush a shade of red i thought she kept in reserve for realizing she’d be sharing a bed with rose  
GC: VR1SK4 S41D SOM3TH1NG 4BOUT TH4T  
GC: 4ND NOW SH3 S4YS  
GC: “SHUT UP 4ND K1SS H3R, M4RY4M”  
TG: turns out they can both blush to a degree that makes them look like glowing tomatoes  
TG: who knew  
GC: FOR TH3 R3CORD, W3 4R3 R34LLY PL4Y1NG STR1P C4RD G4M3S.   
GC: 1 4M CURR3NTLY TOPL3SS 4ND 1 W1LL L34V3 VR1SK4’S L4CK OF CLOTH3S UP TO YOUR 1M4G1N4T1ON  
TG: why.  
TG: just why are you doing this.   
GC: FUN, DUH  
GC: 4ND 1 C4N PL4Y B3C4US3 34CH C4RD H4S 4 V3RRY SUBTL3 D1FF3R3NC3 1N HOW 1T F33LS 1N 4DD1T1ON TO TH3 F4CT 1’M OBV1OUSLY CH34T1NG  
TG: isn’t she cheating too?  
GC: TH4T’S TH3 PO1NT  
TG: alright whatever that means  
TG: gotta go deal with the lalonde/maryam crisis  
TG: have fun i think?  


turntechGodhead [TG]   ceased pestering  gallowsCalibrator [GC]

carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened a memo on board ADORABLOODTHIRSTY SQUAD: ROAD TRIP TO HELL 

CG: DINNER IS IN THE HOTEL YOU'RE ALL STAYING IN  
CG: THERE'S A RESERVATION FOR US AND IF YOU CANCEL, I'LL FORCE YOU TO WATCH A MARATHON OF THE BEST ROMANTIC COMMEDIES I CAN FIND FOR THE ENTIRE TRIP  


[CG]  closed memo

arachnidsGrip [AG]   began pestering  uranianUnbound [UU]

UU: hi  
AG: Yeeeeeeees?  
AG: You’re Calliope, right?  
UU: yUp!  
UU: kanaya told me to talk to terezi aboUt yoU  
UU: then terezi said that i shoUld jUst talk to yoU directly if yoU were Up for it  
UU: i don’t know what they meant but terezi said yoU’d know what she meant  
AG: This discussion, huh?  
AG: Well, it w8s going to happen one way or another.   
AG: Might as well dr8g Strider into it.  
UU: i’m not sUre i Understand  
UU: what do dirk, nepeta, dave, or hal have to do with anything?  
AG: Right, you know 8assically nothing a8out anything.  
AG: Easy to forget.  
AG: Just join this memo and I’ll explain it.  


arachnidsGrip [AG] invited  uranianUnbound  to memo  Emotional Trauma and Other 8ullshit

arachnidsGrip [AG]   ceased pestering  uranianUnbound [UU]

arachnidsGrip [AG]   began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]

AG: Dave, join this memo  
TG: oh hey vriska  
TG: what memo  


arachnidsGrip [AG] invited  turntechGodhead [TG]  to memo  Emotional Trauma and Other 8ullshit

TG: hell no  
TG: i told you i was done talking about that shit with you   
AG: I know  
AG: Which is why you won’t be t8lking a8out it with me, we’ll be t8lking a8out it with Calliope  
TG: shes got roxy jane and basically everyone else because they all love her   
TG: why does she need us  
AG: J8ne’s f8mily is the definition of functional and Roxy, 8lthough closer, only knows wh8t it’s like to be ignored  
AG: We 8re the only ones in this group who knows wh8t it’s like to be h8ed  
TG: shut up  
TG: you dont know what it’s like  
AG: Really?  
AG: Do you mean that?  
TG: fine no i don’t  
TG: but why can’t you help her instead of dragging me into it  
AG: I don’t know.  
AG: May8e 8ecause Roxy cares a8out her and you’re her cousin?  
AG: May8e 8ecause you’re not as sociopathic as you’re pretending to 8e  
TG: fuck off  
TG: like you’re not only doing this because terezi and kanaya teamed up on you  
AG: I’m not pretending to 8e a good person  
AG: 8ut you are even if you try to conceal it  
TG: fine  
TG: on one condition  
AG: Wh8t is it  
TG: we have a rap off later  
AG: Th8t’s a8surd 8ut okay  
AG: Anything to keep the squadron of terrifying attractive girls th8t appear to 8e magnetically attracted to protecting her from 8eating the living daylight out of me  
AG: Wh8t’s up with th8t?  
TG: bullshit  
TG: you’re not scared of any of them  
TG: you’re just pretending to be under duress because your ego demands it  
TG: we all know you’ve got a heart and it belongs to pyrope  
AG: We’re not t8lking a8out this  
TG: whatever  


arachnidsGrip [AG]   ceased pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]

arachnidsGrip [AG]   opened a memo on board  Emotional Trauma and Other 8ullshit

UU: hello!  
UU: what’s this memo for?  
AG: I’ll explain in a moment 8ut first let me drag Dave in here  
UU: oh!  
UU: it was dave yoU were referring to  
AG: Almost got him  
AG: I don’t underst8nd what Karkat sees in him, to 8e honest  
AG: Well, I don’t get wh8t he sees in Kark8t either  
AG: Apparently, they 8ecame friends 8ecause of Terezi  
AG: They really helped her out when I was away  
UU: away?  
AG: I’ll tell the whole story when Dave’s here  
AG: It overlaps a 8it and I don’t want to explain twice  
UU: no offense bUt i’m more than a little bit confUsed

turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo

TG: i’m here  
TG: lets get this stupid feelings jam over and done with  
AG: For once, I’m inclined to agree with Strider  
UU: i’m still confUsed  
AG: Let’s just say you aren’t the only person in our friend group to have a shitty f8mily life  
UU: ?  
TG: vriska slow down   
TG: start at the beginning  
AG: Alright.  
AG: How much do you know a8out how we all 8ecame friends?  
UU: well i know terezi, aradia, tavros, and yoU went to high school together  
UU: then something happened and yoU all stopped being friends  
UU: Until yoU were again  
UU: also sollUx and aradia started long distance dating  
UU: they ended Up at the same college and feferi fell for sollUx  
UU: the end resUlt of that is their cUrrent polyamoroUs relationship  
UU: i met roxy on a fan site for one of oUr favorite book series  
UU: then she introdUced me to her coUsins and her friend’s family too  
UU: karkat, sollUx, and kanaya have been friends for a while  
UU: maybe since they were babies, i’m not sure  
UU: terezi was one of the earliest fans of yoUr comics, dave, and throUgh a series of shenanigans ended Up as one of yoUr closest friends  
UU: karkat was a troll and kanaya tried to apologize for him bUt yoU foUnd him fUnny and introdUced her to rose for some reason  
UU: eventUally we all ended Up chatting in one of karkat’s absUrd memos  
UU: right?  
AG: Yeah, th8t’s the surface level of it  
AG: 8ut not all  
AG: Terezi started nagging Dave while she was in a spiral of depression after I was sent off to therapy  
TG: which you’re not going to go into detail about  
TG: that’s her story to tell  
AG: I wouldn’t  
AG: 8esides, I don’t even know too much a8out what happened  
AG: She’s tough and she doesn’t like to talk a8out the times where she wasn’t  
AG: I was in therapy 8ecause I threw Tavros off a cliff  
AG: Well, technically I “particip8ed in a disagreement in which T8vros Nitram slipped on rocks and fell off a cliff”  
AG: 8ut who am I kidding, it’s my fault he fell  
AG: He‘s a coward.  
AG: He’d never have initiated I fight if I hadn’t pushed him into it.  
TG: the fight not the air next to the cliff  
AG: Duh  
AG: Aradia and Sollux didn’t meet online  
AG: They went to a different ther8py facility than I did.  
AG: Thank goodness for small mercies, I guess.  
AG: God, meeting her there would’ve sucked major league.  
AG: My mom...  
AG: I 8lamed Aradia for my eye and my arm  
AG: It’s true, she wasn’t completely 8lameless  
AG: Without the 8eatdown she gave me as revenge, I pro8a8ly would’ve had the strength to fight Aranea off  
AG: 8ut the timing.   
AG: I didn't change anything at all. The first time I ever got up the courage to save someone and I couldn't even help her.  
AG: Aradia thought what I told her sister was me 8eing cruel and th8t's why she 8eat the shit out of me me 8ut I was 8eing honest  
AG: It was my way of trying to 8e friends again. Me risking EVERYTHING to help her.  
AG: She took th8t as my pay8ack for her telling everyone I pushed him and turning me from the most popular person in the school into a social pariah 8ut my warning was serious  
AG: It's my fault she was a target in the first place.   
AG: THAT was my revenge. Without me, Aranea wouldn't have noticed her. 8ut after nearly crippling Terezi as my pay8ack against her, I changed my mind.  
AG: Well. No.   
AG: I changed my mind after 8eing alone for weeks, watching Aranea spin her we8 of lies.   
AG: I only tried after she was too far gone.   
AG: Damnit  
AG: Dave, can you take over for a while?  
AG: I need to 8reathe  
TG: fine  
TG: you holding up okay, callie?  
UU: yeah  
UU: it’s a bit mUch to learn all at once bUt now i know, i’m wondering why i didn’t notice it before  
UU: it makes me feel sort of idiotic  
TG: nah don’t worry  
TG: terezi only told me about the whole thing because i was in the right place at the right time  
TG: i’m not sure why vriska’s telling you the full story instead of only the relevant bits  
TG: probably wants to monologue  
TG: can’t say i’m not guilty of the same  
UU: hm  
TG: btw what i’m gonna go into here is pretty intense  
TG: you sure you’re okay with talking?  
TG: if i know vriska she won’t have even paused to consider if you were up to talk about anything even remotely related to your shithead brother  
UU: i don’t know  
UU: how aboUt i tell yoU if i need a breather?  
TG: sounds good  
TG: alright  
TG: take it from the top  
TG: i got this  
TG: easy as pie  
TG: if i knew how to make pie  
UU: yoU don’t soUnd like yoU’ve got it  
TG: probably cause i don’t  
TG: but  
TG: you need to know this  
TG: hate to admit it but she was right  
TG: how much do you know about my bro?  
UU: not a lot  
UU: is he like caliborn?  
UU: I ask becaUse it doesn’t seem like there woUld be any other reasons for yoU to be a part of this discUssion  
TG: yeah  
TG: if by like caliborn you mean abusive  
TG: damnit is saying that hard  
TG: i hate it  
TG: i hate it because it makes me sound weak  
TG: he was supposed to make me strong  
TG: technically he’s not really my brother  
TG: he’s my dad but he always called me bro and that’s what he expected me to call him back unless he wanted me to call him something else  
TG: except he’d never say if he wanted me to call him something else, he expected me to know  
UU: caliborn does the same thing  
UU: one day it’s “call me sir, yoU little bitch”   
UU: then it’s “what? my name is caliborn, whore.”  
UU: damn it  
UU: damn him  
TG: yeah  
TG: what a fucking mood  
TG: i used to think the days he remembered my name were something special  
TG: something to celebrate  
TG: course then i realized him paying attention to me meant he had a higher probability of wanting a punching bag  
TG: maybe there was some part of me that was okay with getting the living daylights beat out of me because at least he knew i existed  
TG: he was always there but never for me  
AG: I’m 8ack  
AG: Feel free to t8ke a 8r8k if you need it, Dave  
TG: nah i’m good for now  
TG: i can keep going  
TG: kinda want to actually  
UU: ranting can be therapeUtic  
TG: yeah  
AG: Yeah  
TG: fuck him  
TG: FUCK HIM  
UU: fUck him!  
AG: ........  
UU: vriska?  
AG: I know I should 8e a8le to say "fuck her" without thinking a8out the things she's done. It's just an insult, right?  
AG: Just a throwaway line. 8ut it wouldn't 8e for Damara, Porrim, and the scores of people whose names I don't even know. I should know.  
AG: I should feel worse a8out Damara than I do a8out Porrim  
AG: After all, I led her to Aranea on purpose.   
AG: My attempts to make it 8etter after wards were as good as useless.   
AG: 8ut Porrim sticks with me more. May8e 8ecause I saw the affects of Aranea's actions on Kanaya directly, instead of it 8eing muddled with all my feelings a8out vengeance and Tavros.   
AG: May8e 8ecause she was the first of her victims I was in the house for or may8e 8ecause I was younger.  
AG: Pro8a8ly all of those things.  
UU: okay, who's porrim?  
AG: She's Kanaya's mom and one of Aranea's victims.  
AG: I h8 that word, you know?  
TG: i get what you mean about victim even if i'm sorta confused about the whole damara, porrim, and aranea thing. thing  
TG: its like we're powerless  
TG: like we couldn't do anything  
TG: even if we couldn't it doesn't FEEL that way  
AG: Exactly.   
UU: i  
UU: wow  
UU: i never really thoUght aboUt it that way  
TG: if there's one thing vriska's good at, it's talking  
AG: Is that an insult?  
TG: go on  
AG: Alright.  
AG: I haven't talked a8out this to anyone 8ut Terezi for a while. It's kinda cool to 8e a8le to open up to someone who gets it.  
AG: I'll continue my epic tale of suck.  
AG: So, not many people 8esides the five of us know this, but Kanaya used to live in the same town as me.  
AG: 8ut she moved after Aranea...  
AG: Look, I know you said you're okay with listening 8ut don't feel like you have to hear me out to 8e nice.  
UU: no, i'm listening.  
UU: if yoU're okay with telling me, that is.  
AG: Then... don't say I didn't warn you. AG: She raped Porrim.  
UU: oh.  
TG: you never said anything about that to me  
AG: That's true.  
TG: ok  
UU: does  
UU: does kanaya know?  
AG: I don't know. It's not like I can walk up to her and 8e like, "Hey, did your mom tell you mine repeatedly assaulted her even though she was crying and screaming out for anyone, ANYONE to help her?"  
AG: Which I know 8ecause I was there. I could've helped. I should've helped.  
AG: After she was done, Aranea threatened to do the same thing to Kanaya if she told anyone 8ut I don't know if she included Kanaya herself in that.  
AG: I could hear it all  
AG: I saw Porrim in the morning as she was trying to sn8k out of the house before Aranea came b8ck and she looked at me with her dark green eyes  
AG: I could tell she pitied me. Me.  
AG: After what happened to her, she had no reason to feel sorry for me.  
AG: She was covered in 8ruises from where Aranea had held her down  
AG: She could 8arely stand and she pitied me  
AG: It's my fault I didn't warn her.   
AG: I should've said something, anything.   
AG: Aranea's the most manipul8tive person I've ever known and th8t includes myself. She makes them feel like they're the most important person in the world and then next they know, she's locked the door 8ehind her  
AG: The walls are so thin. I'm next door and all I hear are the so8s of the mom of this girl who's pro8a8ly the nicest, most caring, and clever person I've ever met. And I'm crying too even though it's not me she's  
AG: She's  
AG: She's FUCK  
AG: She' doing that   
UU: oh my god  
TG: vriska take a breath  
TG: get terezi to help you out  
TG: calliope doesn't need to know the gory details  
UU: i'm not a child.  
UU: yoU're Underestimating how mUch i've dealt with  
AG: Shit, did your dad or Cali8orn do anything like she did to you?  
AG: Sorry for running my mouth.  
UU: no.  
UU: i mean, not that.  
UU: caliborn's a creep bUt i think he's too disgUsted by my mere existence to do more than hit me.  
UU: well some of his notes threatened that for if i ever ran away bUt it was mostly aboUt getting gamzee to do it  
UU: he's said he's stopped him from doing things like that to me, maybe to keep one final threat hanging over my shoUlder to keep me from fighting back.  
UU: bUt jUst becaUse he never toUched me beyond keeping me from rUnning when caliborn coUldn't doesn't mean he hasn't looked  
UU: he never allowed me a lock on my door and sometimes i'd wake Up in the middle of the night to find him there... watching me.   
UU: (gamzee's oUr adoptive dad and he tUrns a blind eye to anything caliborn ever does wrong)  
TG: shit  
TG: i keep forgetting about him  
TG: vriska and i are only children to terrible single parents  
TG: i can't imagine having a sibling AND a parent who hated me like bro does  
UU: well i can't imagine what vriska's life mUst've been like.  
UU: whatever he'd do and no matter how bad it go, it was always to me  
UU: i'd rather he hUrt me than anyone else  
UU: oh my.  
UU: what if they do now?  
UU: what if they find someone else to hUrt now they can't have me?  
UU: it'll be my faUlt for rUnning  
AG: Calliope, let me tell you something it took me ages to learn  
AG: It's their choice.  
AG: Theirs. Not yours. No matter what they say, there's nothing you could do to change them.  
TG: yeah  
TG: bro never went there to me even if he left porn and gross shit like that everywhere so i have no idea what you guys went through slash are going through on that level but i have to agree with the general sentiment  
TG: also terezi never said anything about kanaya or any of the specifics  
TG: does she know?  
AG: Yeah  
AG: She knew most of it 8ut it wasn't until after i returned from therapy did i explain the rest of the specifics, consequences 8e damned  
UU: how did yoU move on?  
AG: Who said I have?  
AG: Hah.  
AG: Don't look to me for healthy coping mechanisms.  
AG: I'm not sure where she is now. May8e Damara killed her. God, I hope she did.  
AG: I didn't look.  
AG: After coming home, I stayed with Terezi and her mom as I applied for college. Went to a shit ton of ther8py and was medicated halfway to hell.  
AG: Terezi's mom REALLY wanted to have Aranea tracked down and arrested.  
AG: She's a lawyer and a good one 8ut I couldn't go through with it. There's no way in hell she wouldn't drag out a long trial using every trick in the 8ook to make us pay.  
TG: rose kidnapped me  
TG: literally she staged a kidnapping  
TG: didn't need to bother, to be honest  
AG: Wow. You've got one extra cousin.  
TG: don't i know it  
TG: sigh this is such bullshit  
TG: trauma  
TG: abuse  
TG: you know  
AG: Ugh.  
AG: Do I know.  
AG: Why did I tell you guys a8out all that again?  
TG: something about a pack of terrifying sapphic teenagers dedicated to protecting calliope threatening to take your other arm and eye  
UU: a what now?  
AG: Nothing.  
AG: He's exaggerating again  
TG: plot twist?  
TG: nah this is just me doing my thing   
UU: anyway... yoU two are only friends via terezi?  
UU: yoU seem like yoU're pretty similar to each other  
TG: probably why we don't get along  
AG: Seriously, I wasn't kidding a8out the mo8 of girls on your side.  
AG: What's your secret?  
UU: well, aren't secrets what we're here to discUss?  
UU: i'm not qUite sUre what yoU're talking aboUt with the "pack of terrifying sapphic teenagers"   
UU: none of my friends are terrifying at all althoUgh i am relatively certain the majority of them coUld be considered sapphic  
AG: Trust me, you have no idea how scary they can 8e.  
AG: Honestly, if your 8ro does go looking for you then he should hope he doesn't find us 8ecause he won't make it out alive.   
AG: Or, at the very least, with every lim8 intact.  
UU: oh  
UU: thanks, i think.   
AG: No pro8lem. Anyway, your 8odyguard army aside, we should return to the point  
AG: Dave, do you want to share for a while?  
AG: We haven't really 8een letting you speak.  
TG: i dunno  
TG: maybe tomorrow?  
TG: i'm not really feeling up to it now after listening to all that  
AG: Right, my chronic oversharing issue.   
UU: sorry aboUt that, dave   
UU:: i had no intentions of monopolizing the conversation!  
TG: nah its cool  
TG: nice to sit back and listen to other peoples emotional trauma for a while  
TG: helps remind me i ain't alone  
AG: Argh, this is such cheesy 8ullshit  


AG closed memo

arachnidsGrip [AG] began pestering uranianUnbound [UU]

gallowsCalibrator [GC] began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG]

GC: TH3Y'R3 PL4Y1NG CH3SS OLD F4SH1ON3D STYL3  
GC: GOD TH1S SC3N3 1S MOR3 CH4RG3D W1TH S3XU4L T3NS1ON TH3N MOST H3T3ROS3XU4L M4K3OUT S3SS1ONS 1'V3 OBS3RV3D 4ND 1'VE S33N 4 LOT OF TH3M.  
GC: 1F D4V3K4T W4SN'T FUNN13R TO M3 ON 4 P3RSON4L L3V3L, 1'D JUST B4RG3 1N TH3R3 4ND B4NG TH31R H34DS TOG3TH3R UNT1L TH3Y 4DM1T TH3Y H4V3 F33L1NGS FOR 34CH OTH3R  
GC: N3RDS.   
GC: H3R3  


gallowsCalibrator [GC] sent arachnidsGrip [AG]  the file "OP3R8T1OND4V3K4TON3.txt" 

gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG]

arachnidsGrip [AG] began pestering uranianUnbound [AG]

AG: Calliope, Terezi and I h8ve devised a plan to get Dave and Kark8t together by the end of the trip.  
AG: Well, she devised it and I trimmed it down from several hundred steps to around twenty.  
AG: She’s also working on one for Rose and Kanaya now 8ut we’re implementing step one for Oper8ion Davekat  
AG: Pro8lem is, it requires someone they’ll trust not to 8e up to no good and when you look up “suspicious,” the two of us are the first result.  
AG: So, she’s typed up a script for you to follow. She’s analyzed your typing style so don’t modify it too much.

arachnidsGrip [AG] sent uranianUnbound [UU]  the file "OP3R8T1OND4V3K4TON3.txt" 

UU: ooh this soUnds fUn!  
UU: i’m in for some almost certainly harmless matchmaking  
UU: one qUestion: are rose and kanaya really playing chess?  
AG: Yeah, she snuck down to their room to check.  
UU: Um  
UU: i’m not precisely an expert bUt couldn’t yoU have asked what they were Up to?  
AG: That would’ve worked 8ut what if they were in the middle of a passion8 makeout session?  
AG: I’d h8 to 8e made a liar  
UU: so the more moral alternative to being a liar is potentially having terezi spy on them in the middle of a “passion8 makeout session”  
AG: Yup  
UU: yoUr morality confUses me  
AG: That’s okay, I’m used to th8t reaction.  
UU: where’s terezi now? hopefUlly not spying on the three of Us!  
AG: Not yet. 8y the way, m8ke sure to tell Roxy and Jane aboUt this. We don’t want them ruining your alibi.  
UU: alright...  
UU: here I go  
UU: initi8ing step one  
UU: (hehehe)

arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased pestering uranianUnbound [AG]

uranianUnchained [UU] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

UU: hey Karkat!  
UU: dave needs yoUr help with a sitUation in his room bUt he’s kind of preoccUpied with it to be able to ask yoU directly  
UU: mind helping him oUt?  
UU: roxy, jane, and i are in the middle of an intense round of BS  
UU: if any of Us go to help him oUt then the others will certainly cheat and examine her cards while she is away.  
UU: while rose is cUrrently playing chess with Kanaya in their room and i am certain the same issUe would occUr on that end  
UU: so yoU’re the only free person who has a key to his room  
CG: WHAT SITUATION  
UU: he didn’t specify bUt it soUnded pretty Urgent  
UU: wait one moment, i am checking the pesterlogs  
UU: apparently the issue inclUded a large amoUnt of shitty rom coms?  
CG: FINE BUT YOU OWE ME ONE, CALLIOPE  
UU: one what?  
CG: IT WAS A FUCKING FIGURE OF SPEECH  
CG: I’M ON MY WAY  
UU: thank yoU so mUch!  


uranianUnchained [UU] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

uraniunUnchained [UU] began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] UU: victory achieved!  
UU: how can we gUrantee a sitUation to do with romcoms will, in fact, be present when he arrives?  
AG: Send Dave this one.  


arachnidsGrip [AG] sent uranianUnbound [UU]  the file "OP3R8T1OND4V3K4TTWO.txt”

UU: old minecraft channel?  
AG: Yeah, it’s hilariously em8arrassing and he doesn’t know Terezi and I know a8out it, hence why it serves as effective 88.  
UU: eighty eight?  
AG: Bait.  
UU: oh.  
UU: why do yoU type like that anyway?  
AG: Why do you? What with the u’s?  
UU: hm.  
UU: i guess becaUse it’s kind of fUn and i like the letter U  
UU: caliborn stole my idea immediately after becaUse of coUrse he did bUt it kind of makes me proUd he considered an idea of mine good enoUgh to steal  
AG: Eh, I do it cause I like spiders and things that come in 8s. Not very deep.  
UU: it doesn't have to be!  
UU: anyway i'm sending step two now  


uranianUnchained [UU] ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG]

uranianUnchained [UU] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

UU: dave, karkat is on his way to yoUr room to deal with a pressing sitUation involving rom coms.   
UU: if there isn’t one when he gets there then roxy has threatened to pUt the link to yoUr old yoUtube channel in the main memo board  
UU: good lUck!  


uranianUnchained [UU] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

gallowsCalibrator [GC] began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG]

CG: V1CTORY 4CH13V3D  
CG: D4V3 H4S COM3 UP W1TH 4 S4T1SF4CTORY JUST1F1C4T1ON FOR TH3 3M3RG3NCY T3XT 4ND TH3Y 4R3 NOW W4TCH1NG OLD ROM COMS TOG3TH3R  
AG: Yessssssss!!!!!!!!  


gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG]

arachnidsGrip [AG]   began pestering  uranianUnbound [UU]

AG: Success!!!!!!!!  
UU: yay!  
UU: do yoU and terezi want to come over? we were aboUt to start playing bs for real and it's more fUn with more players, apparently.  
AG: Alright, 8ut we cheat  
UU: isn't the point of the game to cheat?  
AG: :::;)  


arachnidsGrip [AG]   ceased pestering  uranianUnbound [UU]

arachnidsGrip [AG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC]

AG: We've 8een invited to a round of almost certainly non-strip 8S with the Calliope Cotton Candy Sandwich. Wanna play?  
GC: YOU KNOW 1 DO.  
GC: TH3Y F1N3 W1TH YOUR M4N1PUL4T1V3 SH3N4N1G4NS?  
AG: H8h, we 8oth know you're the 8etter manipulator out of the two of us.  


arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> current timeline for the scourge-charge feud (continued tw from the beginning)  
> \- Aranea is abusive parent and a serial rapist  
> \- Porrim and Kanaya move to the town most of Team Charge/Scourge live in  
> \- Aranea assaults Porrim  
> \- Porrim and Kanaya move out  
> \- When they're all thirteen, a mysterious fight happens between Tavros and Vriska near a cliff that he falls off of and is paralyzed from the waist down  
> \- Aradia spreads rumors that Vriska pushed her  
> \- Vriska nearly maims Terezi and points out Damara as a good target to Aranea  
> \- Vriska regrets it and tries to warn the Megidos  
> \- Aradia tihinks its her idea of revenge so beats the living daylights out of her  
> \- Aranea finds out she tried to warn Damara as she comes home and continues what Aradia started to the point where she loses her arm and an eye  
> \- Vriska blames Aradia for all of it  
> \- Aradia is sent to therapy, where she meets Sollux  
> \- Aranea assaults Damara anyway, the warning having had no affect.  
> \- Vriska has a mental breakdown and is also sent to therapy.  
> \- Terezi has a mental breakdown but manages it by herself with the help of Dave and Karkat  
> \- Vriska returns and moves in with Terezi, after sleeping with her. Latula takes her in. Aranea is missing.  
> More will be revealed in due time.


	6. the amount of laws these two have 8roken is probably over nine thousand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> day 2: am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hal's pesterchum handle is inspired by @turing-tested on tumblr, so check him out!

caligulasAquarium [CA]  began pestering carcinoGeneticist  [CG]

CA: wwhere are you  
CA: are you stayin wwith one of the vvisitors  
CA: kar it's gettin late  
CA: im assumin you're sleeping ovver  
CA: but tell me next time okay  
CA: actually tell me now  
CA: wwhere the actual fuck are you  
CA: god fuckin damnit kar  
CA: i'm trying not to spam you but this is gettin absurd  
CA: its ten and i want to go to sleep but no my roommate is missing in action  
CA: damnit  
CA: kar  
CA: kar  
CA: kar  
CA: kar  
CA: kar  
CA: kar  
CA: kar  
CA: kar  
CA: kar  
CA: kar  
CA: kar  
CA: karrrrr  
CA: kar  
CA: kar  
CA: kar  
CA: kar  
CA: kar  
CA: kar  
CA: kar write back  
CA: kar  
CA: karrr  
CA: kar  
CA: kar  
CA: kar  
CA: kar  
CA: kar  
CA: kar  
CA: karkat  
CA: see i typed out your wwhole stupid name does that make you feel better  
CA: enough to wwrite back?  
CA: of course not  
CA: wwhy wwould you  
CA: prick  
CA: are you asleep  
CA: right  
CA: of course you wwouldnt answwer that  
CA: thats a stupid question  
CA: wwell you are bein stupid by not writin back so you deservve stupid questions  
CA: im just gonna go to bed wwithout you  
CA: you can trip all over the minefield of our room wwhen you come back  
CA: dont even think about wwaking me up  
CA: damnit  
CA: still no response?  
CA: wwhatever  
CA: im goin  
CA: right now  
CA: just goin  
CA: dont care about you  
CA: or any of your stupid antics wwith your stupid friends  
CA: not like you even bothered to ask if i wwas fine wwith you guys mobbin MY room for wweeks  
CA: wwhich i am because im such a good roomie  
CA: im practically the best fuckin roomie a guy could have and you are just shittin all over me right now  
CA: are you there  
CA: fine  
CA: i am GONE  
CA: geniunely  
CA: in fivve  
CA: four  
CA: wwrite back please just tell me wwhere you are  
CA: you didnt get stabbed or anythin right  
CA: right  
CA: oh wwhatever  
CA: FINE  
CA: so fuckin done  
CA: its not like its wway too late at night for this  
CA: wwrite back maybe?  
CA: youre such a prick  
CA: ugh  
CA: im tired  
CA: if you arent back wwhen i get up then you are in some deep shit  
CA: DEEP shit  
CA: like fifty leagues under the sea sort of deep shit  
CA: wwhere the fuck did you go anywway  
CA: come on  
CA: kar  
CA: kar  
CA: kar  
CA: kar  
CA: kar  
CA: kar  
CA: kar  
CA: kar  
CA: kar  
CA: kar are you there yet  
CA: riutarprtjap;tjraitjjra  
CA: ejptaeji  
CA: WUEAREIJG  
CA: uepatuatipetuapeuaoteoeutoanotaptipnptaetettttttttt  


caligulasAquarium [CA]  is an idle chum. 

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

TG: youre behind this arent you  
TG: youve got to be  
TG: only two other people in this hotel are this manipulative and as far as i know they have no inclination to play crazy cupid  
TG: and the only place she couldve gotten the link to those videos is from you  
TG: she even mentioned she did  
TG: and youre smart enough to pull it off  
TG: so yeah  
TG: it was you  
TG: miss lalonde what do you have to say in your defense  
TG: lmao  
TG: behind what  
TG: you know what im talking about  
TG: hm  
TG: wrackin my brain  
TG: nope!  
TG: no clue ;)  
TG: wonk  
TG: i know youre behind the fact karkat vantas is *currently sleeping in my bed*  
TG: hes what now!!?  
TG: holy shit  
TG: the holiest of shits  
TG: the shit is practically gettin worshipped all up in here that is SO ADORABLES  
TG: i KNEW she was up to something but i cant believe it actually worked   
TG: whomst  
TG: uh who do u think cuz  
TG: uh  
TG: rose?  
TG: shes behind this what with all of her scheming isnt she  
TG: nah roses 2 busy trying not 2 accidentally reveal shes tots mad 4 kanaya 2 b behind such WICKED CUTE shenaniganings  
TG: god uve got 2 send a pic  
TG: pic! pic!  
TG: seriously who   
TG: kanaya isnt crazy like you all  
TG: the rest of the gang are only tangentially connected to us  
TG: so whom  
TG: whomstvead?  
TG: yeah sure  
TG: i dunno  
TG: maybe u shld send me a pic of cute sleepy karkat & ill tell u  
TG: damnit  
TG: this is blackmail  
TG: or extortion or some shit like that  
TG: im calling the cops  
TG: come on!!  
TG: does he snore?  
TG: i bet he sleep swears  
TG: hes gotta   
TG: omG  
TG: pics! i want them!  
TG: ugh   
TG: fine but on one condition   
TG: yeeees?  
TG: only if you say who's behind this  
TG: alright pics first  
TG: god im so going to regret this   


turntechGodhead [TG]  sent tipsyGnostalgic  [TG] the file "dontyoudaresharethiswithanyone.png" 

TG: alright  
TG: ur evilmastermind is one callie!  
TG: wait-- what?  


tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  ceased pestering turntechGodhead  [TG]

uranianUnbound [UU]  began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG]

UU: vriska, i hope this doesn't come off as a rUde or even offensive qUestion bUt  
UU: Uh, i was sort of wondering  
UU: did yoU drUg karkat?  
AG: Nah.  
UU: thank goodness  
AG: Terezi did that.  
UU: ...  
UU: yoU are joking, are yoU not  
UU: that coUld not possibly be a serioUs statement  
AG: Nope.  
AG: Nothing dangerous. 8arely even counts as a "drug" really.  
AG: Mighta made him a 8iiiiiiiit sleepy 8ut it 8arely has any negative side affects  
AG: He'll 8e fine.  
UU: i feel like i shoUld reiterate the fact that yoUr morality pUzzles me immensely  
AG: Do I need to get someone else to help or?  
UU: no, no!  
UU: i'm in, bUt let's try to keep the lawbreaking to a minimUm, okay?  
AG: Hm  
UU: wait, isn't terezi a law stUdent?  
UU: why is she involved in all of these almost certainly illegal shenanigans?  
AG: Gotta know how to 8r8k the law in order to find real 8ad guys.  
AG: And also, it's fun.  
AG: Isn't it?  
UU: well.  
UU: Um  
UU: i am not going to answer that qUestion  
AG: I knew it.  


uranianUnbound [UU]  ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG]

 carcinoGeneticist [CG]  began pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]

CG: ERIDAN  
CG: HOLY FUCK  
CG: I WAS CHECKING IN ON DAVE AND ENDED UP WATCHING SOME MOVIES UNTIL I FELL ASLEEP  
CG: YOU DO NOT AND I REPEAT  
CG: NEED TO SEND ME HALF A FUCKING MILLION TEXTS DEMANDING TO KNOW WHERE I AM  
CG: IT’S NOT LIKE YOU’RE MY FREAKING BABYSITTER  
CG: WHOOP DE FUCKING DO, KARKAT VANTAS IS AN ADULT WHO CAN GOOF OFF WITH HIS FRIENDS LATE AT NIGHT, WHAT A FUCKING UNSURPRISING AS HELL PLOT TWIST WHICH EVERYONE BUT YOU SAW COMING, DUMBASS  
CG: UGH  
CG: THAT BEING SAID, I’M STILL SORT OF SURPRISED AND MORE THAN A LITTLE IMPRESSED BY HOW LONG YOU SPENT PESTERING MY OBVIOUSLY OFF AND SLASH OR OUT OF BATTERIES PHONE  
CG: MAN, YOU NEED A HOBBY OUTSIDE OF BEING CLINGY AS ALL HELL.  
CG: WHY DON’T YOU TRY TO GET TO KNOW SOME OF MY QUOTE END QUOTE FRIENDS? FEFERI AND JADE ARE ALSO STUDYING MARINE BIOLOGY SO YOU SHOULD GT ALONG FINE.  
CG: JUST... PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS FUCKING HOLY, KEEP THE EMBARRASSINGLY SHITTY ATTEMPTS AT WHAT MIGHT BE SOME PRIMITIVE FORM OF FLIRTATION TO A MINIMUM  
CG: DUMBASS  
CG: BY THE WAY, I’M GOING WITH DAVE TO THAT WAFFLES PLACE AROUND THE CORNER FROM THE HOTEL  
CG: I DOUBT YOU’D WANT TO COME BUT YOU KNOW, THAT’S WHERE I’LL BE IF YOU FEEL THE URGE TO BARGE IN ON YET ANOTHER PRIVATE CONVERSATION WITH YOUR BORDERLINE STALKER ATTITUDE.  


carcinoGeneticist [CG]  ceased pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]

apocalypseArisen  [AA]  began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

AA: hello!  
TG: heya  
TG: whats up RADia  
AA: hehehe!  
AA: youve sure got some mOXY  
TG: eyyyyy  
TG: seriously tho whadup  
TG: callie jane & i r trying 2 decide what 2 do w/ these totally adorable pictures i extorted out of dave  
AA: golly!  
TG: ooooh no no no  
TG: not like that heh  
TG: fully clothed  
TG: apparently karkat & him slept 2gether last night  
AA: wait they did what now?  
TG: whoopsies  
TG: i meant in the same bed not like that  
TG: as my impertinent sister might say freud is rolling in his dick filled grave  
AA: cool! AA: send me the pictures! TG: i shldnt b doing this lmao but u know TG: lol  


tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  sent apocalypseArisen  [AA] the file "dontyoudaresharethiswithanyone.png" 

AA: hmmm  
AA: those really are super cute!!  
TG: yeah clothes on & all they really did just watch movies  
AA: how did this super cute picture come to be  
TG: im not completely sure but as far as i know callie is the ring leader of a conspiracy 2 get them 2gether b4 the end of 8r8k  
TG: i mean break  
TG: serketisms are contagious as all fuck  
AA: oh boy do i know!  
AA: you’ve never had to go to school with her and as someone “lucky” enough to enjoy that “privilege”...  
AA: let’s just say she’s a very decisive person  
AA: and the version of her you know is relatively tame in comparison to the queen of edginess herself thirteen year old vriska  
AA: hehe  
TG: oh jegus i dont even want 2 know  
AA: she’s a character that’s for sure  
AA: anyway i did have a point in messaging you besides reminiscing over the force of nature known only as vriska serket  
TG: hmm?  
AA: do you have a plan for breakfast yet?  
TG: nah y  
TG: janys still asleep  
AA: i was thinking you might want to eat with sollux feferi and i at this cute cafe around the corner!!  
AA: as the only other poly trio here we figured we should have a double date sometime  
TG: wait what  
TG: date?  
TG: hahaha no were not together  
TG: did callie or Jane say something  
TG: dont tell me they  
TG: wait do they feel that way  
TG: shiiit  
TG: could u tell  
AA: uh  
AA: oh  
AA: i kind of assumed a bit  
AA: do you WANT that sort of relationship with either of them? with both?  
TG: i dunno  
TG: no  
TG: i mean i  
TG: i like boys  
AA: how is that relevant?  
AA: are you saying you are straight?  
TG: uh  
TG: i mean i guess  
TG: i like some guys  
TG: johns pretty silly and single  
AA: you know john is aro ace right  
TG: oh ok  
TG: well  
TG: i think harry potter is neat  
AA: a fictional character  
TG: i dunno? were friends cal jane & i  
TG: even if i could feel that way about them then its not like it matters  
TG: theyd never feel that way 4 me  
AA: roxy i think you are selling yourself short!  
AA: you are really nice and kind! im sure a ton of people of any gender are interested in you  
TG: thx  
TG: ur real nice  
AA: i try! 0u0  
TG: how did u realize sollux liked u?  
TG: i know most of the story bhind fef & u 2 but not the og sollux x aradia story  
AA: well i punched his roommate  
TG: wat  
AA: then we started trading books for a while and i guess things just sort of went from there  
TG: wait @ college?  
TG: i thought u knew each other b4 that  
AA: oh no we met at a therapy facility  
AA: i thought vriska told you about all that  
TG: no  
TG: callie said theyd texted about serious stuff but i didnt ask 4 details  
AA: ah  
AA: yeah she wouldnt  
AA: that girl is really sweet  
AA: keep her close  
TG: thx  
TG: thats super nice of u  
TG: btw i asked & callie says shell come  
TG: shes super excited apparently her shitty bro & clown dad never fed her properly  
AA: fuck him!  
TG: what a fuckin mood  
TG: talk 2 u again soon  
TG: we need to wake jany  
AA: how about we meet you in the lobby at ten?  
TG: alright that shld b enough time  


apocalypseArisen  [AA]  ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

tipsyGnostalgic  [TG]  began pestering tiaemusTestified [TT]

TG: dirk how could u tell u were gay  
TT: Huh?  
TT: What sort of question is that?  
TG: a serious 1  
TT: Well, okay.   
TT: Probably when I was twelve.   
TT: One of the people I hung out with-- I hate to call them friends because we didn't really know each other well enough for that-- got a girlfriend. TT: I thought I was jealous of him for awhile. But that didn't make sense because I couldn't stand his girlfriend.  
TT: Then I asked out a girl myself. She said yes but I never showed up to the date and ignored her for the rest of the year.  
TT: Me and the group I hung out with went swimming a few days after and I must've bene staring at their exposed chests because one asked if I was gay in the immature way Texan middle schoolers do.So I asked what it meant.   
TT: The rest is history.  
TG: oh  
TG: huh  
TT: Why are you asking?  
TG: no reason  
TG: curious  
TT: It's not the same for everyone.  
TT: You were there for the Great Sapphic Realization Of Two Thousand And Sixteen  
TG: god yees  
TG: that was... interesting  
TT: I wouldn't know.  
TT: I'm going for breakfast now so I can't talk for long.   
TG: w/ any1?  
TT: Nah. Too hungry to talk to anyone offline.  
TG: cool  
TG: were going 2 meetup w/ aradia sollux & feferi  
TT: Have fun.

  


tipsyGnostalgic  [TG]  ceased pestering tiaemusTestified [TT]

grimAuxilitrax  [GA]  began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

GA: I Have Gone Running  
GA: I Will Probably Be Back Before You Wake Up But If Not Please Do Not Be Concerned  
GA: I Would Like To Eat Breakfast With You But If You Get Up Before I Have Returned And Decide Not To Wait Then Feel Free To Eat Without Me  
TT: I'm up and inclined to wait for you.  
TT: Have fun.

grimAuxilitrax  [GA]  ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

arsenicCatnip  [AC]  began pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

AC: :33 < hey jade!   
GG: yes?  
GG: i was about to go eat  
AC: :33< mew too  
AC: :33< do mew go eat togethfur? equius is at the gym again  
GG: jeez does that boy ever do anything BUT work out  
AC: :33< he eats too!  
GG: hehe  
GG: meet you by the elevators?   
AC: :33< sounds good!   
AC: :33< where do mew wanna eat at?  
GG: i'm not sure... how about we walk around the neighborhood for a while?  
AC: :33< good idea! i am on mew way!  


arsenicCatnip  [AC]  ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

arsenicCatnip  [AC]  began pestering centaursTesticle [CT]

AC: :33< jade and i are going out to eat so mew'll have to hang out with mewster halexander by your sweaty  
CT: D--> Alright but make sure to be careful  
CT: D--> There are many ruffians around these parts  
CT: D--> Wait how did you know I would be hanging out with Hal  
AC: :33< no offense mewster but its mewore than a little bit obvious!  
AC: :33< also i overheard mew talking on the phone last night  
AC: :33< you sure are one LOUD guy!!  
CT: D--> Oh  
CT: D--> Of course. That was e%actly intentional.  
CT: D--> Congratulations for passing the test.  
AC: :33< okay silly!  
CT: D--> I am NOT silly.  
CT: D--> You are e%tremely silly  
AC: :33< maybe we are both silly!  
CT: D--> Shush.  
CT: D--> I am a mature and responsible college student.  
CT: D--> Hal and I are only meeting to discuss our projects.

arsenicCatnip  [AC]  ceased pestering centaursTesticle [CT]

turingTested  [TT]  began pestering centaursTesticle [CT]

TT: Where are you?   
CT: I am working out.   
CT: What would you e%pect me to be doing?   
TT: Eating breakfast like most everyone else is doing.   
CT: I ate.   
CT: Earlier.   
TT: When did you even wake up?   
CT: Earlier.   
TT: Of course you did.   
TT: I meant what time.   
CT: Appro%imately si% in the morning.   
TT: It seems that you’re the only one making even a semblance of an attempt to stay on schedule over the vacation.   
CT: Are you saying you are not?   
TT: I am.   
TT: I’ve been up since five.   
CT: Well tomorrow I plan to wake up at four thirty.   
TT: It seems you're trying to make this into a competition. Are you trying to make this into a competition?   
CT: Yes.   
CT: If you would prefer for it not to be, I can wake at si%   
TT: I don't really care.   
TT: You can wake whenever you want to. I'm going to keep working on my school assignments.   
CT: You are studying robotics t00, are you not?   
TT: There is a one hundred percent chance that is an accurate statement, which you already knew.   
CT: Yes, I did know that.   
TT: Do you have a lot of work for over the break?  
CT: Yes. I intend to complete my assignments once I finish my morning work out.   
TT: Will you be open to the possibility of working together? Although I do not need it, companionship would be enjoyable.   
CT: Are you asking me to spend time with you?   
TT: It seems so.   
CT: I accept. I will be in your room in a half hour. Is this acceptable?   
TT: Yes.   


turingTested  [TT]  ceased pestering centaursTesticle [CT]

ectoBiologist  [EB]  began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

EB: hey rose!  
TT: Yes, John?  
EB: what’s up?   
TT: Not much. Kanaya is changing and I am waiting for her so we can leave.  
EB: hmmm  
EB: leave to do what?  
TT: A thing.  
EB: is this thing a date?!  
TT: With almost one hundred percent certainty, no.  
TT: She and I are going to a book store.  
TT: Besides, we’re just friends and if there were any such feelings on my end, which there are certainly none, she would likely not reciprocate them.  
TT: More than a few people seem to be suffering from the delusion there is anything there besides a strong friendship forged through similar interests and a passion for increasingly convoluted sarcastic exchanges laced with the occasional ironic solicitation.  
EB: yeah suuuuure... everyone with eyes can see you’re mad into each other  
EB: well except for terezi and vriska who have one eye between the two of them like the grey sisters from the percy jackson movie  
EB: man that was so cool  
TT: If you were anyone else, I would say your passion for those two train wrecks was intended to bother me; your continued willing ignorance about both the books and actual myths which inspired them is only an act to slowly drive me mad.  
TT: However, it is you and there is no trace of irony or sarcasm behind your proclamations. I honestly have no idea how you function, John.  
EB: hehehehehehehehehe   
EB: have fun on your date rose!  
EB: im gonna go watch a movie with jake later because at least he has good taste  
TT: He quite literally thinks every movie he watches is a masterpiece  
TT: Including Weekends At Bernie’s.  
EB: stop being such a goth hipster all the time rose!!  


ectoBiologist  [EB]  ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

gallowsCallibrator  [GC]  began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG]

GC: K4RK4T 4ND D4V3 4R3 GO1NG TO 4N OLD F4SH1ON3D 4RC4D3   
GC: W4NN4 “JUST SO CO1NC1D3NT4LLY” SHOW UP TH3R3 4ND SPY ON TH3M?  
AG: Hmmmmmmmm  
AG: Rose and K8naya are going to a 8ook store together. Calliope and J8ne are going shopping for clothes.  
AG: Which one do you think would 8e funnier?  
GC: 1T’S H4RD TO T3LL B3C4US3 TH3Y 4R3 4LL SO 4DOR4BL3 BUT TH3 4RC4D3 1S N3XT TO 4 COM1C BOOK STOR3 SO W3 COULD STOP BY TH31R 4FT3R W3’R3 DON3 SPY1NG  
AG: Oooooooh!!!!!!!!  
AG: You should’ve said th8t first cause now we H8VE to go there   
GC: 1 KNOW ;]  


gallowsCallibrator  [GC]  ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG]


	7. who's this andrew hussie dude anyway?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda shorter chapter. These were originally gonna be part of the last one but I split them. No new trigger warnings, but some more stalking and increasing innapropriate language.

undyingUmbrage2 [UU] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic[TG] [TG]

UU: HEY YOu STuPID uGLY BITCH WHERES MY DuMBASS uGLY BITCH OF A TWIN SISTER AND WHERE ARE YOu HIDING HER  


tipsyGnostalgic [TG] blocked undyingUmbrage2 [UU]

undyingUmbrage3 [UU] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic[TG]

UU: HEY YOu FuCKING PIECE OF GARBAGE WHERE THE FuCK IS MY FuCKING COWARD OF A TWIN AND WHERE ARE YOu HIDING HER  


tipsyGnostalgic [TG] blocked undyingUmbrage3 [UU]

undyingUmbrage4 [UU] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic[TG]

UU: HEY BITCH WHERE IS SHE  


tipsyGnostalgic [TG] blocked undyingUmbrage4 [UU]

undyingUmbrage5 [UU] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic[TG]

UU: WHERE FUCKING IS SHE  


tipsyGnostalgic [TG] blocked undyingUmbrage5 [UU]

undyingUmbrage6[UU] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

UU: STOP BLOCKING ALL THESE ACCOuNTS OR ILL RuN OUT OF EMAILS TO LINK THEM TO DuMBASS  


tipsyGnostalgic [TG] blocked undyingUmbrage6 [UU]

undyingUmbrage2 [UU] began pestering gutsyGumshoe[GG]

UU: FuCKING FAT ASS LOSER TELL ME WHERE SHE IS  


gutsyGumshoe [GG] blocked undyingUmbrage2 [UU]

undyingUmbrage3 [UU] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

UU: HEY FuCKING BITCH TELL ME WHERE MY TWIN BITCH IS  


gutsyGumshoe [GG] blocked undyingUmbrage3 [UU]

undyingUmbrage4 [UU] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

UU: YOu CANT KEEP BLOCK ME FOREVER YOu KNOW  


gutsyGumshoe [GG] blocked undyingUmbrage4 [UU]

undyingUmbrage5 [UU] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

UU: FIGHT ME IRL YOu PuSSY  


gutsyGumshoe [GG] blocked undyingUmbrage5 [UU]

undyingUmbrage6 [UU] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

UU: COWARDLY BITCH WONT EVEN REPLY TO ME  


gutsyGumshoe [GG] blocked undyingUmbrage6 [UU]

undyingUmbrage2 [UU] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

UU: HEY DUMBASS ROXY BITCH’S DuMBASS BITCH SISTER WHERE IS MY DuMBASS BITCH SISTER  


tentacleTherapist [TT] blocked undyingUmbrage2 [UU]

undyingUmbrage3 [UU] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

UU: IM TALKING TO YOu BITCH  


tentacleTherapist [TT] blocked undyingUmbrage3 [UU]

undyingUmbrage4 [UU] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

UU: uGH WHY DO ALL OF YOu KEEP BLOCKING ME WITHOuT EVEN REPLYING 

tentacleTherapist [TT] blocked undyingUmbrage4 [UU]

undyingUmbrage5 [UU] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

UU: FuCKING HELL I HATE YOu TOO STuPID STuCK uP BITCH  


tentacleTherapist [TT] blocked undyingUmbrage5 [UU]

undyingUmbrage6 [UU] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

UU: AGH I HATE YOu SO MuCH  


tentacleTherapist [TT] blocked undyingUmbrage6 [UU]

undyingUmbrage326 [UU] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

UU: MAGIC ISN’T FuCKING REAL YOu MORON  


tentacleTherapist [TT] blocked undyingUmbrage326 [UU]

undyingUmbrage326[UU] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic[TG]

UU: uGH WHICH ONE OF YOuR STuPID FRIENDS TOOK uP SO MANY VARIATIONS ON MY PESTERCHuM  


tipsyGnostalgic [TG] blocked undyingUmbrage326 [UU]

undyingUmbrage823 [UU] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic[TG]

UU: DAMNT SERIOuSLY HOW ARE YOu DOING THIS SO QuICKLY WITHOuT THEM FLAGGING YOu FOR SPAM?   


tipsyGnostalgic [TG] blocked undyingUmbrage823 [UU]

undyingUmbrage1111[UU] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic[TG]

UU: THIS ISNT FAIR YOu KNOW  


tipsyGnostalgic [TG] blocked undyingUmbrage1111 [UU]

undyingUmbrage6661 [UU] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic[TG]

UU: I AM BEING uNFAIRLY TARGETED BY CRuEL BuLLIES WHO ARE IGNORING MY CLEAR DEMANDS OF HELP! I HAVE JuST TRAGICALLY LOST MY SISTER AND NOW I AM ALL BY MYSELF WITH DAD. SOMEONE IS MAKING FuN OF ME ON MY DEVIANTART ACCOuNT AND I CANT EVEN BEAT HER uP TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. HOW CAN YOu ACT LIKE YOuRE SuCH GOOD PEOPLE WHEN I KNOW THE FuCKING TRuTH. THE TRuTH IS THAT YOu ARE FuCKING EVIL BITCHES WHO ARE CONSPIRING WITH THE TROLL WHO GOES BY ANDREWHuSSIE. I BET YOu AND THIS EVIL TROLL ANDREW HuSSIE ARE FuCKING. THAT MuST BE IT! IN EXCHANGE FOR RuINNING MY LIFE.  


tipsyGnostalgic [TG] blocked undyingUmbrage6661 [UU]

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

TG: oh my gosh  
TG: jane oh my gosh uve got 2 c this  
GG: See what?  
TG: so ive been registering a fuck ton of alternate names 4 caliborn in hopes of getting him 2 stop trying & hes getting super pissed  
TG: like suuuuper dupper pissed  
TG: hes claiming im having sex w/ some dude whos hassling him on his deviantart account  
GG: He has a deviant art?  
TG: i didnt even know he HAD a deviantart either lmaooooo  
TG: in exchange 4 RUINING HIS LIFE bc he tragically  
TG: TRGICALLY rofl lost his sister  
TG: wait make sure u dont tell callie shell only get upset  
GG: Wow.  
GG: Really?  
TG: i can send pics if u want  
GG: No, don’t.  
GG: I believe you, even if I wish I didn’t. He only sent me six with his new accounts so far.  
TG: hows callie  
GG: Better, I think. She says hi.  
GG: Want anything while we’re out?  
TG: im good  
TG: i went shopping 4 myself b4 we left  
TG: u get anything cute 4 urself?  
GG: No, although I will not hesitate to try on anything I spot!  
GG: Calliope looks very adorable, in case you were wondering.  
TG: i cant wait 2 c u 2  
TG: want 2 meet up 4 lunch or not  
TG: im sort of in the middle of something but i could take a “8r8k”  
GG: Hoo hoo hoo.  
GG: I think it might be a bit tricky to coordinate another meet up. After all, it’d be ideal to heft around these bags for as short a time as possible.  
TG: that makes sense  
TG: im pretty sure dirk is around the hotel so ill get him 2 eat w/ me  
GG: Or you could eat by yourself?  
TG: haha no  
TG: besides ive got some more stuff i want 2 talk 2 him about that might b better discussed irl  
GG: Hm... What kind of stuff?  
TG: gotta go

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering tiaemusTestified [TT]

TG: hey dirk eat lunch w/ me?  
TT: One moment.  
TT: There.  
TG: sooo  
TT: Lunch sounds alright. Everyone else I know is practically scattered to the corners of the globe.  
TG: lmao yeah  
TG: i have no clue where most of em  
TT: Where do you want to eat?  
TG: dunno  
TG: i was thinking downstairs  
TG: i dont wanna go 2 far bc i need 2 get back 2 work on setting callies high school stuff up  
TT: You know, I could help with that.  
TG: rnt u super busy w/ finishing ur work so u didnt have 2 do any of it l8er  
TT: Well.  
TT: Yes and no. I need a break or I’ll get a wicked headache and nobody likes those.  
TG: headaches r arguably 1 of the wickedest things around am i right  
TG: i get it  
TG: u need a 8r8k  
TT: Why is everyone saying break that way lately, anyway?  
TG: vriska  
TT: Of course. Because any unexplained problem in life can be traced back to one troublesome teenager with a god complex.  
TG: i dont think she has a god complex  
TG: more of a well  
TG: VRISKA complex  
TT: Vague and yet also obvious statements of fact aside, I’d be happy to eat with you. At the hotel restaurant?  
TG: sure  
TT: I’m on my way.

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering tiaemusTestified [TT]

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC]

TG: hey terezi  
TG: whats up?  
GC: NOT MUCH  
GC: VR1SK4 4ND 1 4R3 4T TH3 COM1C BOOK STOR3  
TG: man already?  
TG: took you less than twenty four hours  
TG: seriously i think you two have a problem  
GC: TRUST M3 MR STR1D3R OUR 4DD1CT1ON TO SHORT BOOKL3TS W1TH P1CTUR3S 1N TH3M 1S TH3 L34ST OF OUR PROBL3MS  
GC: HOW 1S TH3 4RC4D3?  
TG: i’m not gonna ask how you knew i was at the arcade because i know i’ll only get a giggle so  
TG: it’s pretty fun  
GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3  
GC: :]  
GC: YOU 4ND K4RK4T 4R3 SO 4DOR4BL3  
TG: whenever you say the word adorable i slide further towards insanity i hope you know that  
TG: when they have to lock me up in the mental asylum cause my beats were way too sick for the authorities to handle youll be listened as the cause  
TG: i hope youre happy knowing you and your bat shit antics are gonna turn my brain into a mushy pile of soup  
GC: TH4T SOUNDS D3L1C1OUS  
TG: holy shit what  
TG: please tell me you arent into vore on top of all the other weird shit youre into  
GC: DONT WORRY  
GC: I PROB4BLY 4M NOT 1NTO TH4T P4RT1CUL4R TH1NG YOU 4R3 D3SCR1B1NG 4S VOR3  
TG: well if that isnt one suspiciously specific denial i will eat my super ironic and awesome sunglasses right in front of you  
TG: and i know youre typing TH4TS 4DOR4BL3 so cut it out  
GC: :[  
TG: anyway  
TG: wait a minute theres a comic store next door to this place  
TG: are you two stalking us?  
GC: H3H3H3H3H3  
TG: fuck  
TG: what the fuck did i expect  
TG: were you two behind that commotion outside fifteen minutes ago?  
GC: T4NG3NT14LLY  
GC: 1 ONLY 4CC1D3NT4LLY SHOV3D MY C4N3 THROUGH TH3 FOOT OF 4 GUY WHO THOUGHT H3 COULD G3T 4W4Y W1TH GROP1NG 4 BL1ND G1RL 4ND VR1SK4 4CC1D3NT4LLY BROK3 H1S 4RM TRY1NG TO H3LP TH3 POOR M4N TO H1S F33T.  
GC: 4ND R34LLY COULD YOU BL4M3 M3 FOR 4C1D3NT4LLY SHOV1NG MY 3LBOW 1NTO H1S GUT C4US1NG H1M TO VOM1T 4LL OV3R H1S N1C3 SU1T  
GC: WHO COULD BL4M3 US FOR SUCH 4 TR4G1C 4CC1D3NT 1 M34N W3’V3 GOT 4 TOT4L OF ON3 3Y3 4ND THR33 4RMS B3TW33N TH3 TWO OF US  
TG: remind me to never get on your bad side  
GC: DONT B3 L1K3 TH4T  
GC: YOU 4R3 W4Y TOO  
TG: adorable  
GC: OOOOOOOO  
TG: youre just gonna day adorable no need to drag out the shitty suspense  
GC: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGC: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
TG: adorable  
GC: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
GC: 4DOR4BL3

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC]


	8. mistakes have 8een made

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AKA, How to be a Gay Disaster 101 by Vriska, Rose, Terezi, Dave, Kanaya, and Karkat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no new trigger warnings but there are some descriptions of the symptoms of ptsd. also kissing. mostly unrelated to the ptsd thing.

arachnidsGrip [AG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TG]

AG: Wow, I’ve known Karkat for a long time 8ut you have officially surpassed him as top oblivious idiot  
TT: Oh?  
TT: What was it I did that earned a Serket Smackdown TM?  
TT: Should I take notes on the longwinded speech that is sure to follow?   
TT: I’ll assume, for the sake of convenience, this relates to Kanaya given that she is apparently the only topic my friends are capable of talking about in my vicinity.  
TT: She said you two have known each other for a long time.   
TT: I’m sure John said we went on a date today even though the activity was completely platonic in nature.   
TT: If you are assuming we started dating, which has not occurred no matter what anyone wants, then does this make this the, “don’t 8r8k or heart or I’ll kill you” speech she claims you gave Sollux and Feferi?   
TT: I wouldn’t worry if I were you. She has assured me Porrim is capable of making any threats as necessary.  
TT: Along with following them up, actually. Porrim is more than a little bit scary and I’ve only met her over FaceTime.   
AG: SHUT UP  
TT: Vriska?  
AG: I said SH8T TH8 FUCK U8  
TT: Are you... okay? Those eights don’t even make phonetic sense.  
AG: You reall8 8re JUST like her  
AG: 8rcaus8 yo8 N8V8R KNOW WH8N TO SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH ARANEA  
TT: Uh.

arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

gallowsCalibrator [GC] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TG]

GC: ROS3 PL34S3 FOR TH3 LOV3 OF YOUR TR4SH13ST W1Z4RD F1CS N3V3R 3V3R BR1NG UP PORR1M TO VR1SK4  
GC: SH3 DO3SN’T L1K3 TO T4LK 4BOUT 1T 4ND SH3’S B33N STR3SS3D B3C4US3 SH3 H4D TO 3XPL41N TO C4LL1OP3 Y3ST3RD4Y  
TT: Explain what?  
GC: NOT MY PL4C3 TO 3XPL41N 4ND 1F YOU BR34TH3 4 WORD 4BOUT TH1S TO K4N4Y4 TH3N 1 W1LL BR34K YOUR 4RMS.  
TT: But I already said something.  
GC: D34R GOD YOU JUST H4D TO DO L1T3R4LLY TH3 WORST TH1NG POSS1BL3.  
TT: Oh god.  
TT: Why?  
GC: L1K3 1 S41D 1T’S NON3 OF YOUR BU1S1N3SS  
TT: Does this have something to do with someone called Aranea?  
GC: WH4T D1D SH3 S4Y?   
GC: 1 T4LK3D H3R B4CK FROM H3R FL4SHB4CK BUT SH3’S NOT ST4BL3 3NOUGH TO T4LK Y3T  
TT: Should I copy and paste or summarize?  
GC: COPY 4ND P4ST3 YOU WOULDNT KNOW WH4T WOULD B3 1MPORT4NTANT  
TT: AG: Wow, I’ve known Karkat for a long time 8ut you have officially surpassed him as top oblivious idiot TT: Oh? TT: What was it I did that earned a Serket Smackdown TM?TT: Should I take notes on the longwinded speech that is sure to follow? TT: I’ll assume, for the sake of convenience, this relates to Kanaya given that she is apparently the only topic my friends are capable of talking about in my vicinity. TT: She said you two have known each other for a long time. TT: I’m sure John said we went on a date today even though the activity was completely platonic in nature. TT: If you are assuming we started dating, which has not occurred no matter what anyone wants, then does this make this the, “don’t 8r8k or heart or I’ll kill you” speech she claims you gave Sollux and Feferi? TT: I wouldn’t worry if I were you. She has assured me Porrim is capable of making any threats as necessary. TT: Along with following them up, actually. Porrim is more than a little bit scary and I’ve only met her over FaceTime. AG: SHUT UP TT: Vriska? AG: I said SH8T TH8 FUCK U8 TT: Are you... okay? Those eights don’t even make phonetic sense. AG: You reall8 8re JUST like her AG: 8rcaus8 yo8 N8V8R KNOW WH8N TO SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH ARANEA TT: Uh.  
GC: W3LP YOU FUCK3D UP  
GC: R34LLY B4DLY  
TT: Who’s Aranea?   
GC: H3R MOM   
GC: W3LL G3N3T1C4LLY SP34K1NG. MY MOM, L4TUL4, B4S1C4LLY 4DOPT3D H3R 4FT3R SH3 MYST3R1OUSLY D1S4P34R3D   
TT: I’m guessing she talked a lot.   
GC: GOD D1D SH3 3V3R  
GC: SH3 N3V3R KN3W WH3N TO SHUT UP  
GC: 1 TOLD D4V3 4BOUT 4 LOT OF TH1S SO 1F YOU R34LLY N33D TO KNOW YOU’LL N33D TO T4LK TO H1M B3C4US3 1’M NOT GO1NG TO 3XPL41N MYS3LF 4G41N.   
TT: I’ll ask him tomorrow.   
TT: It's late and I'm reasonably certain he said he was going to watch some more romantic comedies with Karkat.   
GC: GOD  
GC: 1 DON'T N33D TO KNOW   
GC: FOR SOM3 B1Z4RR3 R34SON MY C4PR1C1OUS D3S1R3 TO S33 CLU3L3SS 1D1OTS H4V3 S1MPL3 H4PPY 3V3N1NGS W1TH S1MPL3 H4PPY R3L4T1ONSH1PS 1S NOT MY H1GH3ST PR1OR1TY  
GC: M4YB3 JUST M4YB3 1 H4V3 B1GG3R TH1NGS TO D34L W1TH L1K3 MY B3ST FR13ND 4ND G1RLFR13ND'S M3NT4L BR34KDOWN TH4T YOU C4US3D BY SHOOT1NG YOUR MOUTH OFF W1THOUT R34L1Z1NG HOW STR3SS3D SH3'S B33N B3C4US3 OF YOUR SIST3R'S G1RLFR13ND  
GC: YOU GUYS PR4CT1C4LLY FORC3D H3R 1NTO SH4R1NG  
GC: ROXY 1 GET  
GC: SH3 H4RDLY KNOWS 4NYTH1NG 4BOUT VR1SK4'S L1F3  
GC: BUT YOU? YOU KN3W SH3 D1DN'T L1K3 TO T4LK 4BOUT 1T 4ND M4D3 H3R F33L L1KE SH1T B3C4US3 SH3 W4NT3D TO K33P H3R FUCK1NG S3CR3TS S3CRET  
GC: 4ND 4FT3R 4LL YOU'D 4LR34DY DON3 YOU ST4RT3D T4LK1NG 4BOUT PORR1M  
GC: J3GUS ROS3  
GC: JUST... DON'T BR1NG UP PORR1M OR D4M4R4 TO VR1SK4 3SP3C14LLY NOT 1N TH4T SORT OF LONG 4ND R4MBLY T4NG3NT  
GC: K4N4Y4 1S PROB4BLY GO1NG TO B3 1N FOR 4 SHOCK 1F PORR1M R34LLY DO3S 3XPL41N TH3 TRUTH WH1CH SH3 4CTU4LLY M1GHT  
GC: 1 HON3STLY DON'T KNOW WH4T SH3 W1LL DO 4ND 1 DON'T R34LLY G1V3 4 SH1T  
GC: TH3 ONLY P3RSON 1 C4R3 4BOUT OUTS1D3 OF MY D1R3CT F4M1LY 1S VR1SK4, GOT 1T?  
GC: 4ND 1F YOU HURT H3R 4G41N TH3N 1 W1LL M4K3 YOU P4Y, CONS3QU3NC3S B3 D4MN3D.  
TT: I understand you have a strong attachment to her and bringing up certain relatives of our mutual friends will likely cause some sort of PTSD based panic attack.  
TT: Am I correct?  
GC: Y3S  
TT: Anything else?  
GC: SUCK 1T UP 4ND K1SS K4N4Y4  
TT: And I thought we were having a reasonable conversation.  
GC: YOU DO L1K3 H3R THOUGH  
GC: TRUST M3 1T 1S SO OBV1OUS TO 4NYON3 W1TH 4 BR41N  
GC: YOU 4R3 P3RF3CT FOR H3R  
GC: BOTH M3DDL3SOM3 LONG W1ND3D N3RDS WHO ST1CK TH31R NOS3S 1N D3L1C4T3 S1TU4T1ONS W1THOUT C4R1NG 4BOUT TH3 CONS3QU3NC3S  
TT: I'm sensing some hostility here.  
GC: NO SH1T, SH3RLOCK  
GC: YOU 4R3 GO1NG TO R3C13V3 4N 4W4RD FOR YOUR 1NT3LL1G3NC3  
GC: YOU TOO C4N B3 4 PR1V4T3 1NV3ST1G4TOR B3C4US3 YOUR POW3RS OF D3DUCT1ON 4R3 1NCR3D1BL3  
GC: JUST H4V3 SUCK 1T UP, T4LK TO PORR1M, 4ND K1SS H3R  
GC: GOD 1T'S NOT ROCK3T SC13NC3  
GC: 4ND Y3S SH3 1S 4 L3SB14N TOO SO YOU C4N STOP WORRY1NG 4BOUT TH4T  
TT: She is?  
GC: W4S TH4T S3RR1OUSLY TH3 ONLY TH1NG YOU P1CK3D UP FROM TH1S D1SCUSS1ON?  
TT: No.  
TT: I am capable of responding to multiple statements at once, you know.  
GC: R34LLY 1 COULDN'T T3LL FROM YOUR TOT4L OBL1V1OUSN3SS TO H3R F33L1NGS  
GC: JUST GO T4LK TO K4N4Y4.

gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC]

TG: hey terezi!  
TG: uh this is gonna sound weird but i promise its a totally normal question w/ no applicability 2 my life & im asking 4 a friend but how did u figure out u were a lesbian  
GC: C4N'T T4LK NOW  
GC: BUT JUST SO YOU KNOW 1F YOU N33D TO 4SK TH4T QU3ST1ON YOU 4R3 PROB4BLY NOT H3T3ROS3XU4L  


tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC]

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]

CG: I'M GOING TO STAY OVER AT DAVE'S AGAIN AND MIGHT FALL ASLEEP SO DON'T FREAK OUT IF I'M NOT HOME BY CURFEW, MR. CLINGY

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Dave.  
TT: Dave, are you there?  
TG: yup one cool dude right here  
TG: karkat's gone to buy some popcorn so i can talk until he gets back  
TT: Kanaya just kissed me.  
TT: Or maybe I just kissed her.  
TT: I'm not sure.  
TT: It was sort of mutual?  
TT: I accidentally caused Vriska some sort of meltdown and Kanaya was comforting me. She looked so pretty and I just sort of leaned in.  
TT: Then our lips touched.  
TT: I could smell traces of lavender in her hair and her skin was as soft as silk. The light was dim, shining in her curly black hair. TT: She was so enchanting. I've never been kissed before. Her eyes are so beautiful, aren't they? That soft jade green is enchanting. I'm practically losing my typical eloquence in the face of such a shocking development.  
TT: Does she like me?  
TT: She used her tongue and Terezi said she liked girls.  
TT: That's completely normal friend behavior, right?  
TG: holy shit rose  
TG: you are practically the motherfucking queen of oblivious lesbianism  
TG: yes she likes you if she used her *tongue*  
TG: and fyi that is way too many details  
TG: a simple "she kissed me" would've worked  
TT: Well.  
TT: It was one hell of a kiss.  
TG: god fucking damnit rose what did i just say.  
TT: TG: a simple "she kissed me" would've worked  
TG: right  
TG: and you can't even listen to that simple instruction  
TG: anyway what are you doing now  
TT: Staring at my phone as far away from her in the bed as I can.  
TG: what's she doing  
TT: The same thing.  
TG: she likes you dumbass  
TG: talk about your feelings like adults.  
TT: Oh, I get it!  
TT: I think I understand.  
TG: finally  
TG: the amount of sexual tension we've all been mostly too polite to mention will be resolved and you can stop walking on egg shells around each other  
TT: I get her game.  
TG: uh oh  
TG: please don't let this be going where i think it's going  
TT: She's good. Real good. But I'm better.  
TG: please shut up and think about this rationally for literally five seconds  
TT: She's pretending to like me to gain an advantage in our competition. The competition to determine which flighty broad can successfully out snarky horse shit the other.  
TT: The only answer to her challenge is to dig my heels in.  
TG: rose are you even reading what im saying anymore  
TT: Well, she could actually like me but that wouldn't make sense.  
TT: She's a skilled manipulator. She nearly managed to overcome me in our game of chess and she struck a strong blow by recommending a masterpiece to me at the book store.  
TT: However, now she's made a fatal mistake. She moved the relationship into affectionate terms, which is the field in which I excel.  
TT: Kissing me was only the beginning. If I can't figure out a proper counter, then she'll be at the advantage.  
TT: I won't hesitate in the block and the counterattack. I block with the weapon of retroactive responsibility-- I was the one seducing her all along. She was playing right into my hands by expressing interest.  
TT: "Of course the trip to the book store was was a date, my dear sweet Kanaya. Would you like to go on another?" I will say.  
TG: dear goodness  
TG: you two are the biggest sapphic trainwreck i have ever seen and i was a key player in the scourge reconciliation tm  
TT: Then I will utilize an ace I've been hiding up my sleeve.  
TT: I paid attention to her interests from a discussion we had over a month ago!  
TT: She likes vampires, no, she loves them.  
TT: Do you think it would be going overboard to actually try to become one?  
TG: yes rose  
TG: i do think it might be a bad idea to *become a vampire* to impress your girlfriend  
TT: Yeah, you're right, that might be overdoing it.  
TT: I have an idea.  
TT: Oh, this should burn her good.  
TG: rose  
TG: fuck  
TT: I will get back to you tomorrow.  


tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

grimAuxilitrax [GA] began pestering carcinoGeneticist  [CG]

GA: Karkat Rose Just Kissed Me And I Am Sort Of Freaking Out A Bit Here  
CG: REALLY?   
GA: No I Lied To You For Literally No Reason   
CG: OKAY THEN  
GA: That Was Sarcasm  
CG: WHICH PART? YOU’VE BEEN SO SARCASTIC LATELY IT CAN BE HARD TO FUCKING TELL  
GA: The Lying Part  
GA: She Really Did Kiss Me And I Really Am Freaking Out   
GA: Also I Have Not Been That Sarcastic Lately  
CG: YES YOU HAVE BEEN.  
CG: NEED I COPY AND PASTE PREVIOUS CONVERSATIONS FOR REFERENCE?  
GA: That Might Provide Helpful In Highlighting This Absurd Trend You Accuse Me Of Displaying  
CG: YEAH THAT WAS A JOKE  
GA: I Know So Was My Response  
CG: OH  
CG: OKAY THEN  
CG: WELL ANYWAY WHAT HAPPENED?  
GA: Incident Report The Kiss  
GA: Persons Involved Rose Lalonde and Kanaya Maryam  
GA: Report Submitted By Kanaya Maryam To Commanding Officer Karkat Vantas  
GA: Rose Lalonde Who Will Henceforth Be Referred To As Flighty Broad A In Accordance To Procedure Displayed Emotional Distress At Approximately Nine Thirty Two PM  
GA: I Code Name Flighty Broad B Attempted To Provide Comfort By Telling Her It Was Going To Be Alright And Then A Hair Fell In My Face  
GA: I Mean In Flighty Broad Bs Face Of Course I Would Hate To Disrupt The Report To My Great And Benevolent Leader  
GA: So Flighty Broad A Moved To Nudge The Rebellious Strand Behind The Ear Of Flighty Broad B Who Leaned Forward Perhaps Propelled By Some Sort Of Dark God The Kind Of Which Flighty Broad A Swears By   
GA: Whose Intentions Are Not Cold Indifference Or Even Malevolent Cruelty But The Desire To Confuse Perhaps Baffle The Sapphic Youth  
GA: That Was When Our Lips Made Contact And Those Same Dark Gods Propelled Me To Stay   
GA: Also There Were Tongues  
GA: Did I Mention There Were Tongues  
GA: We Broke Apart After A Few Moments And Now We Are Both On Our Phones Presumably Desperately Texting   
GA: Report Concluded  
CG: KANAYA   
CG: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD DID I ASK FOR AN EXCERPT FROM A TRASHY ROMANCE NOVEL WRITTEN IN THE STYLE OF A MILITARY REPORT OR DID I ASK FOR WHAT HAPPENED  
GA: Excuse Me My Romance Novels Are Works Of Art  
CG: WHATEVER I DON’T NEED TO OR WANT TO KNOW  
CG: AND LEAVE THE DARK GODS OUT OF IT I REALLY DON’T NEED TO IMAGINE TENTACLES AT THIS HOUR OF THE NIGHT  
CG: I WAS ON A QUEST TO GET SUPPLIES FOR A MOVIE MARATHON WITH DAVE  
GA: Count To Ten Slowly Before You Send The Angry Diatribe I Know You Are Working On  
CG: OKAY  
CG: SO WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS TWO PARTIES THAT ARE OBVIOUSLY INTERESTED IN EACH OTHER BUT ARE TOO SCARED TO ADMIT IT BECAUSE THEY CANNOT DO ANYTHING WITHOUT CONCEALING IT IN AT LEAST TEN LAYERS OF SARCASM AND IRONY  
CG: I SUGGEST TALKING ABOUT IT WITH HER INSTEAD OF WITH ME BECAUSE IN CASE I HAVEN’T MADE IT PERFECTLY CLEAR I HAVE A MOVIE MARATHON TO CONTINUE  
GA: I See  
GA: Of Course It Is Clear  
CG: SO YOU’RE GOING TO GO TALK TO HER?  
GA: No The Irony Thing Is What I Am Referring To  
GA: This Kiss Was A Ploy In Our Game Of Snarky One Upgirlship   
CG: THAT IS LITERALLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I SAID  
GA: Thank You For Your Advice I Believe I Understand How To Proceed From Here  
CG: GOD FUCKING DAMNIT  
GA: Good Luck On Your Date   
CG: ITS NOT A FUCKING DATE  
GA: Are You Sure  


grimAuxilitrax [GA] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist  [CG]

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist  [CG]

TG: yo you almost back yet  
CG: YEAH  
CG: ONLY SLIGHTLY DISTRACTED BY KANAYA  
CG: APPARENTLY ROSE KISSED HER  
TG: wait no  
TG: rose was saying kanaya kissed her first  
CG: OUR RESPECTIVE COUSIN ARE UNSURPRISINGLY ENOUGH SAPPHIC DISASTERS  
TG: yup   
TG: rose responded by taking it as a challenge to one up her romantically  
TG: lemme guess kanaya did the same  
CG: YUP  
CG: SHE ALSO IGNORED ME WHEN I SUGGESTED ACTUALLY TALKING TO HER  
CG: MAN WE ARE SO MUCH BETTER THEN THEM  
CG: I MEAN AS FRIENDS  
CG: OBVIOUSLY  
TG: yeah  
TG: obviously   
CG: MAYBE WE’RE BETTER AT TALKING ABOUT OUR FEELINGS BECAUSE WE DON’T HAVE ANY ROMANTIC COMPLICATIONS  
CG: WHICH IS TOTALLY WHAT’S HAPPENING  
TG: we’re like the most platonic of bros   
TG: come back here and i’m gonna friendlily shove you down a flight of stairs  
CG: I WILL CONSIDER MYSELF COMPLETELY WARNED ON THE MATTER OF THESE FUCKING STAIRS  
CG: DAWG  
TG: goddamnit i love you bro  
CG: YOU TOO  
CG: BUDDY  
TG: pal  
CG: AMIGO  
TG: chum  
CG: BESTIE  
TG: platonic movie watching partner  
CG: WAIT THAT MAKES IT SOUND LIKE WE’RE WATCHING MOVIES ABOUT FRIENDSHIP  
TG: what do you want me to say  
TG: fuckin platonic romantic movie watching partner  
CG: I GUESS THAT DOES SOUND PRETTY FUCKING STUPID  
CG: SEE YOU SOON  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist  [CG]

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator  [GC]

TG: hey terezi is saying we’re totally friends around fifty times in one conversation normal  
GC: WHY TH3 FUCK 4RE YOU 4SK1NG M3?  
GC: ON3 1 4M SUP3R BUSY D34L1NG W1TH MY G1RlFR13ND’S M3NT4L BR34KDOWN 4ND TWO 1F YOU F33L TH3 N33D TO 4SK TH3N YOU 4LR34DY KNOW TH3 4NSW3R   
TG: you mean vriska?  
GC: NO TH3 OTH3R G1RLFR13ND 1 H4V3 TH4T 1S PRON3 TO 1NT3NS3 3MOT1ONS  
TG: i  
TG: seriously?   
GC: NO 1 DON'T H4V3 4NOTH3R G1RLFR13ND W1TH S3V3R3 3MOT1ON4L TR4UM4 OR OTH3RW1S3  
GC: ON3 1S 3NOUGH  
TG: i mean about vriska being upset  
GC: YOU KNOW H3R H1STORY WHY 4R3 YOU SURPR1S3D  
TG: she did get a bit worked up yesterday but i mean she’s vriska  
TG: she doesn’t *have* full on breakdowns like the rest of us  
GC: SH3’S ONLY HUM4N YOU KNOW  
GC: YOU GUYS N33D TO STOP 3XP3CT1NG H3R TO B3 SOM3 K1ND OF UNSTOP4BL3 FORC3 OF N4TUR3   
GC: 1 KNOW TH4T’S TH3 1M4G3 W3 PROJ3CT BUT TH3R3’S 4 R34SON W3 4CT L1K3 W3 DO 4ND 1T 41N’T JUST FOR SH1TS 4ND G1GGL3S  
GC: W3LL TH3 SH1TS 4ND G1GGL3S 4R3 PR3TTY FUN BUT YOU KNOW WH4T 1 M34N  
GC: 1’M NOT SOM3 SORT OF M4N1C P1X13 DR34M G1RL FOR YOU GOT 1T  
TG: i know  
TG: i know you   
TG: insert inappropriate joke etc  
TG: even if sometimes it feels like you were just using me  
GC: 1 W4SN’T US1NG YOU  
TG: then what were you doing  
TG: how can you accuse me of treating you as an emotional crutch when you did literally the same thing to me  
TG: it was always vriska this vriska that and i get why what happened left you with a shit ton of emotional scars but i’m just another messed kid  
TG: i’m not your therapist  
GC: SHOCK3D G4SPS COM3 FROM THE 4UD13NC3  
GC: R344444444LLY?  
GC: YOU KNOW WH4T 1'V3 B33N SP3ND1NG 4 H4LF HOUR W4D1NG THROUGH 3MOT1ION4L BULLSH1T 4ND VR1SK4'S B4S1C4LLY B3TT3R BY NOW  
GC: SH3 N33DS T1M3 TO TH1NK 4ND 1 N33D 4 8R8K   
TG: a break would be nice from all this emotional bullshit yes  
GC: 4ND THOS3 WORDS COULD B3 1NT3RPR3TT3D 4S SOM3 S1CK F1R3S YOU'R3 ST4RT1NG  
TG: i see where you're going with this  
GC: 1'M COMING TO YOUR ROOM  
TG: but karkat and i were gonna watch some movies  
GC: 1T'LL B3 4 THR33 T1M3S R4P B4TTL3 SHOWDOWN TH3N  
GC: 1'LL M4K3 YOUR COMPL3T3 4ND UTT3R 4NH1L4T1ON W1TH TH3 MOST BRUT4L 4ND D1S34S3D F1R3S QU1CK  
TG: alright  
GC: 4CTU4LLY VR1SK4 S4YS SH3'S F33L1NG B3TT3R  
GC: W3'LL 2V2 YOU  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator  [GC]

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist  [CG]

TG: change of plans we're going to team up and annihilate team scourge in a rap battle before we watch our movies 

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist  [CG]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so there was a chapter nine but I changed my mind about where the story was going. The felt won't be in the story and doc scratch will be relegated to VRISKA'S past instead of Calliope's.


	9. oh you know

apocalypseArisen [AA] began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG]

AA: hey  
AG: What.  
AA: sorry i know its early  
AG: Underst8ment, much?   
AG: It's four in the morning.   
AA: you were already up for at least a half hour  
AG: Well, isn't th8t not creepy at all.   
AA: i wasnt spying on you or anything if thats what youre assuming  
AG: How do you know, then?  
AA: because i couldnt sleep and went for a walk  
AA: i saw you get in the elevator with a strange coat on  
AG: Why didn't you s8y something then?  
AA: you looked  
AA: preoccupied  
AA: where are you?  
AG: ...  
AG: Why do you care?  
AA: regardless of what you think im not bitter about what happened  
AG: 8ullshit  
AA: its true!  
AA: actually im kind of grateful  
AG: ::::/  
AA: im not lying  
AG: Sure you aren't, Megido.  
AA: can you not  
AG: Not wh8t.  
AA: do the thing where you get all mopey when you have to acknowledge the fact i exist  
AG: I'm not mopey.  
AA: what else would you call your attitude  
AG: Reasona8le.  
AA: now im calling bullshit :P  
AA: you dont need to be guarded all the time with people who arent terezi you know  
AG: You don't know half as much a8out me as you think you do.  
AA: and you dont know half as much about me as you think you do   
AG: I know enough  
AG: Enough to know I don't want to be h8ving this convers8ion at fuck nope o clock in the morning  
AG: If you want to talk, wait until Terezi's up and I've h8d my coffee.  
AA: you never talk to anyone else when she's around.  
AG: 8on't.  
AG: Go away. I don't w8nt to talk a8out it and you really don't want to push me into t8lking a8out it.  


apocalypseArisen [AA] ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG]

gallowsCalibrator [GC] began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG]

GC: VR1SK4 WH3R3 4R3 YOU  
AG: The roof.  
GC: GOD FUCK1NG D4MN1T  
GC: YOU BROUGHT YOUR DR4M4T1C CO4T D1DN’T YOU  
AG: No  
GC: DON’T FUCK W1TH M3 1’M 1N YOUR CLOS3T 4ND 1T’S GON3   
AG: May8e?  
GC: S1T DOWN FROM TH4T DR4M4T1C POS3 1 KNOW YOU’R3 1N, 1’M COM1NG UP  
GC: SHOULD 1 BR1NG TH3 SWORDS  
AG: Nah, we’d pro8a8ly get in trou8le with the hotel  
GC: YOU’R3 PROB4BLY R1GHT :[  
AG: How a8out in the park l8r?  
GC: OK4Y BUT TH3N W3’LL N33D TO US3 TH3 WOOD3N ON3S SO NOBODY P4N1CS  
AG: Were you seriously suggesting we sp8r with sharp weapons in the morning on top of 8 8uilding where 8nyone and everyone could see?  
GC: Y3S.  
GC: Y3S 1 W4S.  
AG: I love you so much.  
GC: LOV3 YOU MOR3  
AG: Love you most  
GC: ;]  
GC: S33 YOU SOON

gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG]

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering uranianUnbound [UU]

EB: hey callie!  
EB: jake and i were gonna rewatch con  
EB: roxy said you hadnt seen very many movies so do you wanna come hang out with us?  
UU: it soUnds absolUtely intrigUing!  
UU: let me ask jane and roxy if they want to come as well.  
EB: whatever they say know that theyre probably just jealous that their movie tastes cant compete with our top notch selection  
UU: roxy says i shoUld go if i want bUt it’s kinda silly while jane asked if i was serioUs  
UU: i told her i was and she said i shoUld so we coUld all make fUn of it together.  
UU: i think they are being rather jUdgemental and i want to see it myself!  
EB: awesome!  
EB: i promise you wont regret it  
UU: which room are yoU in?  
EB: 413  
UU: i’m on my way!  
UU: ^u^

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering uranianUnbound [UU]

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering tiaemusTestified [TT]

TG: egbert & harley have managed 2 entrap another unfortunate soul in their web of indiscriminate movie taste  
TG: im afraid its only a matter of time b4 she starts wearing glasses & loses control of her gorgeous brown hair like a nerd  
TT: Who, Calliope?  
TG: yup :P  
TT: Oh.  
TT: Okay.  
TG: u seem distracted  
TT: No, I’m not.  
TG: yes ur  
TT: I’m perfectly capable of multitasking without issue.  
TG: no u rnt  
TG: what ru doing anyway  
TG: i bet it has 2 do w swords  
TT: It does not.  
TG: ur buying more shitty swords online rnt u  
TT: My swords aren’t shitty.  
TT: I mean, no, I’m not.  
TG: neeeeeeeerd  
TG: how many do u even have  
TT: Twenty two.  
TG: thats 2 many swords 4 1 hipster w shades  
TG: or 1 w out shades   
TT: It is a reasonable number but it could be higher.  
TG: lmao  


tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering tiaemusTestified [TT]

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: yo you busy  
TT: Yes.  
TG: cool so hows mission seduce kanaya going  
TT: It is progressing at an acceptable pace, although I am concerned she may have anticipated my move and has planned to counteract it with an offering double the size.  
TT: In addition, I’d prefer you call it something less absurd.  
TT: Perhaps we may refer to this particular quest as “Operation Rainbow Drinker“ among ourselves, so not to reveal my true motivation until the time is right  
TG: rose  
TG: trust me when i say operation rainbow drinker sounds even more absurd than mission seduce kanaya  
TG: but hey shes a pretentious nerd too who knows she might dig it  
TT: Shush.  
TG: were typing we arent making any noise  
TT: Hm.  
TT: Would giving her a rose be too obvious at this point?  
TT: I would be literally giving her myself.  
TG: flowers  
TG: thats more reasonable than what i expected  
TT: I‘m purchasing bulbs, soil, and a pot along with a book on gardening from the most well respected store in the city.  
TT: Do you think Jade would mind helping us plant them or would it be more romantic to do it just the two of us.  
TG: and you went right back to unnecessarily extra  
TG: how hard do you think it would be to actually tell her you like her in plain English  
TG: maybe go to a movie?  
TG: dinner?  
TT: You’re right, do you know what her favorite movie is?  
TG: why the fuck would i know that  
TT: Ask Karkat, then.  
TG: great  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceasd pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TT: Karkat, what is Kanaya’s favorite movie?  
CG: IT’S CALLED SUCK IT THE FUCK UP AND ASK HER YOURSELF YOU COWARDLY MOTHER OF BULLSHIT LUNACY  
CG: SERIOUSLY DO I LOOK LIKE A WINGMAN OR WHAT  
CG: I’M NOT YOUR PERSONAL DELIVERY SERVICE AND I’M NOT GOING TO GROVEL HEAD TO THE FUCKING GROUND TO SWEAR UNDYING LOYALTY TO YOUR GODAMN SAPPHIC SHENANIGANS THAT REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE ACTION OF TALKING ABOUT YOUR FUCKING FEELINGS LIKE REASONABLE HUMAN BEINGS  
CG: CONGRATU FUCKING LATIONS ROSE AND KANAYA  
CG: YOU HAVE LEVELED UP ON THE SKILL TREE OF TERRIBLE COMMUNICATION SKILLS  
CG: YOU HAVE ALL THE FUCKING LEVELS ACTUALLY  
CG: THERE WEREN’T EVEN ANY LEVELS IN THE FIRST PLACE JUST YOU AND HER IN A SWIRLING MESS OF UNNECESSARILY COMPLICATED HORSESHIT AND OBSESSIONS WITH ONE UP MAN FUCKING SHIT YOU LITERAL PIECE OF *FUCKING GARBAGE*  
CG: FUCK OFF AND TALK TO HER  
CG: I CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THE VIRTUE OF LAYING OUT YOUR EMOTIONAL VULNERABILITIES TO THE ONE PERSON IN THE WORLD YOU TRUST NOT TO MAKE FUN OF YOU  
CG: YOU KNOW YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS IS PRACTICALLY SCREAMING AT YOU TO JUST SAY IT AND YOU KNOW SHE WON’T JUDGE YOU FOR IT SO WHY CAN’T YOU FUCKING SPIT IT OUT?  
CG: ALL OF WHAT’S BEEN HAPPENING BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU FUCKING IGNORAMUSES CAN’T POSSIBLE BE PURE PLATONIC BANTER NO MATTER WHAT BOTH OF YOU SAY REPEATEDLY TO EACH OTHER AS IF TO CLARIFY NO HOMO  
CG: THOUGH OBVIOUSLY YOU’D NEVER ACTUALLY FUCKING SAY THAT BECAUSE YOU KNOW YOUR ACTUALLY GAY FRIENDS WOULD BE PISSED OFF AT YOU FOR SAYING THAT.  
CG: EVEN IF YOU KNOW YOU DEFINITELY AREN’T FUCKING GAY BECAUSE YOU KNOW YOUR OWN FEELINGS BUT YOU STILL WANT TO PUSH HIS GODDAMN SHADES UP HIS NOSE AND BRUSH HIS HAIR OUT OF HIS FACE LIKE THOSE THOUGHTS AREN’T TOTALLY REPULSIVE.  
CG: BECAUSE WATCHING A TON OF FUCKING ROMANTIC COMEDIES IS FRIENDLY BEHAVIOR, ISN’T IT?  
CG: YOU JUST NEED TO FUCKING SUCK IT UP AND TELL HIM EVEN THOUGH YOU AREN’T SURE THOSE FEELINGS EXIST AT ALL.  
CG: THAT’S OBVIOUSLY AN EXCUSE!  
CG: YOU KNOW HOW FEEL!  
TT: Hmmm  
CG: FUCK  
CG: WHY THE ACTUAL FUCK DID I SAY ANY OF THAT  
CG: ESPECIALLY TO FUCKING YOU  
CG: IF YOU FUCKING TELL DAVE I SAID ANY OF THAT I WILL FUCKING  
CG: I DUNNO  
CG: I’LL YELL AT YOU A LOT  
TT: You’ll do that no matter what anyone does or doesn’t do.  
CG: OH YEAH RIGHT THEN CG: I’LL TELL KANAYA SOMETHING YOU DON'T WANT HER TO KNOW  
CG: I DON’T KNOW WHAT BUT IT’LL BE BAD  
TT: It’s alright.  
TT: Your secret is safe with me  
TT: ;)  
CG: THAT WINK IS ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING COMING FROM YOU  
TT: I know.

uranianUnbound [UU] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

UU: i think con air is a very good movie!  
TG: jfjfjiwoakdhfhsksoqiruhrjebdcsfgjfhhdjsj  
TG: how many movies have u seen again  
UU: admittedly, that nUmber is rather small bUt I like it!  
UU: the harry potter movies were good bUt i really didn’t like snape and malfoy  
UU: too familiar  
TG: omg im sorry i shldve thought abt that & i def shldve asked u if u wanted 2!  
UU: no, it’s okay, they’re yoUr favorite and i didn’t want to hUrt yoUr feelings  
TG: callie ur feelings r much more important 2 me than some movie & book series  
TG: besides its not like i havent already seen them 612 times or some absurd # like that  
TG: uu greater than hp  
TG: :P  
UU: ^u^  
TG: ur so cute  
UU: no, yoU are!  
TG: u r da cutest cutie 2 ever cute  
UU: yoU are the most cUte!  
TG: mayb we r both cute!  
UU: hehehe  
TG: (but ur cuter)  
UU: thank yoU so mUch  
UU: anyway, can we meet in the lobby? i want to go get lUnch.  
TG: sure! jane says u spotted a great place the other day?  
UU: yUp! i'm excited to try it oUt.  
TG: lovely  
TG: just as lovely as u :D  
UU: i'm blUshing rather fUrioUsly at the moment, i shoUld have yoU know  
TG: i do  
TG: ;)  


uranianUnbound [UU] ceasd pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

TT: Help me, Jade.  
TT: I’ve become entangled in a knot of passion and deception by a master seamstress, whose adeptness with her needles matches her pure mastery over romantic gestures.  
TT: She’s got me.  
GG: you mean kanaya?  
TT: Which other incredibly sexy seamstress could I plausibly for referring to?  
GG: i dunno  
GG: so did you get her flowers like i recommended or what?  
TT: Yes!  
TT: I found the most highly respected gardening store in the city and found the most perfect of blue violet seeds, which have a rich history entwined with the very origins of lesbianism.  
TT: I bought only the finest of soil and the most beautiful of pots.  
TT: Yet, she outclassed me with ease.  
TT: I was arrogant to presume I could even compete at the same level as such a graceful and sexy, I mean, gorgeous lady.  
TT: She wrote me an absurdly beautiful romantic poem and had the audacity to say it wasn’t very good because nobody else had inspired her like I had!  
TT: That witch.  
TT: That gorgeous, romantic, sexy witch!  
TT: In the face of that, blue violets look so plain.  
TT: I doubled down by kissing her after we’d planted them together but she countered by kissing back!  
TT: Now I’m flustered — downright humiliated, even— because we spent the last ten minutes engaging in a furious battle of lips.  
TT: I don’t know what I’m doing!  
TT: All the novels I read usually start dismembering people before they reach this point!  
GG: rose  
GG: you are so silly!! :)  
GG: nepeta said you were being absurd but i underestimated you!  
TT: I am not being absurd.  
TT: I am having a completely rational reaction to being seduced— successfully, nonetheless— by _Kanaya fucking Maryam._  
GG: shes not that intimidating rose  
GG: shes really nice!  
TT: My point exactly.  
TT: I feel powerless to counter this power move.  
TT: I only just barely managed to gain the upper hand because she said she was thirsty and I declared I would go down to the kitchen to fetch some for her.  
GG: are you actually listening to anything anyone else is saying about her  
TT: Of course I am.  
TT: I'm only slightly preoccupied because, in case I haven't mentioned already, I was kissing Kanaya _fucking_ Maryam not five minutes ago.  
GG: shes just another teen rose!!  
GG: i absolutely am certain shes as confused as you if not more and there's no reason to include the epithet "fucking" in between her first and last name  
TT: Absolutely not.   
TT: She is clearly a master of the sarcastic arts.   
GG: god you are so weird  
TT: Thank you.   
TT: Oh, I get it.   
GG: what?  
TT: I've come up with an idea.   
GG: uh oh  
TT: There's no reason to worry, Jade Harley.  
GG: :o  
GG: thats made me more anxious not less rose!  
GG: why did you say my full name?!?   
TT: Because I have an idea.   
GG: does this idea involve summoning some sort of gross eldritch monster or having an honest talk about your feelings?  
TT: Yes.  
GG: uhhhhh  
GG: rose please dont do anything drastic  
GG: when you say you have an idea i start to panic!! :O  
TT: Don't worry.  
TT: I have the situation under control.  
GG: you also said that before nearly burning your school down   
TT: ;)   


tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

grimAuxilitrax [GA] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

GA: Jade Please Help Me  
GG: lemme guess  
GG: rose?  
GA: How Is It Possible She Is So Good At This  
GA: This Relationship Thing  
GA: She Brought Me Seeds For Flowers  
GA: Which We Planted Like We Were Planting The Seeds Of A Future Relationship And The Gesture Was Filled With Such Powerful Symbolism I Was Blown Away  
GA: The Silly Poem I Wrote Seems Kind Of Stupid In Comparison  
GG: well she said she likes it and she feels like its not enough in comparison to your nice poem  
GA: Wait She Did  
GA: Are You Being Sarcastic  
GG: nope  
GG: you know me  
GG: not everyone is sarcastic all the time like you two  
GG: not everything has to be about oneupgirlship!   
GG: if you werent so snarky all the time maybe you could tell her you like her in straight forward english like a normal person instead of going on about poetry and flowers?  
GG: those things go after talking things out  
GA: Hm  
GA: That Is A Valid Point But Have You Considered  
GA: Not Doing That  
GG: i figured  
GG: worth a shot?  
GA: I Suppose So  
GA: I Will Brainstorm A Counterattack Independently As I Feel Asking You Will Only Result In More Lectures About Proper Communication Tactics   
GG: hehe! maybe :)  


grimAuxilitrax [GA] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

  

tiaemusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Are you alright?  
TT: Bro?  
TT: You there?  
TT: Karkat's worried about you.  
TT: Seriously, bro, I'm worried too.  
TT: Can't just run off like that in the middle of something.  
TT: Bro.  
TG: stop calling me that  
TT: What, bro?  
TG: yes  
TG: no  
TG: i dunno  
TG: you've been looking more and more like him everyday  
TG: and i know it's not your fault it's genetics or some bullshit like that but  
TG: i can't ok?  
TG: just leave me alone  


tiaemusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

tiaemusTestified [TT] began pestering golgolasTerror [GT]

TT: Damnit.  
GT: What is it dirk?  
TT: Dave, again.  
TT: Do you think I should dye my hair so I look less like him?  
GT: Less like... dave?  
TT: No, I mean I look like his bro.  
GT: I dont think you look like him.  
TT: It’s more than appearances, though.  
GT: Then why did you ask if you should dye your hair?  
TT: I don’t know.  
TT: Probably because I wish it was that easy of a fix.  
TT: I know I talk like he does.  
TT: We both have an absurd amount of swords and puppets, not like I’d ever use them like he does.  
TT: My hair isn’t really the problem.  
TT: Everything about me is way too damn close to that bastard.  
GT: Well you sure are in one womper of a pickle.  
TT: Yeah, that’s precisely how I’d describe the situation.  
GT: You should go find him and beat the tar out of him!  
TT: I assume you’re talking about his bro, not Dave, because otherwise that suggestion would be rather counterproductive.  
TT: It would be either way, but that’s something else entirely.  
GT: I dont see the problem.  
GT: Dave says you look like his bro so go and beat up the real thing so theres no more confusion on the matter  
TT: You do know he thinks Dave is dead, right?  
GT: Golly!  
GT: I did not!  
TT: Huh.  
TT: Rose sent out a message to everyone after it happened.  
GT: I mustve missed it!  
GT: What an unthinkable folly on my behalf  
GT: So what happened to cause this patently false belief in Mr Douchebag Strider?  
TT: There isn’t much of a story.  
TT: Rose, Karkat, Hal, and Nepeta staged his kidnapping.  
TT: Well, they say staged because they told him afterwards but it was in all extents the real thing.  
TT: I was involved in the planning but given the fact I can be disturbingly similar to his Bro at times, as has been made painfully obvious by now, I wasn’t allowed to participate.  
TT: I have to say, that man is persistent.  
TT: Without Rose’s hard work, I doubt we’d have been able to pull it off.  
TT: Fortunately, we did.  
TT: If it were up to me, I'd have told him it was us earlier along but I think they made the right choice.  
TT: I underestimated his determination.  
GT: What does that mean?  
TT: It means my uncle is a sociopath with a lot of connections within shady communities and I listened to the sound of Rose fighting off two trained criminals who had guns with only a pair of knitting needles over the phone. And the sound of her proceeding to blind them by gauging their eyes out with said needles.  
TT: Needless to say, it took a lot to convince him we'd actually killed Dave.  
TT: Not like he gave a shit afterwards, of course.   
TT: Once he was convinced, he backed off and went back to doing whatever messed up shit he did like he didn't even care. TT: Man, if I ever get my hands on that bastard...  
GT: Im guessing this is another reason you werent invited?  
TT: Probably.   
TT: Anyway, if you want more details, you can ask them.  
TT: Assuming they'll be willing to talk, I mean.  
GT: Wow!  
GT: That’s one hell of a story  
GT: So thats what you were up to that month when you all went radio silent three years back  
TT: Yup.  
GT: Were roxy and jane involved?  
TT: Jane was... not willing to participate and Roxy was dealing with a situation.  
GT: What about our mysterious and adventuresome squad of mischief makers?  
TT: If you’re referring to Scourge and Charge, then that was the summer when the accident occurred.  
GT: Of course.  
GT: The oft quoted accident.  
TT: I sense that's your way of asking without actually asking what happened.  
GT: Oh no, i was not attempting to pry!  
TT: It's alright, even if you were.  
TT: I honestly don't know that much.  
TT: It's not that I'm intimidated by Vriska and Terezi or anything.  
GT: Golly dirk youre scared of them arent you!  
TT: I am not.  
GT: Thats alright bro i wont tell!  
TT: Goddamnit.  
GT: Tis quite a reasonable concern, gee, id say anyone would be alarmed at their antics.  
TT: I'm going to get Karkat and send him after Dave.  
TT: Hopefully when we meet up later, you'll have long since abandoned this train of thought.  
GT: I am raising my eyebrows rather high over here bro!  


tiaemusTestified [TT] ceased pestering golgolasTerror [GT]


	10. 8r8ks, B4D 4ND OTH3RW1S3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some more of the same triggers.  
> also, my tumblr is raven-dreaming.tumblr.com and i run the roleplaying blog whatarekuprumskinks.tumblr.com

\-- tiaemusTestified [TT] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

TT: Hey Rose.  
TT: Can you message Dave for me?  
TT: Him, Karkat, and I were hanging out but...  
TT: He doesn't want to talk to me right now.  
TT: I suppose.  
TT: What happened to cause the incident?  
TT: I'm honestly not sure.  
TT: We were playing Calvincards and then he sprinted out of the room.  
TT: What did you say?  
TT: Is there a reason you're assuming it was me.  
TT: Yes.  
TT: What is it?  
TT: You know what it's about, you're only asking because you think spelling it out will help make me admit there's nothing I can do about his serious mental illness.  
TT: Right. That.  
TT: Yes, that.  
TT: Do you want to talk about it?  
TT: You're my cousin, not my therapist.  
TT: If I recall, you don't have a therapist.  
TT: This fact is relevant in what sense.  
TT: It's not really.  
TT: I just think it's interesting.  
TT: You don't talk to Dave, you don't talk to me, and you hardly talk to Jake about all this.  
TT: That's not true, I was just taking to Jake.  
TT: Without "irony" as a crutch if you say anything he thinks is weird?  
TT: You've got friends. Talk to them.  
TT: Hypocrite.  
TT: Perhaps.  
TT: It doesn't change the fact I'm right, though.  
TT: Go away, Rose.  
TT: You're the one who messaged me.  
TT: You know you don't always need the last word, right?  
TT: Yes.  
TT: Do you?  
TT: I understand it perfectly.  
TT: So why are you still responding instead of leaving?  
TT: I am leaving.  
TT: When?  
TT: Now.  
TT: Are you sure?  
TT: I am completely certain.  
TT: Then go.  
TT: I am going.  
TT: I suppose I'm not the only one in this family with a neurotic need to categorize conversations as a win or a loss.  
TT: Nope, I'm pretty certain you are.  
TT: Then why are you insisting on the last word as well?  
TT: I am not.  
TT: Then leave when it's your turn to say something.  
TT: I will.  
TT: Really?  
TT: If you want me to go, then stop asking me questions.  
TT: I don't want you to do anything. I'm pointing out a pattern of behavior.  
TT: How are you even typing so quickly?  
TT: The mysterious forces of the dark gods.  
TT: Obviously.  
TT: Why did I ask?  
TT: You didn't really. It was a rhetorical question that I chose to answer.  
TT: I'm going. Right now.  
TT: Are you.  
TT: Yes.  
TT: Now?  
TT: Yes!  
TT: Then do it.  
TT: Exit the conversation and surrender victory in the dialogue to me.  
TT: Have we been arguing about this for longer than we've been actually talking about serious topics?  
TT: Almost certainly.  
TT: I am seriously gone.  
TT: The obvious joke would be to say, "Hi seriously gone, I'm Rose," but since I like to believe my sense of humor is above such typical and mundane comments, I will act as if this concept has never occurred to me.  
TT: What a strange concept.  
TT: Humor, as a weapon in the exchange of two sarcastic teenagers with emotional issues?  
TT: I've never heard of it before. 

\-- tiaemusTestified [TT] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]  \--

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TT: Hey.  
TG: im fine  
TT: I didn't ask if you were fine.  
TT: I only said hey.  
TG: you wanted to ask though  
TT: Maybe.  
TG: i am  
TG: i mean i am getting better  
TT: You don't have to be fine, you know.  
TG: its been five years  
TG: i should be fine  
TT: Says who.  
TG: fuck you  
TG: i mean youre right and all but fuck you anyway  
TT: Is Karkat with you?  
TG: yeah  
TG: hes here  
TG: whats up with you  
TT: Not much.  
TT: It's complicated.  
TG: aint it always  
TT: Is it not simple with you and Karkat?  
TG: whats that supposed to mean were just friends  
TG: completely normal bros  
TG: im not gay  
TG: and its not like thats a bad thing  
TG: youre great  
TG: kanayas great  
TG: vriskas great  
TG: gay people are great  
TT: I'm going to try to pretend I didn't notice the fact you only mentioned girls in that list.  
TG: ugh  
TG: it has nothing to do with bro  
TG: im fine  
TT: Alright.  
TG: what  
TT: I said alright.  
TG: you dont believe me  
TT: Why do you think that?  
TT: Do you want me to protest?  
TG: i  
TG: fuck i walked right into that one  
TG: ugh  
TG: anyway karkat and i are friends  
TG: just friends  
TG: there will never and has never been anything more between us  
TT: Of course.  
TT: I will with hold my trademarked skepticism.  
TG: shut up hes sitting next to me and probably reading over my shoulder  
TT: I will abandon this train of thought with reckless abandon.  
TG: try not to derail it ok  
TG: might hurt the passengers  
TT: I will attempt to treat them with caution. TT: Anyway, listening to the people who care about you is helpful. 

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

\-- uranianUnbound [UU] began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] \--

UU: this might be a rUde qUestion so feel free to ignore it bUt i was wondering.  
UU: how are yoU so strong?  
AG: I'm assuming you don't mean muscle wise 8ecause th8t's a result of a shit ton of exercise  
UU: hehe  
AG: If you mean emotionally, well, the answer for th8t isn't as simple.  
AG: Pro8a8ly 8ecause you're asking the wrong person.  
UU: what do yoU mean?  
AG: I'm not strong.  
AG: Ask Terezi a8out strength.  
AG: She's the real deal.  
UU: i bet if i asked her she'd say the exact same thing aboUt yoU  
AG: Yeah, you're right.  
AG: All things considered, I'm a pretty 8ad liar so I'll give it to you str8.  
AG: I'm not the kind of person you should look up to. Like, at all.  
AG: You're the kind of sweet girl who didn't deserve any of what happened to you, it's o8vious just looking at you.  
AG: I'm not like th8t.  
AG: Neither is Terezi, even if she's 8etter th8n me 8y a long shot.  
AG: We're not good people.  
AG: I've told you what happened and I'm sure you think I was 8eing too hard on myself.  
AG: I wasn't.  
AG: I'm a 8ad person and I'm fine with it 8ut you aren't.  
UU: i am thoUgh.  
AG: 8ullshit.  
UU: yoU don't have a monopoly on badness.  
AG: Okay then.  
AG: Tell me what you think makes you such a 8ad person.  
UU: i broke caliborn's tooth.  
UU: i hit him back.  
UU: he was so surprised, i managed to knock him off his feet and i jUst kept hitting him.  
UU: gamzee had to pUll me off him.  
UU: they're right to hUrt me.  
UU: i'm a monster.  
UU: nobody coUld ever love a monster like me.  
AG: Calliope Makara.  
AG: I am laughing my ass off over here, you are so cute.  
UU: what?  
AG: You knocked that smug 8astard's tooth out? That doesn't make you a monster, that makes you a fucking hero.  
UU: Um i don't qUite Understand  
AG: Your 8ro fucking sucks and deserved it!  
AG: T8vros confessed he had a crush on me and my dum8ass reacted 8y shoving him off a cliff!  
AG: Not a small cliff either. A pretty fucking 8ig cliff.  
AG: Then I intentionally pushed HIS best friend's sister into the line of fire for a psychopathic serial rapist!  
AG: And I had the audacity to blame said friend for my half assed attempt to fix the pro8lem after it'd already spiraled out of control!  
AG: You're like! A saint! An adorable saint who's got a crush on Roxy Lalonde so obvious even T8vros could notice it!  
UU: tavros being the gUy yoU pUshed off a cliff...?  
AG: Yes! I know! I should pro8a8ly 8e nicer to the guy who I personally crippled!  
AG: Exactly why you are leagues of 8etter person than me!!!!!!!!  
AG: You are an adora8ly o8tuse idiot and have nothing to feel sorry for, got it????????  
UU: thanks?  
UU: i think?  
AG: I hope you never see those 8astards again 8ut if you do, you 8etter deck them 8oth in the face hard enough to demolish ALL of their teeth for me. Got it?  
UU: okay...  
UU: see yoU later?  
AG:huieoawthaoethuoitoiyteoayYOAETHeete9i0a90ieI)DEIDOJMOEIRPEUR

\-- uranianUnbound [UU] ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] \--

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began pestering uranianUnbound [UU] \--

GC: 1'M SORRY VR1SK4 1S USU4LLY MUCH MOR3 4RT1CUL4T3 TH4N TH4T SH3 JUST C4N'T H4NDL3 1T WH3N P3OPL3 TH4T 4R3N'T H3R 1NSULT TH3M  
UU: thanks, i think.  
GC: TH4T'S PROB4BLY TH3 B3ST W4Y TO R34CT 1F YOU W4NT TO K33P YOUR S4N1TY WH3N D34L1NG W1TH US GC: R34LLY TH3 ONLY W4Y

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased pestering uranianUnbound [UU] \--

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

TG: yo terezi  
GC: H3Y D4V3 >:]  
TG: whats up  
GC: NOT MUCH  
GC: C4LL1OP3 W4S JUST 4SK1NG VR1SK4 FOR SOM3 4DV1C3  
TG: she ok?  
GC: Y34H BOTH OF TH3M 4R3 F1N3  
TG: did you tell calliope about aranea?  
TG: i know you dont wanna tell vriska but theres no reason to keep it from her  
GC: NO  
GC: 4ND TH3R3 1S 4 R34SON 1 WON'T T3LL C4LL1OP3  
GC: SH3'S W4Y TOO N1C3 4ND HON3ST  
GC: 3V3N 1F SH3 D1DN'T H4T3 M3 FOR 1T SH3'D D3F1N1T3LY T3LL VR1SK4  
TG: i get it  
TG: i dont like it but i get it  
GC: TH4NKS  
GC: FOR L1ST3N1NG TO M3, 1 M34N.  
TG: dont worry  
TG: what else are friends for?  
GC: H3H  
GC: YOU'R3 R1GHT  
GC: W3'R3 FR13NDS  
GC: SH3'S GON3, VR1SK4'S G3TT1NG B3TT3R, 1 H4V3 FR13NDS, 4ND W3'R3 NOT PUSH1NG 4NYON3 3LSE OFF CL1FFS  
GC: M3T4PHOR1C4L OR L1T3R4L  
TG: are you ever going to tell her or let her keep thinking that shes out there forever?  
TG: i mean my bro is and i still jump everytime i see anyone who looks remotely like him  
GC: WOULD TH4T 4CTU4LLY CH4NG3 1F YOU KN3W H3 W4SN'T HUNT1NG YOU FOR C3RT41N?  
TG: youre right  
TG: again  
GC: 1 KNOW WH4T 4 P41N R1GHT?  
GC: B31NG R1GHT 4LL TH3 T1M3 1S 4 CURS3 NOT M4NY 4R3 UNFORTUN4T3 3NOUGH TO B3 CURS3D W1TH  
GC: 1T 1S TRULY 4 STRUGGL3.  
TG: well it doesnt really matter  
TG: ive made my opinion clear  
TG: youve ignored it  
GC: 1 1GNOR3D NOTH1NG  
GC: 1 L1ST3N3D C4R3FULLY 4ND D3C1D3D 1 D1S4GR33D W1TH YOUR V13W  
TG: i guess  
TG: but still  
TG if you really dont think shell be upset with you for holding such an important piece of information back then  
TG: who are you and what did you do with terezi pyrope  
GC: 1 KNOW SH3'LL B3 UPS3T W1TH M3  
GC: TH4T'S PROB4BLY WHY 1 H4V3N'T TOLD H3R  
GC: 1T W4S 1MM3D14TL3Y OR N3V3R 4ND 1 W4S SORT OF D1STR4CT3D 1N TH3 1MM3D14TL3Y  
TG: how about you not go into detail about that again  
TG: you and rose have that in common  
TG: too much detail  
GC: W3LL 1T'S NOT L1K3 YOU WOULDN'T B3 PR3TTY 3XC1T3D 1F TH3 LOV3 OF YOUR L1F3 CR4WL3D THROUGH YOUR W1NDOW S4NS H3R SH1RT 4FT3R 4 Y34R OF S3P3R4T1ON.  
TG: thats a valid point  
TG: but have you considered  
TG: not telling me that?  
GC: 1 CONS1D3R3D TH4T BUT D3C1D3D NOT TO  
TG: great  
TG: i really appreciate your consideration for your friends feelings  
GC: F11111111N3  
GC: 1'LL STOP  
TG: thanks  
TG: youre a great pal  
GC: YOU 4R3 SO CUT3  
TG: and were back to being weird  
GC: YOU ONLY S41D YOU D1DN'T W4NT M3 TO T4LK 4BOUT MY S3X L1F3  
GC: NOT 4NYTH1NG 4BOUT B31NG W31RD  
TG: thats a valid point  
TG: you know i figured after you two reconciled we might be able to have a conversation that wasnt all about her but you still cant seem to manage that herculean task huh  
GC: Y34H >:]  
GC: 1 SUPPOS3 1T'S TRU3  
GC: I DO H4V3 4 R4TH3R ON3 TR4CK M1ND.  
TG: man thats an understatement  
TG: that track is like a strand of hair  
GC: 4ND 1T SM3LLS D3L1C1OUS  
GC: 1S TH4T 4 N3W VR1SK4 FL4VOR3D SH4MPOO 1 4M T4ST1NG?  
TG: please dont tell me you actually eat hair  
GC: DO YOU R34LLY TH1NK 1 4M TH4T SORT OF P3RSON, D4V3?  
TG: the fuck if i know  
TG: do you?  
GC: NO  
GC: TH4T'S GROSS >:[  
TG: what qualifies as gross and not gross for you is a riddle wrapped in a mystery, inside the head of a hyperactive two year old whose had way too much sugar  
GC: TH4T 1S OFF3NS1V3  
TG: to who  
GC: HYP3R4CT1V3 TWO Y34R OLDS OF COURS3  
TG: sweet  
GC: Y3S TH4T'S SORT OF TH3 PO1NT 4FT3R 4LL  
TG: wasnt i trying to have a serious conversation with you at some point  
GC: 1 TH1NK SO  
GC: BUT C4N'T W3 H4V3 4 S3RIOUS T4LK S1LL1LY  
TG: well no because thats not a real world and you just made it up  
TG: sillilily  
GC: S1L1L1L1LY!!  
TG: sililililililililililily  
GC: OK4Y TH4T'S 3NOUGH  
TG: oh hell no  
TG: we are in the sillilillillillillillilliest shit now  
TG: you cant back out  
GC: OF WH4T  
TG: hell if i know  
GC: YOU 4R3  
GC: SO  
GC: S1LL1LL1LL1LL1LL1LL1LL1LL1LL1LL1LL1LLY  
TG: yeah  
TG: thats the shit  
GC: TH3 GOOD SH1T??  
TG: the best shit  
GC: D4MN  
GC: TH4T'S QU4L1TY  
TG: i know right  
GC: SOOO COOL!! >:] >:]  
GC: 1'LL S33 YOU 4T D1NN3R TON1GHT, R1GHT??  
TG: yeah  
TG: you going?  
GC: Y34H VR1SK4 4ND 1 H4V3 PL4NS  
TG: uh oh  
GC: TH3Y'R3 NOT TH4T SC4RY  
TG: anything that involves you two is automatically crazy  
GC: DON'T WORRY >:]  
GC: W3 PROB4BLY WON'T K1LL 4NYON3  
TG: probably?  
GC: 4LMOST D3F1N1T3LY  
GC: W3 M1GHT 3V3N M4K3 4N 3FFORT TO 4VO1D M41M1NGS TOO  
TG: oh wow you really are trying to take things easy arent you  
GC: W3 4R3 4CT1NG SOOOO S4N3 R1GHT NOW 1T 1S PR4CT1C4LLY 1NS4N3.  
TG: theres something off with that statement but im too well acquainted with your personal variety of insanity to catch it  
GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3  
GC: 1'LL H4V3 YOU KNOW 1 4M B4S1C4LLY TH3 CUT3ST 4ND MOST S4N3 G1RL ON TH1S PL4N3T  
TG: what planet  
TG: jupiter?  
GC: 4LMOST C3RT41NLY UR4NUS  
GC: >:P

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--


	11. honestly what did you expect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: nsfw furry stuff in the dirk & hal section. involving equius. please skip for your own sanity.
> 
> this story was supposed to be two weeks but now it's one because i have other projects to work on. 
> 
> also i have a girlfriend now

ectoBiologist  [EB] began pestering arachnidsGrip  [AG]

EB: hey!  
AG: Yes?  
EB: i was wondering where youve been!  
EB: no offense but usually its sorta hard to avoid hearing about what youre up to  
AG: Oh, Terezi and I are gayming.  
EB: huh?  
AG: Gay gaming.  
AG: John, please try to keep up.  
EB: oh right  
EB: what game?  
AG: You won't 8e interested  
EB: screw you!  
EB: i'd love it!  
AG: Whatever.  
AG: We're playing danganronpa.  
EB: never heard of it  
AG: That's 8ecause your taste is shit.  
EB: my taste is not shit!  
EB: besides you yourself said you liked nicholas cage!  
EB: vriska?  
AG: I was just distracted 8ecause I was 8usy 8urying my face in my hands.  
AG: I was thirteen years old, it doesn't count.  
EB: nerd  
AG: YOU'RE the nerd.  
AG: Anyway.  
AG: Talk later?  
EB: yeah sure  
EB: just checking in!

ectoBiologist  [EB] ceased pestering arachnidsGrip  [AG]

tentacleTherapist  [TT] began pestering gallowsCalibrator  [GC]

TT: I heard through the grapevine that you're playing a certain game.  
GC: OH MY GOD  
GC: WH4T 1S 1T  
TT: Nothing.  
TT: I was simply wondering whether or not you were enjoying the experience.  
GC: 1T'S 4LR1GHT ROS3  
GC: YOU C4N 4DM1T TH4T YOU'R3 WORR13D 1 WON'T L1K3 1T B3C4US3 1T 1S YOUR F4VORIT3 G4M3 3V3R  
GC: BLUH BLUH HUG3 N3RD  
TT: I do hold an affinity for the game but that wasn't the subject of my enquiry.  
GC: WHY DO YOU 4LW4YS T4LK L1K3 YOU JUST VOR3D 4 D1CT1ON4RY  
TT: What?  
TT: Terezi, retract that statement immediately and I will allow you to continue your existence unimpeded.  
GC: 1 SH4LL NOT.  
GC: 1 M34NT 1T WHOL3 H34RT34TLY.  
GC: B1TCH.  
TT: Tell me your location.  
TT: I only want to participate in civil discourse.  
GC: OUR DU3L SH4LL COM3NC3 4T TW3LV3 O CLOCK TONIGHT, PR3CIS3LY.  
GC: 4 B4TTL3 FOR HONOUR.  
TT: I'm torn between asking how I got myself into this situation and attempting to break down your door to strangle you.  
GC: B3 TH3R3 OR B3 4 POPS1CL3.  
TT: You know what?  
TT: Fuck it.  
TT: Shall I bring my knitting needles or will this involve unarmed combat?  
GC: UN4RM3D.  
GC: VR1SK4 W1LL S3RV3 4S TH3 R3F3R33  
TT: That's unfair.  
TT: You know she'll either call foul on you instantly or allow the fight to continue until one of us is dead.  
GC: BR1NG YOUR OWN R3F3R33 4S W3LL, TH3N.  
GC: YOUR OWN G1RLFR13ND.  
TT: Kanaya is not my girlfriend.  
GC: D1D 1 S4Y 4NYTH1NG 4BOUT M4RY4M?  
TT: Are you claiming I have another girlfriend?  
GC: 4NOTH3R?  
GC: D1DN'T YOU S4Y SH3 W4SN'T YOUR G1RLFR13ND L1K3 F1V3 S3CONDS 4GO?  
TT: You...  
TT: You can back out of the challenge now.  
TT: It's not too late to retract your statements.  
TT: As it is, I'm not sure Vriska will be able to prevent me from pulverizing you in hand to hand combat. GC: 1 UND3RST4ND YOU'R3 SC4R3D BUT R34LLY TH3R3'S NO CH4NC3 1'D 3V3R DO TH4T.  


tentacleTherapist  [TT] ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator  [GC]

tentacleTherapist  [TT] began pestering grimAuxilitrax  [GA]

TT: Kanaya, this may sound absurd but tonight, Terezi and I are having a duel because she said I'd vored a dictionary.  
GA: What Is Vore  
TT: Oh.  
TT: Uh.  
TT: It's...  
GA: I Was Joking  
GA: I Am Well Aware Of The Concept  
TT: That only raises more questions, Kan.   
GA: I Am Well Aware Of That Concept As Well  
TT: Are you teasing me?  
GA: Perhaps  
GA: I Will Be There Do Not Worry  
GA: Remember To Be Careful Our Friends Are Very Manipulative And I Would Not Be Surprised If They Had Ulterior Motives  
TT: I can't tell if that's supposed to be a joke or not.  
TT: Is it?  
GA: Im Not Certain Either  
TT: Huh.  
TT: Where are you anyway?  
GA: Taking A Walk  
GA: Would You Like To Have Breakfast Together  
TT: Very much so.  
TT: Should we eat here or out?  
GA: Whichever You Would Prefer  
GA: Um  
GA: Yeah  
GA: That  
TT: Huh?  
TT: I don't really mind.  
TT: You should chose.  
GA: I Would Rather Allow You To Chose  
TT: I don't really have a preference.  
GA: Oh  
GA: I Simply Dont Wish To Impose On You  
TT: You're not capable of imposing on me.  
GA: Really  
GA: Are You Certain  
TT: I wouldn't have said it if I wasn't.  
GA: Then Perhaps We Should Simply Flip A Coin  
TT: Where are you taking this walk of yours?  
GA: I Am A Few Blocks Away  
GA: Actually I Just Passed An Interesting Looking Diner Would You Be Interesting In Exploring It With Me  
/> TT: Are you asking me on a date?  
GA: Uh  
GA: Maybe  
GA: Do You Want Me To Ask You On A Date  
TT: I wasn't certain previously, but now I believe the answer is strongly leaning towards the positive.  
GA: Then I Suppose It Could Be  
GA: Actually  
GA: I Want To Make That Definitive  
GA: Yes I Am Asking You Out Rose Lalonde  
GA: I Am Proposing We Participate In A Romantic Outing For The Explicit Purpose Of Strengthening Our Relationship  
TT: I accept.  
TT: Shall I dress up for the occasion?  
GA: Not If You Do Not So Desire  
GA: It Is After All Only Breakfast  
TT: Is breakfast not the most vital meal of the day?  
GA: I Believe You Are Being Silly Now  
TT: A little.  
TT: I'll see you soon.  
TT: Send me the address?  


tentacleTherapist  [TT] ceased pestering grimAuxilitrax  [GA]

grimAuxilitrax  [GA] began pestering carcinoGeneticist  [CG]

GA: I Just Asked Rose Out And She Said Yes  
CG: DO YOU WANT TO KNOW THE EXACT AMOUNT OF FUCKS I DON'T GIVE ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW?  
CG: HINT: IT'S NONE  
CG: THE FUCKING ABYSS OF FUCKS I DON'T GIVE IS STARING BACK AT ME  
CG: AND NOBODY IS BLINKING FIRST BECAUSE THAT'S FUCKING STUPID.  
CG: I'M BUSY.  
GA: Alright  
GA: What Are You Doing With Dave  
CG: HOW DID YOU KNOW WHO I'M WITH?  
GA: I Did Not Until You Said So  
CG: FUCK  
CG: AEJAIOTUEUTOAOEUTHUAUOFHJJDAODJOISAHFU 

grimAuxilitrax  [GA] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist  [CG]

tiameusTestified  [TT] began pestering turingTested  [TT]

TT: What's the big idea?  
TT: The idea of what?  
TT: You know exactly what I'm referring to, Hal.  
TT: Don't be coy with me.  
TT: It seems you're unwilling to refer to my illicit relationship with Mr. Zahhak by name.  
TT: It seems like you should shut up.  
TT: How did you even get the keys?  
TT: Or, perhaps a better question is, why?  
TT: You left a key in Jake's room.  
TT: I asked him.  
TT: Of course he gave it to you without asking any questions.  
TT: Oh, he asked.  
TT: I answered honestly.  
TT: How honestly?  
TT: Well, I didn't give him the explicit details.  
TT: Really, Dirk, what sort of person do you think I am?  
TT: A sociopathic teenager with a complex about his high IQ and inability to communicate to his friends like a fucking normal human being, Hal.  
TT: Someone who purposefully times his sexual liaisons with the resident horse fucker --who coincidentally happens to be our sister's best friend-- right when his brother comes into his own room to prove a point.  
TT: It seems your first statement could just as easily apply to you as well as me.    
TT: Shut up.  
TT: This isn't about me.  
TT: Yes, it is, because you always make everything about you.  
TT: You're the one trying to make it about me!  
TT: I thought this was about Equius.  
TT: This has nothing to do with him.  
TT: And everything to do with you.  
TT: With us.  
TT: We're basically the same personality wise anyway, why does it matter?  
TT: We're not the same.  
TT: We're _not._  
TT: Who are you trying to convince?  
TT: You!  
TT: It seems like there's a higher probability you're really referring to yourself.  
TT: It seems like you should shut up.  
TT: Isn't this supposed to be a conversation?  
TT: Conversations require two sides.  
TT: This isn't supposed to be anything.  
TT: This is me telling you what you did was unacceptable.  
TT: Oh, really?  
TT: Are you talking about me going into your room to do it or having a relationship at all?  
TT: Because last I checked, you weren't the boss of me.  
TT: Why him?  
TT: Why did you have to pick Nepeta's best friend?  
TT: Oh, are we making this about her now?  
TT: We're not making this about anything it's not.  
TT: You're deflecting the question.  
TT: I didn't 'pick' him, because I had some sort of grudge against you and I was intentionally using Nepeta's friend to do it.  
TT: Not everything is about you all the time.  
TT: Why are you always so self centered?  
TT: The world doesn't revolve around you, Dirk!  
TT: _My_ world doesn't revolve around you.  
TT: You went into my room to have sex with him, are you telling me this wasn't intended to irritate me on any level?  
TT: Because that's obvious bullshit.  
TT: Maybe your room is just bigger.  
TT: Except it's not.  
TT: I've seen your room and it's the same exact size.  
TT: You've seen my room?  
TT: And you've seen mine in intimidate detail so I guess we're fucking even, right?  
TT: What's the joke here?  
TT: Was it ironic?  
TT: You know what, I fucking hate irony.  
TT: And that's the joke, isn't it?  
TT: At this point, I'm not even sure how many of my feelings are real any more or if I ever had them in the first place!  
TT: It's all a fucking joke!  
TT: I don't know how I feel about anything because I'm wrapped them in so many layers of being that ironic hipster douchebag with the pointy anime shades.  
TT: Everything about me is fucking fake.  
TT: And now I'm talking about myself again!  
TT: God forbid anyone else ever have issues because Dirk fucking Strider has feelings right now and don't you dare interrupt his moping.  
TT: I'm sick of it!  
TT: I'm sick of myself.  
TT: I'm drowning in me, and you aren't making it any easier.  
TT: Like I have it any easier?  
TT: I'm always going to be the younger Strider twin.  
TT: I'm never going to be myself because your fucking disgusting personality is everywhere.  
TT: It's inescapable.  
TT: There's no difference between us.  
TT: I hate you so much, but because we're basically the same person by now, it's the same thing as hating myself!  
TT: Can't I have this one thing without you making it all about us?  
TT: No, because you're the one who made it about us in the fucking first place, you asshole!  
TT: In case I need to remind you, you're the asshole who made a very deliberate choice to get into my room and fuck your boyfriend there!  
TT: Who the fuck said anything about boyfriend?  
TT: I'm sorry-- one night stand.  
TT: Obviously you can't keep a relationship for long enough to grow to care about someone.  
TT: I doubt you even know what caring about someone is!  
TT: You clearly don't care about me.  
TT: Your brother.  
TT: Oh, you didn't just go there.  
TT: Of course I care about you.  
TT: If I didn't, then maybe I wouldn't hate myself so damn much.  
TT: That makes no fucking sense, you asshole.  
TT: I know!  
TT: Why do you think I hate it?  
TT: Why do you think I hate you?  
TT: This is all such a big joke.  
TT: That we're even capable of feeling things, now isn't that one big fucking joke.  
TT: You're the one who said it.  
TT: This is stupid.  
TT: Of course it is. It's us, isn't it?   
TT: Yeah.  
TT: God.   
TT: I should see a therapist.  
TT: Really?   
TT: I couldn't fucking tell.   
TT: ...don't.   
TT: Just. Don't.   


tiameusTestified  [TT] began pestering turingTested  [TT]


End file.
